preface
There are nearly 70 million sexual minorities in China. They study, work and live like everyone else, but very few identify themselves publicly. Because the behavior of revealing one’s sexual orientation or gender identity will inevitably face pressure, suspicion and even bullying from society, family and others. The lives of the two protagonists in this article are also the current situation of the majority of sexual minorities. But in the end they chose to come out. With their own actions, to explore a only belong to their own road of life.
1
Wu Rong kneels in front of his mother, eyes to eyes, but can only hear breathing.
The mother did not know that the yoke that Wu Rong wanted to break off was the word “daughter”. He had been chained for seventeen years before that.
A month ago, Wu Rong found his father, about his father, Wu Rong always refer to him as “that man”.
Every time she met the man before, Wu Rong would act like a father’s idea of a daughter, submissive and gentle. In the eyes of outsiders, this was a rare family gathering. Wu Rong also felt that his father could accompany him for a day, which was also a very rare foundation.
The evening amusement park visitors gradually less, Wu Rong summoned up the courage to make a final statement to his father: he will not accept the identity of the “daughter”.
Wu Rong gets father’s reply, have a word only: go away.
It wasn’t the first time Wu Rong had been disappointed, but he was sure it would be the last time. Wu Rong turned and walked away, leaving the man’s figure swallowed by the setting sun.
“I was trying in vain to maintain a relationship with him.” As the only new born woman in the family, young Wu Rong used to be the center of attention of her relatives, wearing a floral dress bought by her father and being praised in front of others. Wu Rong saw her father’s smile on his face nearby. In those days, the father always spared no effort to mold Wu Rong according to his image of the cute little daughter, although such memory is very short.
At that time, Wu Rong’s father is a state-owned enterprise employee, originally rich family, but because he participated in a pyramid selling organization, owed a huge amount of debt. Wu Rong and his mother did not know about this until the creditor came to visit them. At that time, the man had been away from home for days without any news.
Unable to find his father, the creditor forced Wu Rong’s mother to pay her debts. Mother and daughter two people really can not stand the constant harassment of debt collector, after a few hesitation set foot on the “escape road”, rushing about between the provinces, constantly changing the place of residence. In order to avoid being found by debt collectors, urban villages are the best choice.
At the worst, Wu Rong and his mother lived in a bungalow with a huge tear in the roof. On rainy nights, the plastic sheeting that blocked the tear was blown away by the strong wind, and the rain pouring through the tear quickly poured them through. Wu Rong held his mother and provided each other with only a shred of temperature.
“Maybe my mother felt that she didn’t give me a secure childhood, so she compensated me in some way with indulgence.”
Wu Rong said that the kneeling did not change his mother’s identity, she has her own ideas, Wu Rong also has his own plan. The reason for coming out to his mother was that they would soon be separated, and he had to seize every opportunity to make her understand his transgender identity, which was a yoke he had to fight against.
Wu rong’s first memory of this was when he first noticed his resistance to being a woman in elementary school, when his PE teacher told the class to stand in separate lines for boys and girls.
His intuition told him that he should not be on the girls’ team. Until then, he had climbed trees, fought and played ping-pong like those naughty boys, never thinking of his association with the word “female.”
After school, Wu Rong came home with a heavy heart. His parents were watching TV, which was about the news that a male Hong Kong star had fallen from a building.
“Dad, Mom, I want to tell you something.”
“Go ahead.”
“Me, I might be like the star.” Wu Rong glanced at the TV behind him.
“Ah? You are not depressed, are you? My father’s tone grew concerned.
“No… Is… I’m probably not like most people.”
The year was 2001. Wu Rong was only six years old when he stumbled through the words.
2
It was only thirty minutes from home to the middle school, but it was not an easy road for Ji.
As a child of a well-known local official, Ji Ming has been groomed as a successor by his father since childhood, and his every move is strictly required. Getting up late in the morning, falling down in the exam rankings, and even sitting incorrectly are all reasons for his father to scold him severely.
At home, Ji Ming has to be careful every day. He is afraid of having too much communication with his father and making mistakes. At school, Dimming also had to strain his nerves.
When he first arrived at the new class, Ji Ming quickly became familiar with his classmates, including a girl named Hong. At that time, there was a tall boy in the class who had a crush on Red. Ji Ming and red every move, are stimulating the tall boys fragile nerves. A few days later, the tall boy will gather three companions, at the break to jam Jiming in the corner of the classroom.
“She and I really can’t have anything!” Ji Ming keeps arguing.
The tall boy seemed not satisfied with this explanation and dropped his fist on Ji Ming.
“You can ask her if you don’t believe!”
Bang, another blow to Timming.
See not to ask what result, tall boy and his partner finally dispersed, red came quickly, asked whether Ji Ming hurt, also asked him to tell the truth. Ji Ming one face wry smile: “How do I say?”
The so-called truth is that Ji Ming does like a person, that person is not red, or even a woman, but another boy in the class.
In 2003, the Internet just emerged, many black cafes were born. although banned by his parents, but Ji Ming still went in, he has a problem to solve.
After shaking out two yuan and adjusting his sitting position, Ji Ming typed “boys like boys” into the search box as he had learned and pressed enter. His right hand, which had been holding the mouse, twitched violently. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.
Looking around, the claustrophobic space was lined with internet-connected people, staring intently at their computers, each playing CS and StarCraft, Shouting excitedly when excited. To make sure there was no one standing behind him, Ji Took a deep breath and ran away as fast as he could after browsing the web. Before leaving also do not forget to clear the history of the computer records, was recorded in Ji-ming’s mind in addition to the two men kissing photos, and the three words “gay”.
Ji-ming understood why he could not refuse any request from the boy in his class, and even agreed to accompany him to the toilet.
Ji Ming told himself to hide the secret.
“No… Is… I’m probably not like most people.” “No… Is… I’m probably not like most people.”
However, wu Rong is not so convenient when it comes to the toilet.
He is full of resistance to all female things. He will choose the androgynous dress in his clothes. He changes the skirt of girls’ school uniform into the style of boys’ trousers. As his hair grew longer, he went to the barber’s and said, “Give me a boy’s haircut. His chest swelled and he wrapped it in a cloth band, even hoping for a time that the thing would stop developing because of the lack of blood.
As for the toilet, unless there is an independent space, or he would rather choose to hold.
Over time, people around have come to accept the “tomboy” setting.
3
The Wu Rong of adolescence also once thought to seek help to the family, but father is missing, the mother works in a closed factory along the coast, not be active contact, the outsider cannot find at all. At that time, he stayed with his aunt.
“I told my aunt about it, and she said, ‘You’re in trouble at last.'” As Wu Rong remembered, his aunt’s tone was one of schadenfreude. Fourteen – year – old Wu Rong was forced to bear all this alone.
“I don’t blame anybody. I started it all, and it’s going to end with me.” He missed his mother far away and wished it would be over soon.
After three years, Wu rong finally made up his mind to say goodbye to his past life. He enrolled in a provincial university instead of transferring from one province to another.
What he also has to say goodbye to is the status of “daughter”, and when he finds the courage to kneel in front of his mother, this is the scene at the beginning of the article. Wu rong’s mother did not recognize his transgender identity, but she did not leave like his father did. Perhaps after so much, he and his mother knew that the only people who could be there for each other were still mother and son.
When He was in college, Wu Rong finally felt what was the real freedom. Although he was the T of LGBT, one of the few, it did not affect his identity at all. On the contrary, the expression of his identity became a natural thing.
“Gender is socially constructed, and once an individual’s gender expression doesn’t conform to socially constructed norms, such as being a sissy or a tomboy, it is subject to mainstream prejudice.” This is what Wu Rong heard sharing in the salon, he did not notice, sitting in the corner, and the soon-to graduate Ji Ming.
and red things just past, The “special” identity in the school was spread, sometimes is so, the more secret, the more crazy spread. Every day, Ji Ming had to keep on his nerves. He had to constantly avoid the joke, just like watching a magical animal. When the Chinese teacher told a joke about homosexuality in class, the whole class burst into laughter, and no one noticed that Ji Ming was shivering in the corner. But soon, Jiming is forgotten in a corner, before the boy who once depended on Jiming gradually away from him.
“Loneliness has made me understand a lot of things that I can’t see in a crowd.” Recall his middle school years, into the university of Ji Ming has gradually accustomed to the “marginal man” this positioning, he is not willing to collapse in the corner, but constantly looking out.
During the flag-raising ceremony on Monday morning, the school leaders were expected to speak, and some principal mentioned that it was a sign of homosexuality for boys to have their ears pierced. Jiming listened very clearly.
At the time, he posted a thousand-word tirpation on his school’s post bar, in which he blasted the headmaster’s comments along with the school’s bizarre rules, citing the Dutch example of same-sex marriage, which he first saw when he searched the Internet for homosexuals.
“I knew I needed to do something, even a little bit.” It was, He says, “the biggest fight I’ve ever had”.
Soon after, he was “invited” by a teacher at the Office of Political Education, and there was a lot of back-and-forth between the two sides, which culminated in the teacher’s conclusion: “Extreme thinking.
After returning home, Ji Ming remained silent, he did not talk about everything that happened in the school, parents in addition to grades, other things do not care much.
The time in the university passed quickly. Ji Ming immersed himself in DOTA with his roommates every day, and they got along very happily. It seemed that Ji Ming had forgotten his own identity.
Soon after his senior year, he and his classmates were assigned jobs by their families. So has not graduated, The employment agreement has been signed. Of course, it depends on the level of your parents.
Change usually comes when there is no preparation, as if there is a ray of dawn, shine into the corner of Ji Ming, he saw the LGBT salon poster, so, Ji Ming and Wu Rong met.
It was May 2013, and Wu Rong was 19. Ji Ming was 23.
4
“Please don’t do these things that poke our backs!” Bang, Ji Ming put on the table those beautiful materials were father slapped over, scattered on the ground.
Jiming did not answer. He crouched down, trying to pick up the pamphlets about sex and gender on the floor.
“It’s not good for you to do something, but…” Mother put down a word, also turned to leave.
In the sultry September, he couldn’t tell whether it was sweat or tears on his face. Ji Ming, recovering from a serious illness, sat on the floor. It was not the outcome he wanted, but it was expected.
In the salon a few months ago, when it came to coming out in front of his parents, some people mentioned the ending. Jiming remembered it very well, but what really prompted him to come out with his parents was another thing that happened to Jiming.
Before graduation, he was “authorized” to the new unit internship, his father hopes that his son can inherit his mantle, the place of work in a hundred kilometers away from home, there are many people in the unit are his father once the old subordinate.
Just came to the evening is a dinner, constantly someone with a wine cup came to The front of Jiming. “Do you have a girlfriend? Shall I introduce you to one?”
“Yes, yes.” Wait for the other party to say, Ji Ming hurriedly raised his head, the wine in his glass to drink, so as to end the awkward conversation as soon as possible.
After the work of trifles, such as the general lantern in The mind of Ji-Ming turned over. He says he grew up following his parents’ wishes and paving the way, and that he may soon become a minor cadre and have a political marriage with a family.
Submissiveness meant stability, but that stability came at a price, and he could only do so, watching his body and mind struggle with pain every day.
“Dad, mom, I like boys.” “Dad, mom, I like boys.”
In a fourth – and fifth-tier town, socializing and dining are an integral part of the system.
Every three or five seasons will be invited, in his eyes, every dinner is an embarrassing performance, but such a life and there is no way to refuse. To tell the truth, you cannot live in the system, whether you are gay or not.
Until an acute appendicitis, because no family member signed, the hospital did not agree to the operation. When he was wheeled into the hospital again, even the chief doctor had a pinch of sweat for him and nearly perforated him.
“There are too many muppets in the world, and I don’t want to be one of them anymore.” Ji Ming uses a firm tone to state his reasons for coming out.
“Dad, mom, I like boys.” discharge that day, Ji Ming put the materials prepared in advance on the table at home, without too much paving, his father flew into a rage, for his father, this means that more than ten years of paving may not see the return.
“If you don’t succeed once, you will try again,” he said. “It’s like the salon. Some people insist not for the result, but for the result.” He quoted it because he was the only one who could get out of that crumpled corner, and no one could help him at that step.
When Ji Ming talked about himself with his father for the second time, his father was not as angry as the first time. He replied in a very official tone: “You want me to understand you. As an individual, I also have the right not to understand you.”
It was a perfect answer, without a flaw, but it was enough for Jiming, which meant that his father had somehow accepted his situation, and he hoped he and his father could reach some kind of reconciliation.
“But there’s still a lot to do.” Jiming explained that he was facing a direction but no purpose of the road, and this road has not been explored.
He also needs a lot of time, energy, and money.
5
Money is a bigger problem for Wu Rong.
Before graduating from college, Wu Rong has been busy working. First-tier cities are tolerant enough to transgender people like Wu Rong. If you don’t emphasize it, no one will notice that Wu Rong still keeps the female body.
He rents an off-campus apartment alone for $550 a month, and he says it’s worth the cost to save a lot of unnecessary hassle.
But the small apartments are soon running out.
When his mother reached the age of retirement, the factory no longer accepted her to continue working. Wu Rong knew that his mother would live with him in the future. He gave up his apartment off campus and chose a new one with two bedrooms and a living room, which was another cost.
“At least we’re still family.” Wu3 Rong2 affirmation say.
More than a decade ago, they were each other’s only source of support, and they still are. During the day, Wu Rong went out to work. At night, his mother cooked meals and waited for him to return. As she gets older, Wu rong’s mother has lost her former strength and they have reached an understanding in life. She has no further concerns about Wu Rong’s transgender identity. But when it does come to talk, quarrels are inevitable.
“She thinks it’s okay for you to be gay, and she’s crazy to go and get stabbed.” The so-called knife, is the gender replacement surgery, unlike the male body, the female body to perform a gender replacement, the organs involved, the degree of complexity of the surgery and the risk are much higher. Then, of course, there is the biggest problem — money. Wu Rong knew that he would have to put down roots in the big city before he could undergo surgery.
On weekday mornings, Mr. Wu always gets up early. The subway is empty before the morning rush hour, and he leans back in his chair, giving him plenty of time to think about what to do next.
And in the small town far away, the end of the probation period for signing a formal contract, Ji Ming chose to give up signing. After the father learned that nothing said, I do not know is deliberately not to say or really surprised.
But Mr Ji knows he has done the right thing. At least the official does not have to worry about losing face if his son does not marry.
Behind the seemingly stable and decent life, there is endless oppression. There is no community organization like first-tier cities. Even if I have the honor to get acquainted with a person, I dare not easily reveal the real information to the other party.
See light and die — this is the current situation of most LGBT people in China.
Three days later, Ji Ming set foot on the train to the north, rumbling and galloping on the track, he thought of the boy he liked in the middle school, I heard that he was also arranged by his father into the business unit, I do not know how he should deal with the life. But it doesn’t matter to Him anymore. He feels like he’s just starting out.
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