As netease cloud music to the transition of the “net cloud”, so many sentences with depression, such as “when I was young, I want to be anyone but myself”, “that’s very kind of you so lonely, said a” began to fill in the “cloud village”, including “born, I’m sorry” this sentence is filled with us in the form of various social circles. This sentence, like Li’s “The world is not worth it”, became popular all over the Internet. Netizens even mocked it in countless ways, but few people knew the background of this sentence.
“Born to be human, I’m sorry,” is a novella, semi-autobiographical, from “The Disqualifier of The World,” a famous representative of Japan’s postwar roguish literature, by Taisaji. This book is the author’s last words, this book was published in the same year, the author committed suicide for the fifth time, with the way of throwing water for his own life to draw a conclusion.
The book is composed of the author’s preface, epilogue and three notebooks written by the protagonist Ye Zang. The author cleverly conceals his life and thoughts in the protagonist Ye Zang’s life experience, but at the same time, as an outsider, he looks into his inner world by means of Ye Zang’s monologue, which is really ingenious.
“Disqualified” means “to lose the qualification of being a person”, who lost the qualification of being a person? Why did he lose his humanity? Why does the phrase “I’m sorry I was born human” come up? Let us take these questions with us, through the motley tunnel of books, to explore the journey of life full of insecurity and despair.
The mask
“You can’t say you don’t like the things you don’t like. You are always afraid of the things you do like, just like stealing things.”
“I have turned myself into a master of humor, which means that, before I knew it, I became a child who could not tell the truth.”
To modern eyes, we could not believe that these words had come from a child. Even though he was born into a wealthy family with plenty of food and clothing, ye Zang, the protagonist, seems to be born with a fear of social alienation from the people around him, and finds this out for himself.
A true fool never finds himself a fool. With a repressive family and many siblings, the youngest child had little parental attention, so he spent his life trying to find ways to be liked. In order to get others’ attention and chase after, Lobular hide disguises himself as a joke, with a variety of behavior to win others’ joy.
To please his father, he asked for the mask of the Lion dance, which he did not like; To please his family, he danced Indian to bad tunes; To please his classmates, he drew cartoons and wrote funny compositions. Under his own deliberate ingratiation, he knows more and more how to make everyone laugh, using his advantage as a child, pretending to be innocent and ignorant, and using funny to deceive people around him. However, the long-term disguise has made him lose himself and formed a kind of “flattering personality”.
The so-called “ingratiating personality” refers to the personality that blindly ingratiates itself with others while ignoring its own feelings. It even puts on the mask of “clown” in order to please others, so as to deliberately behave like a clown, sell ugly and play funny to homogenize with others. The most important thing is that this personality is very common in our life. A few years ago, Jiang Fangzhou mentioned her ingratiating personality in the Wonderful Flower Assembly, which made me realize for the first time the horror of this personality.
“Before I do something, I think about other people’s reactions and whether I’m doing it to meet their expectations, whether I’m meeting their expectations. What’s more frightening is that I often find that I have no principles or bottom lines in my relationships with others. Therefore, I am already very unhappy, but I don’t show it.”
In my opinion, the horror of the inoffensive personality is not that there is no principle, but that when a person has already figured out his cards and is still pressing step by step, he can only keep retreating, seeing his territory invaded and occupied, and the order of his inner world destroyed. It’s not clear to me how far back I will go, and this vicious circle will eventually lead to the demise of the flattering personality.
Be worth happy is, jiang Fangzhou of more than 20 years old broke oneself ingratiating type personality. But unfortunately, when the young lobular Tibet did not find himself constantly disguised and the formation of the pleasing personality, but intensified, with more advanced funny way to win the love of others. This “mask” in his eyes is indestructible “armor”, little do you know, this “armor” in protecting him at the same time, but also constantly pulling him towards the abyss.
cracks
As she grew older, Ye Zang finally left her repressive family and entered middle school. The new middle school is close to the sea, has an excellent environment and is full of infinite hope for the future.
“Against a clear blue sea, the wild cherry tree blossoms in brilliant brown foliage. Soon, when the cherry blossoms fall as snow, the petals float down to the sea and drift with the waves, being washed back to the beach again.”
At the same time, yip’s “acting” has been greatly improved by being away from close friends and years of training, and his disguise is even more handy. At this time, Ye Zang gradually becomes an integral part of his “mask” and relies more on his “armor”. In his own eyes, he seems to be able to live in peace with the world that is incompatible with him, until he meets Takichi.
Zhu Yi is only a few times appeared in the book, but has an indelible role, because he is the first to discover the leaves of Tibet ingratiating personality. He found that all the leaves are deliberately funny, this is like abruptly will be the leaves of Tibet “mask” a crack, let the successful camouflage more than ten years of the leaves of Tibet sit hard. As Ye Zang said in his diary:
“It was like watching the world be engulfed in a flash of hellfire, fighting the urge to ahhh and feeling like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”
Leaf Tibet racking their brains to make up the rift, he intends to make good with Bamboo, constantly to please him, to help him clean up the pus of the ear, finally get bamboo a recognition. with a bamboo become good friends, the leaf will be more of his pleasing personality to the extreme, to a bamboo more and more good, let a bamboo this secret has been hidden in the bottom of my heart.
In fact, ingratiating personality is also a manifestation of continuous integration into the society. However, it is different from ordinary people, because in essence, ingratiating personality is just a disguise, a “personality mask” separated from the ego. The purpose of its existence is not to eliminate the self and seek assimilation, but to hide the self that is “different” from others. People with pleasing personalities seem to be in touch with the outside world, even if they are not careful and seem very peaceful, but in fact, like people with autism, they cut themselves off from the world to maintain the integrity of their inner world. This internal and external disunity doomed the failure of the ingratiating personality is inevitable.
Ye Zang makes up the cracks in the mask in a panic. Meanwhile, he becomes more and more dependent on the mask, which is full of curses and gradually melts into the flesh and blood of his face.
broken
Time still will not have any stay, wearing a “mask” leaf hidden unconsciously has entered the high school, and at this time he met the first real meaning of the friend – Hori Wood. The best thing about being with Horie is that Yizawa’s ingratiating mask can be temporarily reined in. Horie can listen to his passion and talk about boring things from morning till night without worrying about an awkward silence between the two of them.
Leaf Tibet one side and Hori wood together let loose the skeleton, at the same time taking his fragile “mask” to walk in the world. As mentioned above, this “mask” is fragile after all. After ye Zang makes an appointment with the waitress in the coffee shop and falls into the river, his “mask” falls into pieces. However, his “mask” has long been integrated with flesh and blood, and the fragmentation of the “mask” also makes his face flesh and blood blurred, which is also at the beginning of the “mask” broken this moment, as if the youth Ye Zang saw the truth of the world at once.
“If the world were likened to the sea, it would seem to me that in the depths of the sea I see grotesque images bordering on contempt but not contempt; that is the smile which gives me a glimpse of the deepest and most secret of adult life.”
The woman died, but ye Zang was saved, but only his body was saved, his soul has been broken.
Dependence on personality masks is like intoxication, no less harmful than alcoholism and drug addiction. The split between who I am and who I am is an increasingly unbridgeable scar. The more helpless he feels, the more he will cling to the mask. The suffocating effect of the mask has left Ye Zang on the verge of death. Without a mask, Yizang muddies his way through the day, drinking and drinking, until he meets liangzi, the light that shines into his dark life.
Liangzi is the epitome of an ideal personality, a person who “trusts others completely” and is “pure as a god”. The presence of a divine angel is undoubtedly the only place in the world where ye Zang can be reassured that he cannot trust others. However, the malice and harm of the society broke his illusion. Liangzi was raped by unscrupulous businessmen because of his credulity, which also marked the collapse of Yezang’s hope and redemption, which made him completely desperate and perishing. In the end, he became a “psychopath,” a “junkie,” a “human disqualification.”
Perhaps ye Zang’s life is doomed to darkness from the moment he puts on the “mask”. A clown, who knows only how to please the world, desperately clutches at something out of fear, even if it is no good to him; Because of fear, I never opened my heart to the outside world. The fragile “mask” not only blocked the hurt, but also blocked the warmth and love of the world.
Because one has never lived authentically, and after a long time the real self is gradually replaced by a mask of disguise, and becomes weaker and more powerless, one is always empty, irrational, and falling down.
Born to be human, don’t apologize
In his last diary, Ye Left the words “Born to be human, I am sorry”. It is widely believed that this sentence expresses The dissatisfaction of Ye Zang or Taiji himself with the society at that time, but In my opinion, it is a kind of repentance and introspection of the author and a kind of self-redemption.
Mr. Shi Tiesheng once said, “A writer may not be able to create the real others, but only the real himself.” This is true of Taiji, whose self-portrayal is so obvious in the Book that readers who know a little about his life can see that the main character is in fact the author’s own incarnation.
Taiji has a higher pursuit for life, he thinks people should integrate into the society, but also to live into their own. All his life to pursue this goal, but his wounds all over the black and blue, in order to get the salvation of the soul, he chose at the age of 39 for the failure of life to draw a satisfactory full stop.
But I don’t think we need to.
It is not easy for people to live in the world, so why berate yourself? We may have blurred our identities in order to fit in with society, or we may be isolated and desperate in order to be out of touch with the world, but it is just as well that each and every one of us is born as a human being. To be born in this world requires much suffering, but as long as we are positive, you are worthy of love and respect no matter what.
Born to be human, don’t apologize. Smile to warm, if untroubled.
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