As a marriageable girl with disabilities who does not go out, Jiujiu has been isolated from society for a long Time and is trapped in the dual reality of Family and Marriage, and even in the broader social reality.
A 28-year-old girl with rickets, Jijiu has had difficulty crossing both physical and psychological barriers to get out of the house.
At birth, she was abandoned by her biological Parents and picked up by her adoptive parents; at age 14, she dropped out of school and began a closed Life for 14 years. The real world was unfamiliar to her. When crossing the street, cars came and went, and she panicked as if seeing a car for the first time.
Whenever Kujou appeared, the eyes of people around her would sweep over. She was a pretty, beauty-loving girl with clear eyes and a strong nose. Many people complimented her on her good looks, while she was more concerned about her bent and short legs and became more and more self-conscious.
In order to cover her legs, she wears long skirts all year round, but is afraid of the wind, the wind blows, the front and back of the skirt will be sucked together, O-shaped legs will be highlighted. Her greatest fear is to walk together with family and friends to encounter the embarrassment of being ridiculed, “I think I gave them shame. “
At the age of 22, she was forced to start dating. To escape her family, she threw herself into love, and the romance repeatedly left her in pain.
In 2019, the white paper “Equality, Participation, Sharing: 70 Years of Safeguarding the Rights and Interests of People with Disabilities in New China” published a statistic: there are 85 million people with disabilities in China. A netizen on Douban used this data as an analogy, saying that the total number of people who have received a college Education or more in the 40 years since China resumed college entrance exams is only 90 million, and since college students are everywhere, where have all the disabled people gone? Someone replied: it is difficult for the disabled to go out.
Jiujiu, as a marriageable disabled girl who does not go out, has been isolated from society for a long time and is trapped in the dual reality of family and marriage, and even in the broader social reality.
The 9-square-meter balcony is a cramped room, with laundry drying on the railing and a basin underneath to catch the dripping water. Three years ago, there were piles of cardboard and cans here, but now there is a 140 cm tall girl with rickets, Kujou.
She still remembers when her family asked her to move here. At noon that day, her mother, He Yushu, came into the room to persuade her that her sister-in-law was going to have a second child and wanted her to move in “for the sake of the family She wanted her to give her room to her little nephew to sleep in. Jiu Jiu cried out, “Why ah, just because I am not your biological? “That afternoon, she had to vacate the room.
“There is no regret pill to eat, Destiny is this, there is no way ah …… “Talking about the matter of picking up Jiujiu, He Yushu, Luo Xujun couple is more regret.
April 7, 1993, Guangdong Qingyuan Luo Xujun in the town to collect scrap. His aunt saw a baby girl in front of the health center on the way to buy Food, persuaded him to adopt, “look good, raise more than one ah, young do not raise, old will not be able to do, later grow up to do some work to earn some money. “
At that time, Luo Xujun 39 years old, his wife 38 years old, only a 10-year-old son. Thinking that his wife wanted a daughter, twice pregnant, he decided to hold the child back.
Luo Xujun remembered that Jiujiu was put in a cardboard box, wrapped in an old pair of pants, with 10 yuan on his chest and a piece of paper on the side saying: born on April 6.
He picked up the baby into the health center for vaccinations, and carried to his aunt’s house to feed milk powder, and then drove a motorcycle to bring the child Home. He Yushu felt that the child “no name and no surname “She didn’t want to keep the baby. Luo Xujun convinced his wife that there is a daughter, after old age do not have to stay at home all the time, “can go to visit relatives well. “
Although the child is found, Luo Xujun couple consider themselves “as their own daughter treated “. Jiujiu’s first name, there is a “Shun The word “Shun”, Luo Xujun prayed that his daughter’s life would be smooth and smooth, but I did not expect fate to go the other way.
Jiujiu’s leg problems gradually emerged. He Yushu recalled that Jiujiu began to learn to walk at the age of one, because the waist strength is not enough, can not stand, it was difficult to learn to walk at the age of three, the legs are bent.
He Yushu inquired, Jiujiu’s biological parents live in the next village, the family name Lai, there are three daughters, a son, in addition to the youngest Jiujiu, there is a daughter is also O-legged. For why the biological parents abandoned Jiujiu, He Yushu heard two statements: one said Jiujiu is a girl; the other is Jiujiu after birth, the biological father saw her legs and feet have problems.
“Her mother (biological mother) said do not know, her father (biological father) said know, a birth guess she is (O-legged), he guessed clues, we are unlucky. He Yushu said.
At that time, Mr. and Mrs. Luo Xujun had not thought of giving up their child. He Yushu heard that Jiujiu sister’s bent leg tied, also used a wooden board to Jiujiu tied legs, but because Luo Xujun heart child, “pity her crying did not tie. “
As Jijiu grew up, the leg problem became more and more serious. Neighbors and relatives gossip a lot, some people said to his face, “just pick up will not pick up a such ah. “
The couple was helpless, regretful, but could not give up their daughter. He Yushu remembered that her husband once tried to carry Jiujiu out to send her away, and finally “carried back without a sound “. Luo Xujun recalled: “sad but useless ah, have met, not to say give up these, who is so cruel (again) throw out ah? Just wait for her to do surgery. “
Jiujiu 7 years old, Luo Xujun couple took her to a children’s hospital in Guangzhou, the doctor diagnosed as “O-shaped leg “. They spent seven or eight thousand dollars, the child did calf corrective surgery, playing 80 days in a cast. When the cast was first removed, the daughter walked a little better, but then it was the same old story again. It was not until seven years later, when the joints in her legs and feet became inflamed before she dropped out of school, that her family took her again to two hospitals in Guangzhou, where she was diagnosed with “rickets The diagnosis was confirmed as “rickets”. For financial reasons and because they felt the possibility of a cure was low, they gave up on the surgery.
“My existence is a mistake “
When she was a child, her mother would ask, “Whose daughter are you? “” Luo Xujun’s daughter. ” Kujou replied. She knew her parents wanted them to be closer. But when she disobeyed, her mother would say, “Your real mother didn’t want you when you were born; she wanted to strangle you. Her father also said to be meek and obedient or she would be thrown back to her biological mother.
After being forced to drop out of school, her parents more frequently mentioned sending her back to her biological parents or to an orphanage.
One summer night when she was 14 years old, she hid under the covers and whimpered – after dropping out of school, she was worried about her future and was in a sullen mood. Her father heard her and told her not to cry. She held her breath and asked back, “Can’t I cry a little?
Her father sat up and accidentally knocked over a basin of water on the bed. He became even angrier and went straight to Jiu Jiu’s bedside, grabbed her out of bed, threw her to the floor and tried to grab her again. She cried out and desperately tried to sink her body to the floor. Between pulls, she suddenly felt her chest and legs go stiff and numb, and her breathing became short. Each time she cried out, her body reacted in a similar way. Her father didn’t seem to notice and wrestled her back and forth three or four times before letting go.
Crawling back into bed, she heard her father tell her mother that tomorrow she would ask her aunt to come and carry her back to her biological father’s side. Her mother began to complain that if she had known, she would not have done it in the first place.
On another occasion, Kuniji argued with her mother because she had messed up her rubber band. When her father, who had just entered the house, saw her, he grabbed his slipper from under his feet and hit her on the back of the head, like an “enemy The father, who had just entered the room, saw her and took the slipper from under his feet and hit her on the back of the head, like an “enemy. Afterwards, her father dragged her to the stairway outside the door and pushed her with his hand. She rolled down the steps, fell halfway down, steadied herself, and, fearing that her father would close the door, stood up quickly and walked up two steps to enter the house. But her father dragged her around the corner of the stairs again and said to her, “No need to go home again. “
He Yushu explained that Jiujiu’s father was “bursting with temper because of his High blood pressure “. Compared to her father, her mother seems much gentler to Jiujiu. However, when her legs and feet had an attack, her mother would help her rub the active oil while saying, “It’s all your own mother’s fault for not fixing it in her past life, it’s really harmful to people and things. “When she heard this, she didn’t say anything, and was secretly sad, thinking of her own mother who brought her into this world. “Scold my own mother, then she (He Yushu) just don’t want me to survive. “
Jiujiu usually speak softly and slowly, you need to get closer to hear, recalling the words of his mother He Yushu, emotional outbursts, sitting on the bed hugging headache crying: “I feel so depressed ah, I have been holding back. Because they just think they are not wrong, the mistake is all me, and my own mother. I think my existence is a mistake. “
Mr. and Mrs. Luo Xujun admitted that they once wanted to send Jiujiu back to her biological parents, but knew that because of her physical condition, her biological parents could not possibly want her again. He Yushu said that when Jiujiu was three years old, her biological mother had gone to the pharmacy of a midwife on a neighboring street to see her. Luo Xujun said, unwilling to go can not be helped, it is impossible to force her to go, “do not love her long ago to drive her away. “
In recent years, Jiujiu read some psychology books to understand, He Yushu constantly mention the fact that the original family abandonment, is afraid that the daughter is not their mother, forget her.
Jiujiu believed that her mother loved her: before she woke up, her mother would put breakfast in the rice cooker to keep it warm; when she was sick and hospitalized, her mother would sleep with her in a hospital bed; after she quarreled with her mother, she would soften her tone and say to her. “Don’t be angry with Auntie (dialect: mother), angry with Auntie, who will care about you”, when she would hold her mother’s hand and she would put her hand on her face. “If I’m separated from my mother, I’m separated from anyone. “
Matchmaking dilemma
About the future, Jiujiu and her parents have a consensus – marrying someone is the way out, but for what kind of person to marry, the standards are different.
One day when Jiujiu was 22 years old, a guest suddenly came to the house. When she heard it was a blind date, she hurriedly locked the door behind her. Her father tapped on the door and shouted at her, but she didn’t say anything, and finally had no choice but to let the man go. The father told her to call the other party. The other party was a motorcycle repairer, and as soon as he opened his mouth, he asked Kujou, “How is your foot, can it work, does it work? ” She felt very uncomfortable.
From then on, her parents always promised the man privately when to meet Jiujiu, rarely asking her wishes, and even if they did, she was not allowed to say no back. Every time she refused to meet, her mother would say, “Your father will be angry if you don’t agree, I don’t care about you ” “You’re going to get older, you’re not going to be able to find it later. “
Jiujiu has met a total of six people, and she thinks only the first one is physically and intellectually normal. One was introduced by her uncle, she and the man only chatted on WeChat. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to its customers. He said that he had talked to three. The words reached the ears of her uncle, who chided her parents, “Is it honorable for your daughter to say such things? “The uncle used to say to the father. “If you don’t find her another one, you will drag you down. “The father became anxious as a result.
Fearful of being forced into marriage, Jiujiu consulted a free lawyer on the Internet and called the village women’s union, whose cadres contacted the parents. There was a break for a while, but it didn’t take long for the family to come back with a blind date.
This time, during the two hours of meeting, Jiujiu has been wearing headphones, playing mobile games, not looking at the man, but has been eavesdropping on the movement next to him. She recalls that the matchmaker kept saying that the man’s family was a rent collector, married over without having to do things, three meals a day to get it done. He Yushu recalled that she saw the male rarely speak, specifically asked, “Pretty boy, how old are you? “The other party can not respond, cousin uncle to help explain that “born with burned brain. “
A long time did not hear the question of intelligence, the male party to go, she swept a glance with the afterglow, estimated at 1 meters 8, wearing black pencil pants, “the legs are so straight ah. “Because of her own leg problems, she envied the other party is tall and straight legs, a little heartwarming. The father, because the man’s family is a rent collector, told her to “seize the opportunity “The father told her to “take the chance.
She took the initiative to contact the man, apologizing for the slowness of the day and hoping to have a good conversation. The other party only replied with emojis like yawning that did not match the content of the chat. The mother has not mentioned the man’s intellectual problems for a long time now, and wonders about the other party’s reaction: is he stupid, or does he not want to talk to me?
A distant relative introduced his son to Kujou. When we met, the aunt said that her son had been shot from behind by someone at work, got scared and sick, became sluggish, went to a neurologist and took Medicine. “He is now sick and wants you to fall in love with him and flush it out will be better. “Auntie said to her. “Go over there as long as you will take care of up this end of the house on the line, collect the rent and that’s it. “My mother also advised her. “Collecting rent is so simple, auntie does not mind, and then pick you will not be wanted. “
Because she was a relative, Jiujiu could not be offended because she was in the way, she only politely asked her aunt to let nature take its course and not to force her. After a day, the aunt called again, asking her to come and live and be a daughter-in-law. By the third day, she was afraid, cried in her room, walked out and cried to her mother: “Look at the way my feet are before introducing me to such people, I obviously don’t want to see them, it’s all because you guys forced me It’s all because you forced me! She went on to hit her leg with all her might. “You cut it off, cut it off, don’t you think it’s ugly! Her mother explained that it was for her own good.
Rejecting one blind date after another caused her parents’ relatives to have a lot of opinions. They said to Jiujiu, “You’re not very good, it’s good that people see you, so you have to pick and choose. She rejected dating, and if she lived with those people, it would be more than ten times more painful than now, “they just want to find a woman to pass on to the next generation, as a tool for fertility or lust. “
She confesses that she is reluctant to marry a disabled person because she fears that the probability of having a disabled child will become greater. In her opinion, disabled people have low self-esteem and negativity inside, and there is a chain of contempt among each other, and finding a disabled person to live with does not allow them to snuggle with each other for warmth.
She still can’t accept her legs and is afraid of everything that reflects light. The sun shines in and will reflect the shape of her legs, as well as the door of the elevator, the floor of the hotel, the shopping mall fitting mirror, she is afraid to look.
He Yushu said, did not force Jiujiu dating, just told her to see, “suitable to talk, not suitable even. “In the eyes of the parents, Jiujiu “good requirements”, both to look high, but also to have Culture.
He Yushu understands her daughter’s “self-esteem “But her daughter’s choice of spouse is not easy to achieve. She often asks neighbors to introduce objects, some people worry that Jiujiu’s legs will be hereditary. Luo Xujun was anxious that no one would want her daughter when she was older, but she thought there was nothing she could do about the disability of the matchmaker, “You have problems with your own legs, so people who are good will not want you. “, while thinking that if the other party is also disabled, each month can receive an additional state subsidy. “I said we are all disabled, there are two meals to eat even. “
Love like an able-bodied person
Longing for a soulmate. Family members do not know that in the small living space of 9 square meters, she has built a spiritual habitat for herself. She loves literature and is obsessed with the infatuated prostitute who falls in love with the young master in Li Bihua’s novel “The Rouge Button”. “She and the young master are so different that they can’t be together in the eyes of the world, just like between me and a normal person. ” said Kujou.
She believes that her current home is not a permanent shelter and hopes to find an able-bodied boy to take her away. Because she can’t leave her home, her only form of dating is online dating. She has a pretty face and has had three boyfriends back and forth.
She doesn’t want to talk about her first boyfriend. She was 22 years old at the time, and the other party was 21 years old and from Guizhou. on the fourth day of the Lunar New Year in 2015, her boyfriend took a train to Jiujiu’s home, ready to take her back home. Although at the beginning of their acquaintance, Jiujiu has told the other party their physical condition, but after seeing Jiujiu’s legs in person, the other party’s reaction is still great, “closed mouth, exasperated, do not speak, and do not explain. “The other party soon left.
This blow made Jiujiu feel that “no one will like me anymore The other side soon left. A month later, she met her second boyfriend on WeChat shake, the other party claimed to be 32 years old, Singaporean, ancestral Meizhou, Guangdong, a university graduate, engaged in oil offshore work.
The first meeting, the other party held her hand and went into a star restaurant to eat steak, and later went to the hotel together. When they got to the room, the other party lay beside her, touching everywhere, expressing the desire to have sex. Jiujiu was reluctant, and nothing more happened that night.
The next day, after Kujou came home, her boyfriend complained to her, “If you don’t have sex, the relationship won’t last “, and from time to time send her some articles about sex, telling her that sex can make ” body better and happier” and promises to take her away to Singapore.
Her family is arranging a blind date, and she is eager to escape her family, even if she doesn’t like it, but the thought that the other party rarely dislikes her, so let’s stay together.
Her boyfriend is generous to Kujou. She estimates that in the two and a half years they were together, he gave her a total of about 20,000 yuan. Today, she still has items bought by her boyfriend in Singapore in her room, including cell phones, clothes, earrings, mosquito nets and so on. This touched Kujou, who grew up with parents who always couldn’t afford to spend money on her and couldn’t always buy a new outfit a year.
Because of the foreign love, the two always see each other only at intervals of more than half a year, and every time they meet is to eat and have sex. Jiu Jiu because they do not like each other, sex will resist, but after one or two times, see each other sullen look, worry that the two therefore “may completely bye-bye The two of them are the same.
During the two years they were together, the boyfriend often mentioned marrying Jiujiu, having children, and taking her on trips to various countries, even letting her get a passport. There is no substantial progress in the marriage, Jiujiu feel uneasy, until one day learned that the other party has a wife and children, feel like they “like being struck by lightning “, “no longer rely on, back to this family I’m not sure what I’m talking about. “Soon, she proposed a breakup.
When it comes to the third boyfriend, Jiujiu’s mood became complicated. She introduced this boyfriend to the next person, always respectfully called “Mr. Fu “.
They met on a dating software called “Soul (Note: Soulmate) They met on a dating software called “Soul”. At that time, Fu Chao failed in his second business venture and was facing a change in his marriage that was about to break up. With the mindset of pity for the same illness, the two talked to each other.
After a month of acquaintance, Fu Chao proposed to meet, Jiu Jiu pushed that they “do not look good The other person replied, “It’s okay, I’ll see you. The other party replied, it’s okay, I see you because your inner attraction to me, not your appearance. She was impressed and told the other party the real condition of her body. On the day of the meeting, Jiujiu wandered inside the neighborhood for a long time, not daring to go out. Fu Chao was angry with her over the phone for not being confident, and after seeing her from afar, he said, “I think I saw you. “. Only then did she feel relieved.
The first time they met, Fu Chao also expressed a request for sex like his Singaporean boyfriend. Jiu Jiu was afraid and did not agree. Two months later, Mr. Fu received Jiujiu to Shenzhen, and the two spent the Chinese New Year 2019 together.
This time, she became proactive and bold in the sexual relationship for fear of missing out and regretting it. She began to enjoy the sex act, feeling as if the two finally mingled into one person, her soul wandering into the other, “fantasizing that I had this (sound) body. “
Those days have been warmed in the heart of Kujou. Outside the sound of firecrackers, the house two lonely souls snuggled together. Only when the boyfriend received a call from the bank, the atmosphere became subtle – once you hear the ring, Fu Chao will press off the phone, looking grave.
Five days later, the two men parted and returned home for a long time. Fu Chao promised that he would pick her up when he found a job, but eventually did not keep his promise and proposed to break up. Jiujiu wanted to go to him, there was no way to go alone, so she had to ask her Singaporean boyfriend to take her to Shenzhen. The Singaporean boyfriend was angry and puzzled, “Why are you so obsessed with him, I pay so much for you, how much money has he spent for you? “
Jiu Jiu was caught up in the question. She knew the other side could see that half of her time with him was about money and felt immoral. “Am I a glutton for punishment? ” She is torn and asks her good friend Lele, who tells her to choose between her rich Singaporean boyfriend and Mr. Fu, who owes her money. Jiujiu did not hesitate to choose Mr. Fu, “He (Singaporean boyfriend) is trying to buy my love through money, Mr. Fu has helped me materially, but he also gave me spiritual love. “
She always remembered Fu Chao good, once, she went to the supermarket with Fu Chao, see the shelves of chocolate, think too expensive, deliberately said that do not want to buy, and then turn around, he has bought; climbing, she could not walk, although he was very tired, or will squat down to carry her.
Now, Jiujiu and Fu Chao is no longer boyfriend and girlfriend, but still keep in touch. Jiujiu wants to get married with Fu Chao, every time I mention it, the other side reacted greatly, “I will not be with you, I also do not want to get married, I am now mud bodhisattva over the river. “Jiujiu no longer mention, she believes that Fu Chao because of debt and unwilling to start a new life.
But sometimes because of her own physical condition, she can’t help but doubt each other’s feelings. When caught in the black hole of doubt, she self-enlightenment, “Although he is in financial difficulties, but he is at least a normal person, it is not difficult to find a person, he can also find a solution to the physical needs of the kind, but why he wants to find me? But why would he want me? “
Her parents didn’t believe her online boyfriend. Her mother said to her, “It’s not true that you don’t get married. She is more convinced by Lele’s point of view. Lele, a girl with cerebral palsy, was met by Jiujiu online in 2019. Lele has not tasted love, but told Jiujiu that if she really likes a person, she will not care that she is a disabled person and will ignore the external flaws because of the inner beauty. Jiujiu thinks Mr. Fu is this person.
“No one sees me “
Jiujiu is afraid to go out, and has never gone out alone in the past, but in order to find Fu Chao, twice took an online taxi to Shenzhen alone. on December 15, 2020, she took a ride to Shenzhen with me, during which she got carsick and vomited no less than 20 times along the way. When she vomited, she felt her heart beating fast, her limbs were stiff and twitching, and “her fingers seemed to be constricted like chicken claws “.
Fu Chao said that because he was at the bottom of his life, and Jiujiu had some imperfections, they came into each other, and he had a third of love for Jiujiu, and more sympathy for the same disease. The main reason the two couldn’t be together was that he was worried that his parents and children wouldn’t be able to accept Jiujiu’s medical condition. He did not have the courage to say this to Jiujiu.
In October 2019, he introduced Taobao customer service jobs to Jiujiu to help her become self-sufficient. When he saw her struggle to teach herself computers, he admired her for not giving in to fate. But Jiujiu soon gave up the job because of her weak resistance to stress. He was therefore angry and realized at the same time that he could not communicate with her on the usual topics of work life, “she is actually considered half out of society and her thoughts are not in one place. “
Fu Chao believes that Jiujiu should first of all be self-sufficient, support herself, not dependent on others, but also understand her because of her upbringing to put love above all else.
“Which do you think is more important, finding love or work? “To this question, Kujou answers without hesitation every time “Love”, even though she knows very well that “Work allows you to be more free inside love” and not to be dependent on others.
It’s not that Jiujiu hasn’t tried hard. When she was in Shenzhen, she struggled to balance household chores and customer service work. When cooking, she turned up the sound of Want Want to the maximum, “Ding Dong When the sound goes off, she quickly “runs “Go back to the message. Fu Chao praised her for her good cooking and cleanliness, so she doubled her efforts. These efforts may be very small in the eyes of able-bodied people, but Jiujiu needs to put in a lot of energy.
When telling her story, Jiujiu repeatedly mentions the “low sense of value When telling her story, Kujou repeatedly mentions her “sense of low value”. Her parents said since she was a child that she could not compete with others with her feet, and that she was such a pretty girl, but she lost on her feet. 18 years old, she did handicraft work for a few cents, and once, when she and her mother were assembling pen nibs, the boss found that several pen cases were cracked when he inspected them, and deducted most of her salary. “dry for nothing”. Do Taobao customer service work, she was praised by the guests, very happy, screenshot sent to Fu Chao, but the other party back that “you reply with a robot, not as good as no customer service. “
“I feel very scared, the heart is very empty, as if no one sees, care about what I do, I do what is the worst. “Jiujiu confided that living in a disabled body is too exhausting, at first not to admit defeat, but family members and the outside world do not accept, and over time also feel that they are a “waste”.
Sometimes, her father signaled that it was time for her to find a job, “people go out to work in their teens. “Hisao did not want to go, she did not have the confidence to overcome her fear of the outside world, and did not want to “Because their own efforts to win their care, such love is conditional.”
Jiujiu envies Lele for having childlike innocence. She feels that the difference between the two is that Lele has parents who love her, while she does not. Lele said that she used to be teased by children for walking “like a zombie She asked her mother if she regretted giving birth to her. Mom told her, “I haven’t regretted it, everyone meeting is a destiny, we can become a family, is also a destiny. “
Today, Jiujiu gets tired more and more easily when she walks, as if she is “carrying a heavy load She is worried that her feet will not be able to walk in the future and she will have to use a wheelchair. After saying that, she got nervous again and asked me, “Wouldn’t that be ugly? I don’t know if Mr. Fu will dislike me more when he sees it. I have to ask Mr. Fu (if I can sit in a wheelchair). “
At the end of the interview, I asked Jiujiu’s mother, “If Jiujiu really leaves this house, will you be sad to leave? “
“She can’t help it if she wants to go …… ” He Yushu’s voice was getting weaker and weaker, her words slurred up, and she couldn’t help the tears falling down. This was the only moment in the interview when she lost control of her emotions. After a while, she wiped her tears and said, “Where can I go, right, where can I go? “
(At the request of the interviewee, all characters in this article are pseudonyms. Our reporter Yang Nan also contributed to this article
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