Breakfast in the restaurant, the next table of a pair of men and women chatting in a loud voice, the voice into the ear, all by my ears to go.
The woman said: “Yesterday I sent my child to kindergarten on the first day, I said you go ahead and play with the children, a little while mom will come to pick you up, and then I ran away. “
The man said: “You have quite a trick. “
The woman was very proud: “That’s right, if I had said directly to kindergarten, he would not do it. “
The conversation continued.
“Did he cry when you picked him up at night? “
“Yes, he cried, saying that his mother was cheating and that he would never go to kindergarten again. “
“What about tomorrow? “
“Hey, still have to continue to cheat. “
This conversation reminds me of a memory from my son’s childhood. I went to kindergarten to send him, also once encountered a child in the arms of the teacher cried to death, said his mother promised him to go to buy delicious food immediately, how not yet come, woo woo woo.
Deception, for some parents is a shortcut, because it does not need so much trouble to explain, directly to achieve the purpose. And children, and that sincerely believe that parents rely on parents, and then broken lies, they will believe, “It’s dark hurry home, there are big demons outside to catch you “, “If you don’t listen to me again, I’ll give you to the beggar”, “Eat too much candy, your teeth will be full. “If you eat too much sugar, you’ll get worms inside your teeth” ……
See, how simple and quick, the child then honestly and obediently obeyed. It’s dark not to go out and run around, usually not naughty, sugar also dare not eat more, parents set a cage with a lie, the child will be locked in.
But what is the key to lock the cage, is fear. Children who believe that there will be demons when it gets dark will always be afraid of the darkness, and they believe that there are ominous creatures burrowing out of the darkness all the time to hurt themselves. Believe that their disobedience will be given to the beggar’s children, will also always be trembling to live, they must please their parents, to please their parents, not out of respect for their parents, but afraid that they fall into the hands of poor and destitute beggars.
This shortcut in the eyes of parents will slowly become a rope, binding the child should have been carefree heart, and finally, tie out the life of the tired scars, leaving indelible trauma.
When I was in elementary school, I didn’t learn particularly well, nor was I bad, hanging around in the top ten or so. But who let me have a particularly good learning sister, and I was in the same class, she always get a double hundred, even if the fever burned confused, are taking a double hundred without fail. She was also the class president, captain, and captain of the school, and was a popular figure on campus. Compared with her, my parents were much more disappointed in me. In the second semester of fifth grade, they told me that if I didn’t study well, I would be assigned to a poor class and go to elementary school for another year.
I was scared half to death. I spent every day in fear and trepidation. The teacher would look at me casually and I would think, “Oh no, this means I was chosen. At night when I went to bed I would encourage myself: “No, I won’t go, I’m a good student, I’m not a bad student, how can I go to a bad class. I didn’t settle down for a while, and then I started to worry: “What if the school specifically picks some good and bad students, and the bad class can’t be full of bad students, right? “So a thought, and can not sleep.
The child’s fear is a real fear. He has no way to explain what is happening in his world, but can only fight it in a way that he can understand, which is particularly clumsy and secret, and can not seek outside help.
I was scared for months and lived worse than death. I later learned that the school was going to separate some of my classmates out of sixth grade, on a voluntary basis, and that some of those who couldn’t keep up with their studies would be zoned out, without me having anything to do with it at all. My parents falsified the school’s intention. Years later, when I mentioned this, my parents only took it as a joke, they did not know that this experience was a particularly dark period in my life, I always remember the feeling of loneliness and helplessness and fear.
After I became a mother, I did not have much educational experience, but I rarely lied to my children, even when he was young, there are things that he needs to accept, I will talk to him properly. Once I was a little late for dinner outside, the child called and said you promised to come pick me up at grandma’s house, why didn’t you come, I said I would go right away. My friend at the table didn’t think so and said why are you spoiling your child like this, but I said it’s not spoiling, it’s a promise. It is a very important thing to make a child feel respected by his parents. If he is always cheated, he will go on to cheat others in the future, which is a bad cycle, and eventually all become people without dignity.
When he is in pain, I won’t lie to him and say that everything will be fine, I will say that there may be worse things that will happen in the future, which is unavoidable, but I will make sure that I will always be there for him, for everything, and he will never be alone. He may not fully understand this now, but one day, he will. The barriers that come with not understanding are far worse for a child than accepting the real truth.
My best friend agrees with this philosophy of education. Someone wondered why her daughter grew up doing everything with a particular sense of purpose, seriousness, independence, and exceptional self-care; I watched her daughter grow up, and I know best what was going on. Even when her daughter was very young, she would patiently reason with her daughter about why she could do some things and why she couldn’t do others, all to make it clear. And she would also give her daughter the right to choose, if she insisted on doing something, then she would have to complete some other tasks, such as only finishing the day’s homework before she could go online for half an hour.
The little girl likes me so much that her mother led her to visit me in the unit, and after making out with me for a while, she went to do her homework obediently, “because she promised her mother that she could only play with her aunt if she finished writing four diaries. “What is promised must be done, this has become her belief, she began to use this as a starting point to embark on a road to build a complete personality.
Parents lie to their children, all saying that it is for the good of the child, in fact, in the end, which benefited the people. The child is left in the shadows, and the parents fail to achieve their goal, especially when the child learns of the deception, he will be disappointed and angry, just like the child who discounts his mother’s trust when he finds out he was tricked into kindergarten. His mother can try her best to find another way to trick him into it, but in the end, like a soldier who has shot his last bullet on the battlefield, it will be difficult to sway them with this routine again.
The reason why many good children become rebellious in their adolescence and go against their parents is because they have known too many lies and deceptions, their parents’ authority collapses in their hearts and they feel that they will never trust them again.
There is a deception gene in Chinese culture. The ruling class in feudal society believed in a culture of foolishness, unwilling and afraid to open up the people’s wisdom, not letting them know more about the truth of the world, so that it would be easier to rule and easier to manage. Many parents themselves hate lies, but they cannot help but maintain new ones. They are deceived by their superiors, by society, by their friends, and then they go home to their children, and they are used to and acquiesce in deceiving their children as a means of education, willingly living in the intersection of lies and lies.
Other parents use a different kind of deception, saying to their children at every turn, “You’re letting me down so much,” and “I won’t like you if you do that again”, “You’re a disgrace to me “. They are reluctant to explain to their children why this is wrong, such as not yelling and screaming in public, because it is impolite to do such things and will disturb others. They emphasize only the parent’s feelings and use moral guilt to force the child’s actions. The result is that the child is not aware of the nature of his or her behavior, and even though he or she may change these problems, it is for the sake of the parents, without building up true discipline and discernment. Even this moral guilt can be very psychologically stressful, causing the child to feel very sorry for the parent while not being able to control himself.
Parents who cheat have a contempt for their children, thinking that they don’t know anything and that there is no harm in cheating. In fact, this is the most erroneous perception. When Huin Meng discovered that her one-year-old daughter could already cry in sympathy for the puppy in “One Hundred and One Spotted Dogs,” she realized, “Children are really not a blank sheet of paper, their amazing discernment has long since been adequate, and the intricacies of human emotions and They are able to intuitively capture the intricacies of human emotions and feelings. That ability is an animal instinct, not a world-weary insight, but the accuracy is still very high, much higher than the adults under the heavy obstacles. “
If we as parents don’t like to be lied to, then neither will our children.
One of the important missions of being a parent is to explain the world to the child, to explain what is happening in the world, so that the child can go through the challenges and deal with the frustrations. Some lies are told out of love, out of protection, like when parents get divorced and may hold off on telling a child too young the truth, but more lies are a result of parental laziness and ignorance and a penchant for being lazy in education.
Good parents, no lies. There are things in every child’s life that he or she is unwilling to accept and face, and deception only brings short-lived victories, not real growth. If you want your child to grow up to be a confident and dignified person who can take charge, you have to see him as that, and you can’t expect the tree of deception to bear the fruit of loyalty.
It’s not a shortcut, and it’s a hard road for both parents and children, but it leads us in the right direction.