(Old work republished)
“I want to buy a box of condoms.”
“How many children in the family?”
“Three.”
“Are they all still in school?”
“The youngest is in kindergarten, private, the director is not named Zhao.”
“So you give your children to drink domestic milk?”
“My woman has enough milk ……”
“Oh. How many suites?”
“One set.”
“How many years have you been paying off the loan?”
“Ten years.”
“It’s not collapsing?”
“It’s livable, but there are some leaks.”
“Work unit?”
“I don’t have a job, I’m a self-employed person.”
“That’s not good. What do you do?”
“I write for …….”
“Tsk. Writing? How old did you start writing?”
“Seventeen.”
“You guys who write look young, you’re fifty this year, right?”
“Forty-two.”
“Bring me your tax certificates for the past twenty-five years. According to the new rules this year, 60% of the personal income tax is paid for such work as writing without cost. If you didn’t pay enough before, you must pay it all.”
“I brought it all. I know the rules, write 10,000 words a day, six thousand income to the state.”
“Have you paid all the social security pensions, death and cremation pledges?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have an A-share account?”
“Yes.”
“Is it a full position?”
“Yes, you see, this is my account.”
“The phone is not domestic.”
“This is not, I also have two domestic, are China’s own research and development of the chip.”
“Do you still have foreign currency at home?”
“I dare not have, the previous ones are handed over to the state.”
“The country has responded to the call?”
“Yes, I have ordered a copy of the Global Times. I support mass innovation and entrepreneurship, I support the Millennium Plan, I resolutely boycott, and I praise for free. You see my circle of friends today are posted with all the evil American Empire to the end.”
“Come, look at the camera and repeat my words: I will never let the small family give trouble to the country.”
“I will never let the small family give trouble to the country.”
“You such belong to no work unit of the three no one, according to the rules can only buy a small box of three Jie Tu Bang condoms a box, now the restriction is quite serious, if not to see you cooperate well, also sell you a. Come on, sign.”
“What brand did you just say?”
“Jie Tu Bang, our new condom developed independently in China, red packaging, red rubber, is a bit off color. But the thickness can make up for the congenital deficiency of Chinese men, one set tops ten sets.”
“Line …… line it. Then I thank you.”
“You’re welcome, serving the people is our duty. Can I ask, by the way, what prompted you to exclude all difficulties and have to live this non-essential life that is not conducive to stability and unity?”
“Because, I want to, fuck you!”
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