The first time a young person brings a partner home is a big event for the whole Family. The collision of the new generation’s ideas and traditional concepts, the relationship of family power, Parents‘ expectations of their children’s partners, and the conflicts and contradictions between the two generations may all act as fuses and detonate in this meeting.
We, who understand the feelings of our peers, are not always clear about our parents’ thoughts. This time, we talked to four parents to talk about what’s really going on in their hearts from their perspective.
Not until I’m dead
@Lolo, Shanghai
When my daughter brought home a boy for the first time, my husband and I did everything we could to prepare for the ceremony beforehand.
We got up early, went to the market, bought expensive seafood, and made a table full of dishes. Nearly noon, the boy came, carrying four boxes of gifts. After a cursory glance, it was quite high-class. After greeting, I asked him to put the gifts in the entrance hall.
My husband did not say much, he disapproved of this Marriage than I did.
My family owns a factory, so I can count on the food and clothing, but only through experience, I know how worrying it is to do business. I don’t want my daughter to go down this old road again, after she graduated from college, I proposed that she go to the preparation.
There are young people on the Internet who criticize the old generation of Shandong thinking, and there are also paragraphs that say “Shandong children do not take the civil service even if they are rebellious”, but the establishment, which means that the general environment is not good, but also to protect the income.
My daughter was reluctant, but she has always been obedient and did not argue too much on the matter.
In 2013, the daughter graduated from college, not long after a date. The boy is her high school classmate, the family is the village of the city, working in the field. I heartily disagreed, and I refused my daughter’s repeated offers to let him come to my home.
My requirements for the ideal son-in-law are not high, there is a formal job, the home should be in the county, otherwise the living habits are different, even if the two are now good feelings, the future life is difficult to say.
At the end of 2014, my daughter again proposed to let the boy come to the door, this time I did not refuse, rather than dragging, when the boy’s face to make it clear, and not delay the two young people.
When eating, the boy was very restrained. He poured us water, I took it, my husband did not, and I could see that my daughter was a little upset. The boy praised my handiwork, I deliberately said: “This seafood is my daughter’s favorite, in the middle of winter, the village people do not want to eat it. “
The boy smiled and said: “Auntie, don’t worry, even more expensive I can afford. “
I don’t want to say any more phonetic words, if you don’t agree, you don’t agree, there is no need to resort to malice. I cut to the chase and told the boy, my daughter is spoiled out, it is impossible to marry in the village to suffer, and he works in the field, my daughter can not find a foreign, too hard.
The boy smiled and said to me: “Auntie, I can come back to work, single-mindedly good to her, absolutely do not let her suffer, to ensure that in the future work hard to earn money, to give her a good life. “
These words can bluff my daughter, can not fool me, I said: “young man, say this is useless, you have nothing now, may be developed later, but my daughter can not wait for you ……”
Not yet finished, my daughter stood up. The boy pulled her, then said something, first go home, I let him take the gift, he insisted not to take, I put outside the door, close the door.
After the boy left, my daughter and I made a big fuss, I did not soften at all, and said to her: “You do not want to marry this boy, as long as I am here, you do not think! Unless I die! “
My daughter bawled and locked herself in her bedroom. I called my sisters and asked them to introduce my daughter to someone. Soon, a sister introduced me to a boy, street office civil servants, parents are also career units, good-looking, I was very satisfied, let my daughter go on a blind date, she did not go, I gave a deadly order: “you do not go
I gave a firm order: “If you do not go, we will break off the relationship. “
This is the first time I said such harsh words. My daughter has been obedient to me since childhood, never so disobedient, I did not expect to become so in this matter, a time I was very cold.
My daughter looked at me and said word for word: “Mom, your old ideas do not suit me, I just want to find a person I love to live, you have to be so difficult for me? “
I couldn’t breathe, my stomach hurt, and I sat down slowly holding the sofa. The next day, I was admitted to the hospital, acute gastritis, looking for someone who did not mention again.
After that, I obviously feel and my daughter rusty, before something she was the first to say to me, since the boy came to the door, she did not talk to me properly for a long time, my heart was suddenly very empty.
My initial intention is naturally for the good of my daughter, but the initial intention is not the same as the result. I began to doubt myself, and even had a moment when I felt I had become a bad mother.
Until August 2015, my mother was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer and passed away suddenly a month later. It was a big blow to me, and I thought a lot about it those days.
If you continue to beat the lovebirds, let your daughter live a lifetime of unhappiness, then how can we talk about the good for her.
After the burial, I called my daughter and asked her if she had thought about it and if she really wanted to marry him.
My daughter’s answer was firm.
I told my daughter that I agreed and I would do the work on my husband’s side.
In August 2017, my daughter got married, and she smiled brightly that day. You can’t fake happiness, and until now, the boy has been very good to my daughter.
There are countless words I want to say, but I hold back
@tubeunling, Heilongjiang
One day in October 2015, my son limped home and said he had jumped down from the stairs.
He and his girlfriend quarrel, his girlfriend kept slapping his mouth, he could not stop, anxious, from the second floor of the stairwell window jumped down. I said, if you can’t talk about it, break up, are so extreme, really want to have an accident, how can parents live.
In fact, these words, I have long wanted to say to him. We are a working family, the girl’s mother is the director of the Office of Industry and Commerce, the father is a freight driver, have their own fleet. Whether social status or economic strength, the two families are too different.
I once talked to him about this problem, hoping that he find a girl in a relationship with a family, the family conditions are similar, the two people do not have too many conflicts because of the economy. However, he thought I was closed-minded, and every time he heard me and he talked about his feelings, he couldn’t wait to run away.
I took the opportunity of this quarrel to persuade him to break up, saying to him that the girl’s family conditions are too good, how can they consider marriage with you. Unexpectedly, my son was stimulated by my words and had a big fight with me. From then on, I never interfered with my son’s feelings, and my impression of the girl was hardly good.
Until the New Year, my son suddenly told me that he was going to bring his girlfriend to the house for dinner.
I had an opinion about the girl, but still said welcome. It was the second day of the New Year, and my mother and a few siblings happened to come to my house to visit.
At the dinner table, the girl told my son which dish she wanted to eat, so he could put it in his bowl. Later, my son and my uncle drank a few beers and forgot to take care of the girl, who instantly pulled a face and sat there aggressively, not eating or talking.
I was afraid that the girl would lose her temper with her son afterwards, so I hurriedly got off the table and wrapped a red envelope of 1,000 yuan and put it in her hand, telling her not to be insulted and to treat this place as her home.
The girl smiled and agreed, did not accept the red packet, walked off the table and went back to her son’s bedroom to play with her cell phone, and a short while later, she came out of the bedroom and said that her mother had called her and asked her to come home.
When my son heard that she was coming home, he hurriedly put down his dishes, put on his clothes and followed him out until the evening. Looking at my son’s red eyes, I knew that there must have been another fight.
Young people’s feelings are always accompanied by extreme passion and destruction. They are more likely to get involved in a relationship than our generation, but it’s hard to take care of it and keep it together.
Although there are countless words I want to say to my son, I still hold back, afraid that any words will irritate him, help and do something rash. The heart of a million anxious, but also can only choose to trust my son.
After the New Year, my son found a new job and went to Harbin to develop. Until July, I found that all the dynamics of his circle of friends deleted, asked him what happened, told me to break up.
Hang up the phone, I immediately bought a ticket straight to Harbin, to his rented house, once inside the house smelled a smell of alcohol, dozens of beer bottles piled up in the corner.
My son told me that the girl went to Beijing to study dance and met a boy who studied dance, and the two got together.
To be honest, I wasn’t surprised. There are a thousand words in my chest, looking at the depressed son, a moment are gone.
I know this time must not accuse him, say that “I told you so” piece of soup words, not to mention the girl half bad words.
Finally, I just advised him to think about it, not because of the loss of love will be depressed, not because she hurt their bodies, not worth it.
Subsequently nearly six months, my son sent a variety of negative friends every day. I was afraid that he would do something stupid, reassured, an average of three phone calls a day to him. I don’t actively ask him about his mood, but just have a casual conversation, through the tone and voice to guess.
It was not until a year later that my son came out of that relationship. By chance, he told me that before arriving in Harbin, the girl’s mother invited him for a meal.
At the dinner table, the girl’s mother told him that the girl graduated from high school and did not go to school, has been home to stay, even if she has been staying, stay until 30, 40 years old, the family can afford to support her, if with my son, after the age of 40 can only go to the mall to do a sweeping lady.
I felt a sharp pain in my heart, I don’t understand how a parent can say such cruel words. She was looking down on my son, or more so on her own daughter.
The only way for children to fly out is to break their parents’ cocoons
@JiangXueCheng, Shanxi
My son-in-law was slapped out by my lover when he visited our home for the first time.
There were not only me and my daughter, but also a group of relatives. I knew she had a temper, but I didn’t think she would have a fit in front of so many people.
My lover and I are both middle school teachers. We were transferred out of our posts, demoted and lowered in salary because of overpopulation. My beloved suffered a psychological trauma and had persecution fantasies, clashed with colleagues and saw blood on the knife, then the unit was forced to retreat, thinking all day long, often at dawn, cursing around the family building.
After nearly two decades of stumbling, seeing that his daughter has come to the age of marriage, his lover seems to want to make up for his career regrets by choosing a son-in-law, and is determined to find his daughter a boyfriend who is a teacher.
When my daughter was studying, her family’s economic conditions were not good, so she did not go to college and went to a health school, and after graduation, she was admitted to the downtown hospital as a nurse.
In the small town in the north, the idea of officialdom is serious, and the career is equivalent to a Gold dowry. The lover’s son-in-law selection criteria is only one: regardless of how much money is earned whose son, as long as it is a teacher, things are half done.
One day, my daughter came home and secretly said to me: “Dad, I found a boyfriend, people are very good, want to bring home to you to see. “
Asked the work, I knew it would not work, but my daughter’s softly, behind the back of my lover, met the boy several times. The person is really good, good to my daughter, but also a child who is responsible. In this way, my daughter and the boy in love for a year, ready to get married. This can be anxious I, although I do not have to pass this level, the lover of that level is comparable to the Western Paradise to get
The scriptures.
While my lover is not at home, my daughter and I have been conspiring how to do this, the father and daughter eyes hurt their brains, and finally came up with a solution.
The first month of the sixteenth day, to my mother’s birthday as an excuse to invite some relatives who know how to read people’s minds, to wait until the atmosphere is just right, the boy will be introduced to my lover unobtrusively. As long as she didn’t have a fit on the spot, the rest was easy to do.
On that day, the table was full of people, the boy mixed in a group of younger relatives without any sense of incongruity, I saw the opportunity to lead the boy to the mother and lover, said: “This is Xixi’s boyfriend, today specially come to pay respect to the grandmother birthday. “
The love of the boy looked up and down, the first thing she said was.
“What do you do for a living? “
Not get the expected answer, the lover turned his face, no longer pay attention to the young man, the young man could not help but take the lead to open up: “Auntie, I really like Xixi, we are ready to get married. “
The love of a slap up, the boy’s face fiercely red piece.
I immediately hot face, as if also received a slap.
Just like that, the birthday party turned into a farce.
Back home, the lover criticized his daughter: “You are deceived by him, a coal mine worker can be how good, regardless of how much money he earns, can be more respected than the teacher? “
However, my daughter was determined to get married. In this matter, parents never seem to be able to argue with their children. All the discipline on their lives, rather like a hard cocoon, only to break this cocoon, children can become butterflies, really fly out.
In 2014, hidden from my lover, my daughter’s wedding was held, and the family and friends who were there said auspicious words, but I was the only one who was preoccupied. When returning to the door, my daughter and son-in-law knelt in front of my lover, asking her to forgive the two for their preemptive strike. The lover didn’t say a word, turned back and closed the door to her room, and never came out.
I thought it was time to let go of my obsession, but I didn’t expect her to find out the address of my son-in-law’s parents’ home and bring a knife to the door, making sure the couple divorced immediately. The in-laws called the police, and the lover was taken to the police station and ordered to write a letter of guarantee.
The only relief is that the in-laws did not make things difficult for my daughter because of this.
After this incident, the love that was not there was not built up. My daughter has been married for six years, but her lover still thinks that her son-in-law is a fraudulent marriage, and never allows him to step into the house, not even the three-year-old grandson.
I have tried countless times to mediate between them, but to no avail. On one side was the love of my life, and on the other side was my daughter’s family, and it was as if I was being squeezed between them.
Occasionally, people try to persuade me to separate from my lover. I am old, but not confused, and not a soft-hearted person. I will not abandon my lover even if she has a bad temper, from this point of view, my daughter and I are quite similar.
When I miss my grandson, I can only run to my daughter’s house alone with my old arms and legs. Perhaps when she is older, she will be able to look away. Until then, I can only endure and wait for that day to come.
Young people have to make their own way.
@Morningstar, Beijing
I would never interfere with my son’s relationship issues. Young people have their own ideas, times are changing, and our older generation’s experience may not be applicable sometimes. Ask me, of course I can advise him, but I am determined not to play the role of a judge.
I remember the first time my son brought his girlfriend home, in 2013, when he was still in his senior year of college. The girl was three years older than her and already working. It was not a rush to get married, but to know that he made friends and meet a girl who could come home anytime in the future.
My husband and I prepared a table of food, dinner, my husband asked the girl’s family situation, I kicked him under the table. Almost, don’t make it look like a household survey.
The girl’s family and my family is similar, are Beijing people, parents factory, ordinary family, who did not betray the working class. The girl looks like a head, temperament and nature is also quite good. The meal went smoothly.
I noticed that the girl was wearing a string of necklaces around her neck, the kind of literary beads. That night, my son sent the girl home. I rummaged through the cupboard and found a string of ivory necklace. It was in my early twenties, my parents bought it for me in Wangfujing, a few dozen dollars at the time, but now it’s probably worth several thousand tens of thousands. When my son came back, I told him.
If you think about it, you can give this to someone else.
Next, it’s time for my son to go through the girl’s parents that off.
Unexpectedly, after two weeks, the girl’s father suddenly passed away.
I heard from my son that the girl’s father had a heart problem, and the day before he died, he was able to carry his bicycle up to the sixth floor, and then suddenly he was gone. When my father was like this, he did not lay a non-slip mat in the shower, fell down and was taken to the hospital too late.
After the white ceremony, my son planned to go to the girl’s house. But he didn’t know if he should bring anything, he didn’t feel it was appropriate to go empty-handed, but what to bring was a problem. I gave him the idea to ask the girl what kind of incense is burned at home and buy a few boxes to bring over.
I thought it was just a pillar of incense, but I didn’t expect him to come home in the evening, with a sad face. I knew something was wrong when I saw it. It turns out that the family met with a sudden change, the girl’s mother hit a lot.
Originally, she did not have strict requirements for her daughter to find the kind of object, her daughter likes it; now, she asked her daughter to find a house with a car. My son is still in college, so he obviously doesn’t fit the bill.
I tried to understand the girl’s mother, but to be honest, it was hard to fully empathize. Because my girlfriends’ kids are all boys. There are so many differences between male and female parents when it comes to their children’s feelings.
But one thing was clear to me, as long as the girl looked at my son, all this was not a problem.
After two weeks, I asked my son to invite the girl to come home again, asked the girl’s favorite dishes, and made a table full of them. Repeatedly reminded my husband to talk less and not to mention the girl’s father.
At the dinner table, I did not talk to the girl about anything serious, as if nothing had happened, the conversation was light and interesting, gossip topics. Until I saw the opportunity, I pretended to teach my son: “You have to take care of the good family, careful, do not be like a little kid, the two together through the difficult times. “
Honestly, I’m not sure that’s the right thing to say. If it is the same generation, should be able to understand what I mean. But we have a generation gap with young people after all, different ways of communication.
The girl’s side, I can only say so much, the son’s side, I do not want to break it up and rub it together. The actual fact that I can do the assistance is only these, action and decision, but also he has to come himself. The essence behind the mommy and daddy is the queen bee family – the strong mother decides everything, and I don’t want to become that.
The young people’s road, they have to go their own way, parents can occasionally push a hand, and ultimately, can only be in the background to watch from afar.
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