Ma Boyong: Remembering a memorable medical examination

Yesterday I had an in-depth medical checkup.

Please rest assured that this article will not turn into an advertisement for a medical checkup agency halfway through, nor will it suddenly announce an appalling event at the end, nor will it call for people to help me defend my rights.

It is an ordinary physical examination, smooth and smooth, no twists and turns, the attitude and professionalism of the medical staff are particularly good, in the end …… is my own intention is difficult.

The reason I wanted to have the checkup was because I entered my dotage last November 14 – World Diabetes Day, which I don’t have any type of diabetes – gloriously.

According to the evolutionary theory that has become popular in recent years, human parts were originally designed for a 40-year Life cycle, and although technology has now increased per capita life expectancy to 80 years, the original parts inevitably tend to decline after 40. This is like the bread in the convenience store. It is not impossible to eat after the appreciation period, but the taste is after all a cut above the deadline, and only the grandparents will go to the Food bank.

I don’t care whether this doctrine is scientific or not, but it is very necessary to go for a thorough and comprehensive medical checkup when you are over forty.

Take my friend, for example. She went for a medical checkup last year and found out that she had very early stage thyroid cancer. This kind of cancer is called “the worst of the worst” and can be completely solved by a small surgery, but only if you take the initiative to go for a checkup, because its early symptoms are not easy to be detected. If my friend doesn’t go for medical checkup, this bomb will be hidden deep inside her body and she doesn’t know when it will explode.

By the way, I gave her a natal chart, and when I did, I found that she had a small consumption star in the house of sickness last year. Although it is a bad star, as long as it does not coincide with a new year, it will not be too serious. But at the same Time, there is also a year stage star in the house of sickness, alias Tossing Star. She didn’t believe it, thinking that such a simple operation could be a tumultuous one. The surgery was completed smoothly, but just in time for the outbreak of the Epidemic round, the hospital is strictly guarded, the Family bed with the cancellation, all kinds of nucleic acid testing, tormented her a lot ……

As an aside, in any case, a man named Ma Boyong decided to go …… er, to do an in-depth medical examination. For this reason I also deliberately selected a good hospital and bought a high-end medical checkup package. I won’t mention names because there is no advertising money.

This high-end medical checkup package has a dazzling array of tests that I can imagine should be all together. But what made me nervous was the fact that it said colonoscopy and gastroscopy. Although they were labeled as “painless”, they immediately triggered a series of images in me.

Imagine a person lying on a hospital bed like a dead pig, with one tube inserted through the mouth and another tube inserted through the …… pylorus, and the two tubes meet near the pylorus and “clang” each other. “touched each other, the two tubes body happily fluttering – I suddenly understand why it is called “deep I suddenly understood why it is called “deep” physical examination.

In fact I was right to be nervous. The nurse lady in charge of the appointment said nothing else, but spent most of the time rambling on about how to cleanse my bowels, and dumped over two 250ml bottles of mannitol and two 500ml bags of glucose injection, telling me to make sure I cleared them the night before the test.

“Drink all of them after mixing them, and then keep drinking water until you pull out clear water. ” The nurse lady stared at me seriously.

“Clear water? “

“Clear water. ” The nurse lady still wanted to gesture, but gave up, “Anyway, drink it all. “

I thought it would be easy, drinking water, who would not. But by the night before the test, I realized why she had made a point of emphasizing it.

Mannitol and glucose are both sweet and taste fine, but it was quite painful to drink a total of 1500ml of water quickly. Especially since I had started eating liquid food a few days before and had completely fasted after noon the day before the checkup and was in a constant state of hunger. At this point in time, drinking a lot of water down violently will not feel full and satisfied, but will only double the emptiness and nausea in the stomach. How to describe it accurately …… I tell a short story about it.

I’ve been to the Pregnancy Checkup before to Ma Xiaobing. One of the items to check the sperm, have to take their own. It was an old hospital, I took the sperm extraction bottle, into the sperm extraction room, which rested on a dirty to see the color of the sofa, opposite the sofa is a picture of a swimsuit blonde in the style of the eighties, or a one-piece swimsuit, the poster faded beyond recognition. Outside the door, the last male sperm retrieval and the next male ready to retrieve sperm are talking, the sound insulation is extremely poor. I was too afraid to sit on the couch and had no interest in the poster, let alone hear the conversation outside the door. But the time for sperm retrieval was limited and I had to …… (eighty words omitted here). At that time, that mood, and this drink of water almost, hard to hard, but no happiness to speak of, empty, only endless emptiness, as well as nausea.

Back to the point.

I soon realized that the problem was not only about drinking water.

Mannitol was very effective, I drank less than a quarter of it, I felt the sound in my abdomen, and rolled to the toilet to solve. When I came back to sit down, I continued to drink, but I couldn’t take big sips for fear of regurgitation, so I took small sips instead. I didn’t wait to click on the first word, my belly sounded again, went to the toilet to finish, and then ……

In that night, “mannitol” name test “simply do not have the energy to write, the above drink, the following diarrhea, at first or puff, goo dong dong, and soon the ears only hear I had to drop a book bag, this last “selling The word “selling”, pronounced shell, originally means leather cover, there is a word called selling liquid, means melting into liquid. So there is a derivative meaning, the word selling is also used to describe the sound of liquid spurting under pressure, which can be used in the onomatopoeia of fountain gushing water.

The first time, the second time, I feel or normal unloading; after the fifth sixth time, the body is also light, strength is also weak, the human consciousness is also indistinct; to the tenth eleventh time, the realm of steeply elevated, cutting the marrow and washing the hair a few rounds, I finally bereaved me, the soul finally wobbling away from the remnants of the molting, the Tuan Fu Yang sheep horn and up the one ninety thousand miles, and the unity of all things. I once wrote a poem, I did not expect that it should be on this disaster today.

Man is the pot of the belly for the furnace, full of gourmets meat pontoon.

Yin and Yang convergence of the stomach and intestines stirred, the fm and fm chaos.

The momentum comes to the mountain collapse is unbearable, the golden buttocks towering to send the evil.

The top of the fontanel should absorb the essence, the back of the chrysanthemum eyes away from the remains of the barren.

I was doing a round-trip run between the bedroom and the toilet, and my son came to add to the mess, running over with a piece of white paper in his hand.

“Dad, the teacher said to make a tabloid! Today’s theme is to save water. “

“Get out! “

“The teacher said it must be turned in tomorrow! “

“You tell the teacher that Dad is not producing water today, Dad is a nature mover today, the extra diligent kind. “

“Oh, good. “

“Come back! Don’t really tell the teacher! “

So it went on until eleven o’clock, when all the Medicine was barely drunk, and the toilet bowl had turned into what the nurse called “clear water. I went to bed, propped up against the wall, ready to sleep, but found it impossible.

Most of the mannitol had been drained, but the residual effects still caused my stomach to grumble at irregular intervals. I was like a citizen of Tokyo at the end of World War II, lying in bed with trepidation that the air raid siren would go off at any moment, and as soon as it did, I jumped out of bed and ran away without a second thought. Damocles’ diarrhea was hanging over my head at all times, so it was impossible to sleep.

After twelve o’clock, the diarrhea subsided, but another dilemma arose.

The nurse advised that after twelve o’clock, I had to completely abstain from food and water, and nothing was allowed to enter my mouth. Don’t look at the 1500ml of medication I filled at night, but the fluid I drained was only more, not less, because I am a nature’s porter. So as soon as it was past twelve, the diarrhea subsided, but my mouth got thirsty. Probably because of the psychological effect, not allowed to drink water, but let me more thirsty for water, a thirst is burning, a fire on the tongue and lips, tossing and turning in bed, simply can not sleep.

I don’t care, the quality of sleep is not good anyway, so I just get up and watch a movie. As a result, I found that I had a dry mouth in all the movies I watched, including but not limited to the Stonehenge and Godzilla series, which is not quite right. I hurriedly turned off the TV with palpitations, turned around the house a few times, decided to exclude distractions, in the mind to plan the strategy of medical examination after dawn.

Do not underestimate this planning. Each physical examination, in fact, is like playing an RPG game, two dozen tasks open at the same time, you must cleverly arrange the order of doing tasks to minimize the waiting time, and minimize the interference of tasks to each other, which is very deep. I’ll talk more about this later.

The next morning, I baba to the hospital, the lucky third to get the medical examination forms, before the others reacted, quickly grabbed the first task to run – if I knew what happened later, will be a little more cautious.

As planned, I rushed to the urine test window first, which is my least favorite item, and hurried to be the first to get rid of it first, then flew to get my blood drawn. I had to press for five minutes after the blood was drawn, so I went to the slowest EKG or ultrasound and waited in line. When you have pressed enough time, it’s your turn. The rhythm is perfect.

When I got to the urinalysis window, the nurse took the form, tore off two barcodes, and put them on two test tubes, saying to take at least half a tube of urine each. I took the two test tubes and raced to the next toilet, but before I could take two steps, the nurse stopped me.

“Hey, what are you doing in the toilet? “

“To get the urine. “

“Can you …… pee directly into the test tubes? “

The nurse lady looked at the two pen-thin test tubes in my hand, and then looked at me, some sympathy in the eyes, but also with some admiration. I was at a loss for words, my face was red as I mumbled “can not, really can not. “

The nurse lady pursed her lips and handed over a small plastic cup with a smile: “You run so anxious why, come on, take the disposable take urine cup, poured into the test tube ang, hehehehehehehe. “

In fact, she did not laugh, but I think she must have laughed in her heart. I rushed into the toilet with an embarrassed face, finished catching the urine with the urine cups, carefully poured into two test tubes, walked out the door, put them both into the test tube rack, looked up, found the nurse looking at me still laughing, rushed to cover their faces and left – and then found that I fucking forgot to wash their hands … …

I washed my hands and face again, walked out of the bathroom, deliberately bypassed the urine test window, and pretended that nothing had happened to get my blood drawn. But the problem was, the blood draw window was right next door to the urinalysis window!

I bet the urinalysis nurse definitely told the phlebotomy nurse what just happened. Because as soon as I sat down, the phlebotomist picked up six test tubes and waved them at me.

I forced my embarrassment, rolled up my sleeves, and the veins on my forehead were more visible than the veins on my arms. The whole time the blood was drawn, the nurse was skilled and quiet, but I was always distracted and suspected she would laugh at any moment. I suffered for half a day, suddenly had an idea, I thought I can pre-empt ah, as long as to provoke other topics, she will not have time to laugh at me.

I cleared my throat and said, “Why do you need to draw six tubes of blood so much? “

The nurse replied calmly: “Because you have a lot of items to check the blood. “

“Oh, how much volume per tube? I want to compare the volume of my usual blood donation. ” I began to run out of words.

“20 ml per tube. “

I paused for a moment, because I really did not know how to continue, and after thinking for a while, I spoke: “So here six tubes, would not it be a full 140 liters of my blood? “

The nurse lady looked up and looked at me oddly. I thought there was something wrong with the blood draw, looked down and saw that the blood flow was pumping smoothly from the blood vessels into the test tube, already five and a half tubes, nothing unusual ah?

I was puzzled when the nurse neatly replaced the sixth tube and replied in a low voice, “It’s 120 ml. ”

In that moment, I would rather face the kind of nurse in Silent Hill than to remain in this seat and face her.

The first second the needle was pulled out, I pressed the cotton ball heavily on the wound and ran away from the blood draw window like my life depended on it, to the EKG room. Fortunately, there were not many people at this time, so I didn’t have to wait in line to go straight in. The EKG doctor looked at me: “How can I do it for you? “

I then remembered that my left hand was pressing on the needle port of the blood draw on my right arm for less than a minute, a bad position to stick electrodes. My carefully designed perfect rhythm was bankrupt from the start.

The good thing is that the doctor was kind enough to find a small adhesive strip and stick the cotton ball on it, which started to operate skillfully. She looked at the machine for a while and suddenly spoke: “Your heart rate is a bit too fast, is it too nervous? “

“No, no. “I don’t want to explain why I fled in so fast.

“You close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and then come back. “

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, and the silvery laughter of two nurses in my ears must have been laughing at me, right? I suddenly realized that on that test tube label, my name was written. That’s why when they tell people about this episode, they don’t start with “I met a patient”, but rather name them. “I’m telling you, that patient named Ma X is funny”.

I thought of this, my heart was like the ashes of the community.

“Why is your heart rate too slow again? ” the EKG doctor shouted, staring at the machine.

Coming out of the EKG room, I tried to calm down. All those routine examination departments were nearby, spread out in a zigzag pattern, and any gossip would spread quickly. I studied the map and resolved to go to the most isolated, far corner of the city to get away from the herd, where the instruments for measuring bone density were located.

The place to check bone density is similar to a CT, a large empty room with a bed resting on it and a C-shaped opalescent machine next to it. People lying on the bed, exactly by the C frame in the middle. There is also a triangular pad where the feet are located. A male doctor was operating the machine on the other side of the wall, directing the patient with a loudspeaker.

I was satisfied with the environment, which should allow me to forget my previous embarrassment and empty my brain.

From the other side of the window, the male doctor spoke majestically into the microphone: “Take off your shoes and lie down on the bed with your head out and both feet inside against the sides of the triangular pad. “

I emptied my brain, followed the instructions honestly, and assumed the position. The speaker sounded again: “Take off your pants. “

I emptied my brain, followed the instructions honestly, and pulled all my pants down to my knees.

The speaker was silent for a moment and his voice became less calm: “I mean for you to take off your outer pants! The outer pants have metal ornaments on them, but not the others. “

I lay naked with my lower body in the empty room, my mind blank, with only two lines of tears crossing my face, clearer than the ones I pulled out last night. The horn prodded me one more time before I expressionlessly yanked my fall pants and underwear back around my waist and pulled my outer pants off as if nothing had just happened.

After doing the check, the speaker couldn’t wait for me to get up and leave. I stood in place, swept the ceiling, and shouted into the glass, “Do you guys have security cameras in here? The male physician waved his hand and moved his mouth, but unfortunately the glass blocked the sound and I couldn’t lip-sync, so I didn’t know if he said “no I don’t know if he said “no” or “fuck off”.

Next I chose the MRI, because it is the most time consuming, you have to lie in the machine for twenty minutes in solitude, away from all the distractions of the world. I desperately needed such an escape place to calm myself down.

If it were possible, I would have loved to stay forever. Unfortunately, the doctor quickly informed me to get out of bed and praised me: “You’re the quietest patient I’ve ever seen in an MRI, and you really didn’t move a muscle for that long. “

Hey, he couldn’t understand what I was running from.

The rest of the physical examination was uneventful. The only one worth mentioning was in surgery. As soon as I entered, the old doctor put on his gloves and hooked his long index finger to make me take off my pants. I was so frightened that I hurriedly took out the medical examination form: “Look, I will also colonoscopy it later, this finger examination to not …… “The old doctor regrettably took his index finger back, told me to sit down, and began to check other parts of the limbs with an unsatisfied face.

When I finished all the examination items, then I gathered my courage and stepped towards a place called the endoscopy center.

Here, I would face my first colonoscopy in my life. (Gastroscopy was done twice before)

The endoscopy center is divided into two parts, one is the lobby with an intake desk, seats and several empty beds. Inside, there is a passage, a bit like a stable, with seven or eight small rooms partitioned off on the side, each with a bed and instruments, and dimly lit, in contrast to the white light of the hall. From time to time, beds with patients lying in them were pushed in, going from light to darkness.

Although it was said to be painless, my heart started to beat uncontrollably, my stomach cramped slightly, and my mouth dried up even more – because I still couldn’t drink water before the gastroenteroscopy.

The nurse lady asked me my weight and age and issued me a tube of dacronin hydrochloride syrup to take quickly. I was so thirsty that even drinking this stuff was like drinking jelly, and I sucked it up in one go.

After drinking it, I was even more scared.

I had a gastroscopy before and knew that this was a drug for numbing the throat. Although the throat does not feel pain, but the person is still conscious, by a thick tube into the mouth, down the esophagus into the stomach, or quite uncomfortable.

Thinking along these lines, then to do a colonoscopy, do you need to numb …… there first? How to paralyze? If you still feel the sensation after the numbness, what should you do? The first thing you need to do is to ask for a numbness or ……

The nurse lady did not give me other drugs, only let me lie on the bed, pulled a sheet to cover the body.

“Take off all your pants down to your knees. “

I quickly pulled my outer pants down to my knees.

“I said all the pants! “

“Huh? “

I realized then that I was not at bone density there, screwed up backwards.

I backed all my pants down under the sheet, and a cold chill went through me down there, like I was about to expose my softest weakness to my most dangerous enemy. After a while, the bed moved and someone pushed me into that eerie corridor and into one of the cubicles.

The nurse told me to lie on my side, and I turned on my side to see a computer desk across the room. The screen was divided into large and small screens, each showing the asshole and bowel of the previous patient, the view filled with pink, dark red and flushed red, the folds and mucous membranes unusually clear and writhing from time to time. I regret that there was no endoscopic technology in Lovecraft’s time, otherwise he would have experienced a truly unnamable fear.

Once upon a time when I rode the train, I liked to lie on my back and look out the window, watching the pedestrians outside flicker by. I thought every time, I and that person, may not have any encounter in this life, the only moment of Destiny crossed, only that moment of the eyes, how wonderful ah.

I was still young and could not imagine that there would be such a fate in this world: a stranger, a total stranger, no matter the past or the future, in this moment this second, his or her intestines to see a through. The intersection of your life, only this. What kind of destiny is this?

I was thinking about it when the nurse lady came over with the IV device. I asked hopefully, “Is it going to be anesthetic? “

“Yes, intravenous, short-acting general anesthesia. “

“And you won’t feel any pain after the shot? “

“You can’t feel anything. “

The nurse lady put a mouth ball …… no, a supporter in my mouth, presumably to facilitate deeper use of the gastroscope.

She lifted my arm and started sticking the needle. A sudden surge of unexplained worry came over me. What if the anesthetic doesn’t work? What if my body is not sensitive to the anesthetic? You know, I have always been a poor sleeper and insensitive to sleeping pills. I can’t sleep after taking a miracle drug like Synthroid. What if the anesthetic does the same thing?

I might wake up suddenly in the middle of the examination, but the doctors and nurses are oblivious and continue to operate, what can I do? I think I’ve heard of cases abroad where people woke up in the middle of surgery and passed out from the pain because the anesthetic failed or the dose was not enough, will I encounter this situation.

It’s scary!

I felt the drug start to seep into my body, and hurriedly tried to lift my neck, lifting the brace slightly with my lips, and said vaguely, “If the anesthetic doesn’t work, I’ll give you a signal, Hee

My memory only goes so far.

When I woke up again, I was already lying outside.

As soon as I opened my eyes, just like Shinji, I saw the unfamiliar ceiling and the first words that popped into my head were: Asuka actually followed Kensuke? I fuck you gangster ……

No, no, I tried to remember what happened before, but only up to “Hee”, when I was unconscious, do not remember, not even a dream, directly fast forward to The awakening stage.

I must say, this is the deepest sleep I’ve had in recent years.

So, colonoscopy is such a wonderful feeling!

I craned my neck and saw the nurse passing by. I was about to give a shout when the nurse lady seemed to read my mind: “This anesthetic (I can’t remember the name) is not addictive, but it can’t be used to improve sleep. “

Well, the plan is bankrupt.

“Colonoscopy found no problem, two to five years later to come back to check, do not need to come every year. ” the nurse admonished again, I always feel that behind this statement, should hide some story.

I climbed down from the hospital bed, my head was still dizzy, and had to lean back against the seat and fret for ten minutes before I wandered out.

The more I walked out, the brighter the fire of hope burned in my heart.

I suddenly realized that I had been drinking liquid food for three consecutive days, hadn’t eaten for a whole day, hadn’t drunk water for eight whole hours, and my whole body was in a withered state. Now that the inspection was over, I could go beautifully and order a plate of fried chicken, a bowl of ramen, and a cup of Colbys!

Then I saw the sign at the exit that read

No food or water for two hours after the gastroscopy.

In fact, this was the second most painful moment I felt during the entire exam.

So when was the first painful moment?

It was when I went to pay for the exam after it was all done.

Where was the promised painlessness?

Anyway, remember to go for a medical checkup every year, don’t mind the hassle, it’s important.