She is clear that writing more poems will not solve the fundamental problems in her Life unless she is “reborn”.
At 10:30 p.m., it is Time for Han Shimei, a peasant woman, to start writing poems.
On the double bed, she lies on her side to one side. Her husband and son are asleep, the sounds around her recede, and the chores of the day come flooding back. Han Shimei holds her phone, turns them into words, puts them into rhymes, and writes them on the screen until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. The phone screen emits a faint light in the darkness – it’s her own place.
On January 18, Han Shimei sent out three poems. One about a farmhouse in the mountains, one about the rain on an arch bridge, and one about a horse in a mountain river. “Misty mountains winding around, watching blossoms in Dreams. “”Where raindrops fall, frequent ripples. “”Stepping through the five mountains, the footprints stay at the end of the world. Three poems are placed in a picture, one red, one purple and one green. Han Shimei wrote in the accompanying text: “I was cooking at the factory, and I was in a hurry to cook at noon, so I sent one less sentence of the work. Now I’m going to re-send it to you, the full version, this time without forwarding comments. Thank you for your company all the way. Thank you all. “
Han Shimei is 49 years old and lives in Jiuzhong Township, Xichuan County, Nanyang, Henan Province. The entire first half of her life, she was living for others, for her mother, for her husband, for a pair of children. The rest of her life will probably be the same. In April last year, she started writing poems in the fast hand. In the past year, writing poetry has become almost all Han Shimei has to do outside of her Home and work.
Han Shimei has 1430 followers and 1547 followers, the majority of whom are people who write poems on Facebook, just like her. But when you type in the keyword “poem” directly, you won’t find them. Unless you find Han Shimei, or other poet writers, you can find the switch to discover them.
In the comment section of any of Han Shimei’s works, you can find comments from poet writers.
These three pieces from January 18, not more than two hours after they were sent out, were lined with verses and praise under the work – “Trekking horses weeping willow crossing, flowers scented and complaining of late spring ” “Rain falls in the lake circle waves, suspected of fish spitting lotus waves”, some people write their own composition after the Some people write their own sentences, and then add a sentence “Sister, you have to think about it, too much worry. Han Shimei replied: “Thank you, little brother, leave ink to add fragrance “, followed by five thumbs up.
They call each other “poetry friends”, and when they click into their homepage, most of them are pictures or videos. In the pictures, there are crops in the field, scenery outside the truck, photos of tourists, bunk beds in factory dormitories; even an old tree, a flower or a head of garlic in the village. There are also people who have created poetry groups with three to four hundred people, and every day someone sends a newly written poem into the group.
Han Shimei’s memory is not very good, the first day after writing the poem, sent to the fast hand, the next day when the eyes open forget. But she can’t forget the “joy” of finishing the poem – a row of poets in the comments brushing This is much happier than when folks praise her for her ability to work. Outside of the daily chores of work and Family, she found a “little bit of herself”.
Poetry
Since fleeing with her family from Hubei to here at the age of one, Han Shimei has never been outside of Henan – strictly speaking, the countryside of Henan. The farthest she’s been is Zhengzhou, where her son went to college, and Xichuan County, where she sent her father-in-law to the doctor in 2016.
In the early 21st century, because of the South-North Water Diversion Project, the valley was filled in and there was nothing but flat, yellow soil as far as the eye could see. Her hometown is separated from the Danjiangkou Reservoir by a town, and since 1959, about 400,000 Xichuan people have moved in addition – but these big histories have nothing to do with Han Shimei, whose own stories have been able to fill up all her memories until the poem called them out.
Han Shimei and her son both work in the village’s bag factory, just four minutes by electric bike from home. At the factory, she was responsible for cooking for the factory managers, while her son worked as a worker. In her free time, Han Shimei is used to make shoes with hook and loop, a pair of which can be sold for eighty dollars in the market. Last April, Han Shimei changed her cell phone. Before that, she was using a 500 yuan smartphone, only using WeChat, nickname is “Wang Xinyue Parents“, followed by a string of cell phone numbers –Wang Xinyue is the name of Han Shimei’s daughter, who attends high school in Xichuan County.
In the newly replaced cell phone, her son installed the fast version for her and helped her register an account. This became the second cell phone software used by Han Shimei, after WeChat. The first time I used Racer, Han Shimei found a red packet on the screen, clicked in, it said to watch the video can receive Gold coins. The first time I used it, I found a red packet on the screen. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to its customers.
In a few days, Han Shimei saw a poem. She forgot that it was five or seven words, anyway, is neatly lined up in the screen, the background is a landscape picture. The words on it Han Shimei seem to understand, but the reading is smooth. It was this poem that opened an outlet for Han Shimei’s life in the factory and the house. A light came in.
That was the first time Han Shimei saw a poem after she dropped out of junior high school. She told All Now that she was good at language when she was in elementary school, and in the fifth grade, she would make up some jingles. And the first poem she wrote on her hand was more like a lyric.
“Whose heart is empty, whose heart is so desolate. Who is the cheeks of two lines of tears, who always carry the matter, who broke your heart Fang. “
This poem is regarded as “miserable and sad” by Han Shimei. In the text below the poem, she wrote, “Women must find a person you love in (re)Marriage. Otherwise, this life is blind. “
But even though it was “miserable and sad,” writing poetry became the only thing that made her happy in her daily life, after all, it was only when she wrote poetry that she could feel “a little bit of self”. And no matter what she writes, she will be complimented. She writes poems quickly, from inspiration to write out, the fastest as long as a few minutes. 11:30 p.m. on January 8, Han Shimei clicked into a poet’s fast page, watched the person’s work with the video, and wrote five songs in one breath.
In the video are some scenery Han Shimei has never seen, her village, almost everything is yellow earth color. When she saw a small bridge in the picture, she wrote, “The rain washes green clothes, the arch bridge is sparse for pedestrians”; there is a piece of sky, she wrote “the blue sky clouds like a veil, the jungle reflects the colorful haze”; there is a curved moon, she wrote “the wind rolls the remaining clouds, no. The moon is hanging in the blue sky”. The poem is written quickly, but Han Shimei will only post one every day or two. The reason is that a person on the snapchat told her that she can’t post too many in one breath, “it’s not good”. Although she doesn’t understand why, Han Shimei remembers this advice.
Obeying and following orders is the best thing she has done in her life.
Han Shimei should have been drowned in a bucket of urine.
She was the fifth of six siblings in her family. On the day her mother went into labor, Han Shimei was born with her back up. Her mother said that a child born in this position would be unkind and ungrateful as an adult, so she tried to drown her in a bucket of urine. Her father tried to stop her and saved Han Shimei’s life.
In 2005, Han Shimei was 34 years old, and by then she was already the mother of two children. It was only before her mother died that she heard the story in her bed at home.
But it didn’t matter, Han Shimei hated her mother so much that she hated her until she died.
Han Shimei said her father was an officer in the National Army and her mother was the daughter of a landlord. When she was born, her family had long been classified as a bad element, and in 1972, the family fled from Hubei to the north and landed in Jiuzhong Township. Han Shimei studied well and always got the top three awards in exams. She pressed the certificates neatly under her mattress, bulging out a small bag, and slept with them against her back.
When she was 22, she was sold to a man 8 years older than her in a foreign village. Han Shimei’s three sisters suffered the same fate, with prices ranging from a few hundred to a thousand dollars each, and most of the buyers were old bachelors from the village. Han Shimei’s price is higher, three thousand yuan. The man can only some simple words. In the words of Han Shimei, “like a child of a few years old”.
The company’s main goal is to provide a good service to its customers. “You’re still a troublemaker,” Han Shimei remembers her mother saying at the time. On the day of the wedding, the in-laws set up two tables of banquets and handed over 3,000 yuan to her mother, but what fell to Han Shimei was only four new clothes. Before that, Han Shimei wore her brother’s and sister’s clothes. When the wind came in, Han Shimei’s cotton clothes, which were a few sizes too big, hung on her body and bulged into a ball.
Before she got married, Han Shimei thought that her husband was just a little bit brainy and that she could always get by. But when she arrived at her in-laws’ house, she found that the situation was worse than she had imagined. My father-in-law and my husband have the same disease, and my mother-in-law is a small-footed person who does not work, and the family lives in a tiled house of more than 30 square meters. In order to marry her, her in-laws owed relatives and the credit union 4,800 yuan. From 1992, when Han Shimei married, the debt collectors never stopped.
Han Shimei got pregnant right after she got married, but until the day before she gave birth, she was still picking water from the well. When her third sister came to visit her, she found that she had no money for nutrition and bought her five dollars’ worth of eggs. Han Shimei had no time to complain, but all she could do was to keep these little things in her heart, and she kept turning between work and raising her family in silence.
She is eager to communicate with people, but men are like “a tree” “A wall”, will only ever listen to Han Shimei, but can not say a complete sentence. Han Shimei said that eating and working were the only two things he would do, like an honest cow. Sometimes they have some friction, she tries to reason with her husband, but speak on a day and a night, he is still the same dull look, not nodding nor shaking his head. Gradually, Han Shimei also did not have the energy to lose his temper, and talk less and less day by day down.
The debt, pay off the debt; and debt, pay off the debt again. At the poorest time, the family did not even have the money to buy salt. Han Shimei planted peppers, into the factory, trying to give the family to increase income, the village people praise this 3,000 bought daughter-in-law can do.
Han Shimei also became more and more tied to the family. She trained herself to become a more and more perfect screw, embedded in this rusty machine, “self” no longer have a place. 2002, because her husband In 2002, because her husband kept saying “I want a daughter”, Han Shimei gave birth to another daughter, for which the family borrowed 4,000 yuan to pay the 5,000 yuan family planning fine.
“I was born as this mother’s daughter, and this is my fate,” said Han Shimei, who still attributes her destiny to her mother.
Hope
Han Shimei originally thought of her son as her hope, but that hope was also dashed.
On the 29th day of the 8th month of the 1993 lunar calendar, Han’s son was born. Before the birth, she was worried that her son would be the same as her husband and father-in-law. Only when she heard the baby’s cry did she step down. “Look at the face is not a stupid”, Han Shimei cherish this child, never let him do any physical work. Later, when her son went to school in the county, she went to deliver meals when she could; when her son entered Zhengzhou Light Industry University, she insisted on taking a few hours’ ride to Zhengzhou every month to see her son.
After graduation, her son went to the factory to look for a job. During a physical examination, a lung shadow was found. The doctor diagnosed that it was the result of a childhood pneumonia and had no effect on the body. However, the factory refused to accept him because of this shadow, and tried several others in a row, all with the same result. He was able to find some other jobs, but it was like he got a disability card and went home to lie down from then on. Later, Han Shimei gave him the job in the factory now.
As for these, Han Shimei generally does not speak to others, other poets in the fast hand only know that Han Shimei has trained a college student.
But the college student doesn’t care about Han Shimei’s poems, and now he lives alone on the second floor of his house, with the red banner from his wedding still hanging outside the window.
No one reads Han Shimei’s poems except for her poetry friends and daughter on the fast track. She tried to read them to her husband, and after reading a few, he had the same expression, Han Shimei understood that this time he still did not understand. “I don’t know how hard it is to live with trees, and how painful it is to live with walls. No one can understand what I’ve been feeling all my life. No tears to cry. Wanting to say nothing. “On Jan. 3, she posted this dynamic.
On November 26, 2020, the day of her son’s wedding, Han Shimei posted the only “joyful” poem in her work on the hand.
“A flower with a golden branch and a jade leaf, fell into the king’s family and made a family. Husband and wife sing and follow the day, next year, the birth of a pair of dragon and phoenix baby. “
In the photo, the groom kneels down on one knee and puts on the ring for the bride. In order to this marriage, Han Shimei light to the village matchmaker matchmaking on more than a dozen, spent 50,000 to 60,000. There was a hit, 50,000 deposit were paid, but the son did not want to, and the marriage back. Han Shimei let his son come, it does not matter, and then find.
The son and his current wife are met online, the girl is beautiful, Han Shimei like. The wedding, plus the bride price and red envelope, Han Shimei almost empty the family savings, and borrowed 230,000 in the outside. The local son’s wedding, to the daughter-in-law to prepare the “four gold” custom, just gold rings, gold bracelets, gold necklaces, gold earrings, it cost 100,000 yuan.
Han Shimei is not distressed, “son’s wedding, spend as much money as you want. “
But this also tied Han Shimei to the family more tightly. Wife, mother, grandmother, a new identity pressed on her, with her relationship with more and more people, who can not leave her.
For the first time in her life, she has a social life outside of her family and can be the person she has wanted to be for half her life – a “woman The first time she could be the person she wanted to be for half her life – a “woman”. She is free to show her vulnerability, writing “for the slave does not ask about the red dust, tears have dried two sideburns frost”. But “there is a dependence, there is a person who loves” this wish, she can never achieve. Once in the fast hand, she brushed a “Hairpin Phoenix”, but also with the story of Lu You Tang Wan. Han Shimei quite like, think they are the same as them, love has become a tragedy.
Han Shimei said that last July, a Zhanjiang man wanted to be good with her, promising to “love” her, but called Han Shimei The company’s main business is to promote the development of the company.
At that time, Han Shimei just use the fast hand, did not send a few poems. The 38-year-old man approached her for a private chat, claiming to be a market owner, divorced and with an eight-year-old daughter. After reading Han Shimei’s poems, he wanted to marry her.
Han Shimei said she was old, dark and ugly. The man said that people are not in appearance.
Han Shimei said, she has a mentally disabled husband, and two children, the family can not live without her. The man said, then you can two run.
Han Shimei still refused, “when young did not make a mistake, the old can not make a mistake.” “Immediately hold the grandchildren, can not give the children shame”.
Now, on her Racer homepage, you can’t see any of the works she released last July.
Writing about poets
These stories do not appear in Han Shimei’s snapshots.
Han Shimei generally does not actively follow others, someone followed on her, the phone will pop up a reminder, she immediately followed back. Sometimes it’s not until 4:00 a.m. that Han Shimei’s Racer still shows “online”.
Now, her stream is basically filled with poems. The number of followers and fans are similar when you click into each poet’s page, and they call each other “poet friends”. Their poems are mostly positive, mainly about scenery and emotions. But like Han Shimei, behind almost every line of poetry is their own trivial but rich lives.
For example, Yan Jiangfeng, nicknamed “Lone Bamboo Peak Green”, is a happy artist on the shutterbugs. In the hand, he is a happy farmer, will write a poem to the strawberries, “I never fear the winter cold, the snowstorm wind is not afraid of difficult. I would rather open alone with the gentleman, Qiong Hua sent a message to report peace. At the beginning of this year, when he was quarantined at home because of the Epidemic, his poem changed from “The sun is shining” to This winter is a bit cold”, “This winter is a bit cold / It’s so cold that it makes people panic / I see I can see the particles in the haze / with a fierce look on their faces”.
Another example is Ma Hairong, who claims to have more than 20 years of “poetry experience,” and is the leader of a poetry group that organizes poetry meetings from time to time. His criteria for joining the group is to give priority to party members, character, politics and professionalism, and to examine all three aspects. In his group, almost every day, the group members share their newly composed poems.
Han Shimei has not joined any poetry group, and her interaction with Ma Hairong and others is limited to mutual attention and occasional likes. She has little confidence in her own poems: “What I write is also called poetry? As for the “professional” things like metre, she The first time someone told him about the poem, he said. Once someone told him that the last word of each line of the poem should rhyme, and the third line can not rhyme, Han Shimei then understood. But most of the time she doesn’t care about that, and when she sees something she’s interested in, she just raises her hand and writes it.
On January 18, a “teacher” from Baoding, Hebei, sent a private message to Han Shimei, saying that her poem was “good”, “talented The poem was written by a “teacher” from Baoding, Hebei, who said she was “very good” and “talented”, but “the meter was all wrong”, and expressed her willingness to teach her. Han Shimei also wanted to “improve” and to get more compliments. The other side said no, he himself was taught for free by others on the fast track.
The “teacher” sent the metrical specifications, the night of January 19, Han Shimei wrote a song to hand in. The “teacher” finished reading the poem and said that the meter was right, but the rhyme was all wrong. Although she barely knew what rhyme meant, but how to pronounce each word in Mandarin, Han Shimei did not know, she has been speaking Henan all her life.
After this “study”, she found that she could not write poems like the original. “Too much effort, not free”.
What’s more, she knew that writing more poems would not solve the fundamental problems in her life, unless she was reborn. Han Shimei thought, when her daughter graduated from college, can earn money, they will go to jump into the river, “there is no point in living, light worry”.
In the afternoon of January 20, Han Shimei and as usual in the factory cooking – leaders came over to urge her to fry two hot dishes in the evening. The restaurant, which is exclusive to managers, has an air conditioner and a round table with a glass turntable, and Han Shimei sits not far from the table, crosses her legs and sings “West Sea Love Song” by Dagger. This song from more than a decade ago has recently caught fire again on the fast track.
“I’m waiting bitterly for the warm spring at the top of the snowy mountains, for the lone goose that returns after the snow and ice melts on the plateau …… “, with Henan singing cadence long and empty, and coarse and bleak original singing completely opposite.
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