In elementary school there was a little fat boy in the class, then we gave him a lot of nicknames, there are “fat”, “baozi”, and the more difficult to hear “fat pig”. Every time the gym class running test, the class a few boys will be on the side of the coaxing, loudly said “Come and see the fat pig running clucking”, said while laughing, hate to pick up popcorn in a side to eat while watching the joke.
Most of us as children are unconsciously cruel because of ignorance. We thought the world was black and white; we thought the world was drunk and I was awake; we would just a person fat to make fun of him with impunity, the more angry he was the funnier we felt; we were intoxicated and thought we were the messengers of justice, but did not realize how much damage this could do to a person. Now when I think back, I still can’t help but curse myself for being an idiot at the time.
Later on, I saw him add my friend online and chatted with him in a few words. He also lamented the days when he would sulk at his parents every time he came home, and even thought he shouldn’t have been born at all, making the atmosphere at home very bad all the time. He always hated himself and had low self-esteem, and only after college did he slowly get better. He said he later learned that his fat is genetic, there is no choice but to accept this fact, and then gradually less inferiority complex up, only to find that before the pressure has been on their own is the inner escape to themselves.
Now he has a stable job and a girlfriend who has been with him since sophomore year. He originally did not like to po their own photos, but now also built a photo album to record their own lives, the name of the album is: “accept yourself as you are.” When I saw this album, I was suddenly touched inexplicably, wanting to thank the gods of this world for not letting a good boy lose himself in our unbridled teasing and isolation.
Accept yourself as you are.
I somehow remember this phrase very well, and one night I suddenly remembered a little something from the past. When I was a kid, fireworks would be set off, I ate early and pestered my dad to set off fireworks. The neighbor’s fireworks were 60 rings, crackling and changing colors. The moment I suddenly did not want to set off fireworks, the whole person began to squirm up, inexplicably inferior and anxious. My father was happy to pull me together to light the fire, I did not move, my father looked at me with a blank face, I half said a “our family fireworks are not good…”
This is one of the few moments when I wanted to call myself an idiot at that time.
As a child, I had many ideas that now seem silly and dark, such as why my mother was not pretty enough, why my parents did not buy me better, why I was not tall and handsome enough, why I was nearsighted in the fourth grade, when wearing glasses was rare. At that time I was ridiculed by the entire class as a four-eyed field hen ridiculed for two years until later everyone started wearing glasses. My mother is the most beautiful woman in the world without one, my parents are impeccably good to me, but at that time I was just picky and hard to make some unnecessary comparisons.
Climbing is still prevalent in middle school and high school, and then blink to college. At first it was very uncomfortable, the first discomfort is that there is no one around, a person in the car to eat to school, in high school when the small group piled up, I always felt that a person’s life is unimaginable, just a little closer will feel like in the moon can not breathe. I didn’t think it would take long for me to live such a life I would be subconsciously envious when I looked at others piling up, feeling like others were looking at me when I ate alone. At that time, I was far from the state of mind when I wrote “loneliness is a must for you”, but I just thought it was shameful to be alone.
Solitude is never shameful, but only those who think it is shameful are shameful.
In addition to this, I began to suffer inevitable defeats, unlike in the past when I could always do better on exams if I worked hard, but how could life be all about exams? I also started writing a book after school, and the next story is known to everyone: in 2009, I wrote 150,000 words and was killed, and then the manuscript that was finished in 12 was turned into a book manuscript only in the middle of 13 for various reasons. At that time, I would also think that my friends at the same time had already published their third and fourth books, and I was the only one standing still, so was my decision wrong. For a long time, frustration followed me around.
You know that loneliness and frustration will suddenly come to you at a certain time and become a part of you from then on, perhaps this is a process that everyone must go through.
Then I remembered my nearsightedness, something I couldn’t avoid but had to get used to, just like I was used to my nearsightedness before. I have to accept myself as I am, accept your lonely look, frustrated look, lost look, and learn to live with this look of myself. To overcome this, you must first accept this, accept all your shortcomings.
It may be said that sometimes it is much more useful to admit that you are actually weak than to pretend that you are strong. First you have to realize that you are actually weak in order to know yourself and who you really are.
There are many people around me who can’t accept being alone, can’t accept being bored, can’t accept failure, and can’t admit to themselves, so they always have to decorate themselves with all kinds of substances and lies in front of people, thinking that they can be perfect. However, after a long time of contact, you will know that getting along with such people will have a sense of unreality, like you are in contact with a false thing, feeling the projection is false, flashy and unreal. And when no one can see them (in fact, this is most of the time, after all, a person’s time in front of people is limited), they are empty, lonely, sad and anxious. Because they can never find who they are, they are used to playing various roles, but in the end, they are just empty shells. So they will always suddenly feel lonely, feel anxious, feel confused, no matter how busy can not fill the inner.
I think everyone’s growth process will start from feeling unique as a child to denying their previous selves later. Life is probably a constant oscillation between inexplicable confidence and low self-esteem, until the balance is sought. The best state is later found to remain humble to the world and independent of oneself, and then fully realize what kind of person one really is. The so-called growth is to be able to accept yourself as you are, and to get along better with your lonely self, your lost self, your frustrated self, and to accept it. Then face it, anyone will have low times, but do not let it affect you forward.
And I am probably such an awkward person. I grew up not being able to say nice things about the candy I wanted to eat, and when I grew up I was glad to have an invention like the supermarket to feed myself without having to talk. For the future and the road to be taken, some people are smart enough to find the exit, and some people are quick to cut some of them off to make it easy. I can’t give up and I’m not so smart, so I have to use time for talent, use effort for luck, so clumsy to go on. Yes, in a way I’m weak, but that’s my strength.
You can still keep the pace when no one can see you. This may be very slow, but will go more solid than anyone else, without fear of stepping on a foot, and without fear of walking into someone else’s track.
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