preface
In the 16 years I have lived in Beijing since I came to the city in university, I have met all kinds of people, but the people that have touched me the most are all kinds of women. Perhaps because I am a woman, I feel more empathy and understanding towards other people of the same sex. Seeing or hearing their stories always makes me feel cut to the skin. They are my mirrors, and I long to write them down. Writing about them is also a process of self-exploration, so to speak. In our time, women still face many pitfalls, both explicit and implicit, as well as the pain of gender. The city fuels their ambitions and changes their relationship with themselves. They carry their desires, pay the price, hover between reality and fantasy, and suffer repeated failures and embarrassments. I believe, however, that this kind of living beauty is worth recording more than the traditional definition of a good woman. None of these stories are surreal, and they can happen to every woman around us. And yet, as I opened the folds of life, and penetrated into the hearts of fanciful, vain, ambitious, blind, and eccentric women, I could not help feeling that each of them was so wonderful, so different.
1
One day two years ago, junior high school classmate yunqing suddenly send WeChat messages asked me: “do you still remember our class xu na at that time? She said she had something she wanted to ask you for, so could she add a WeChat?”
I have known Yunqing for 20 years. After I was admitted to the university, I left my hometown, a small town full of rain. Except for Yunqing, I had nothing to do with my classmates in junior high school.
At that time, I was a clerk in a large state-owned enterprise. Graduate job, home of relatives and friends all thought I this is firmly established “” in the national capital, seek medical advice can be solved a phone call to see the doctor, unpaid wages, take an examination of university, looking for a job, and so on all sorts of problems, from time to time contact me, obliquely for my” help “- but without exception, I disappoint them. So gradually, there is no one to contact me.
I estimate xu Na is also for this, then ask yun Qing: “many years do not contact, do you know is what matter?”
“She didn’t say it was secretive. She just said it was urgent and important.”
Pretty soon, “new friends” ID “nana” was a shower before and after the high heels, surrounded by the Emoji, kiss the notes, just like the princess girl, bling, crowding round, behind also follow “smecta” three words.
Looking at this string of flamingo name, My head is a little big.
“Good morning, old fellow! Not seen for years!” Xu Na came straight to the point, but there is no sense of alienation seen for many years, “today to find you, is to ask if you know the leadership of Tianjin, there is now a building can be far below the market price to rent, but the relationship to get. I know a big brother who is going to take this building to expand the business. Do you have any way to contact the leader of tianjin Municipal Party Committee?”
This alarmed me, and I told her that there was not much the next clerk could do for her.
Xu Na as if not aware of my refusal, said: “If the profit at least more than 10 million, then we will give you 10% commission.”
I was immediately ashamed of — in those years the academic performance is much worse than me of the students are doing ten million yuan level of business, he spoke chi chi chi but can only maintain basic food and clothing — let alone find the municipal leadership to fix a building, I even deputy head of our decision can not affect.
In this way, the conversation with Xu Na soon ended.
I wanted to get a glimpse into the lives of the rich and opened Xu na’s circle of friends: on a polished poster, she was wearing a low-cut black fishtail dress with a smile on her lips, but her eyes were like sharp knives cutting through the screen and into the air in front of me. The poster says —
“The new generation of powerful singers, Shangguan Nana.”
2
In my adolescent memory, Xu Na was dark and fat, but her eyes were very bright, like a black pearl shining brightly in the water.
I clearly remember that one month after entering the junior high school, She ran for the class committee and signed up for the literature and Art Committee.
Before that election, the teacher in charge of the class originally appointed the temporary art committee is the students recognized as “class flower” CAI Xiao. CAI Xiao slender, white skin, speaking is also gentle and sweet appearance, Xu Na this registration, we are whispering behind the back: is not openly picked up? Why should she bite off more than she could chew to embarrass herself?
On election day, two girls gave a speech. CAI Xiao is a little shy, said, then cover his mouth and smile. CAI Xiao finished, it was Xu Na’s turn to take the stage, when she made a speech, her eyes were fixed, and even a little bit righteously.
To our surprise, after the speech, she suddenly stood on the platform again, raised her head and held her head high. Facing the shocked eyes of the audience, she sang The Sichuan opera “Sister Jiang”. Miss Guo was a college student of workers, peasants and soldiers. When she heard this, her face lit up. A song finished, everyone has followed Guo teacher applause, Xu Na will naturally complete the “reversal”.
Later, Xu Na raised her head proudly and said to us: “My father is the head of the county troupe. He taught me to sing Sichuan opera and play erhu since I was a child!” Though they found her triumphant expression a little disagreeable, they could not say that she was superior.
Junior high school is the age that affection arouses originally, very quickly, whole class classmate knew: Xu Na likes to learn commissoner Dai Fangwei.
Dai Fangwei is tall, thick black eyebrows, the bridge of the nose is high, English is particularly good, spoken English and teaching tapes as the foreigners with a round, thick and idiomatic. The English teacher was partial to him and gave him a natural English name, “David”, as if he had been born to learn English.
Xu Na always ran to Dai Fangwei’s seat after class, especially seriously, with crooked eyes looking at him: “English is so difficult, how did you learn, learn so well? Can’t you teach us?”
“It’s nothing,” Dai said sheepishly.
A few boys at the side of the heckle, sissy Li Junshan pinched blue flower to laugh at him: “don’t pretend to be serious vigo, somebody else what mean you don’t know wordy?”
Dai Fangwei’s face was red and white and he just got up and pretended to go to the toilet.
Xu Na is not shy, chasing Li Junshan dozen: “let you a dead man talk nonsense.” As I run, I smile with the corners of my mouth closed.
A school held a class meeting competition. Miss Guo told us that we must take out a wonderful program to win the first place.
Xu Na asked me, said to play a sketch, I play a mother who put up with all the hardships to raise her daughter, she came to play rebellious adolescent girl — this is a daughter initially hate mother preaching, after some twists and turns, finally moved by the mother’s love story.
This sketch is the main show of the class meeting, to teach the director led by the judge teacher, for the class honor staged. We all worked very hard and wrote a detailed script for the lines, actions and positions. After two weeks of repeated rehearsals, the students almost all had a conditioned response to the plot.
When it came to the end of the show, our performance was very smooth. Unexpectedly, Xu Na, who played opposite to me, burst into tears and knelt down with me in her arms. “Mom, I’m sorry, I’m too ignorant to blame you!”
I was dumbfounded – it wasn’t in the script! But she had to play to her heart’s content, and she had to force her head, frown, and draw out a few lines that sprang into her head.
The students in the audience also looked stunned, the director of instruction looked at our bitter performance, while wiping the tears of the eyes, while xu Na gave a thumbs-up. the sketch ended in the “climax”, Xu Na eyes with crystal tears, a proud smile, head turned to Dai Fang Wei there, but Dai Fang Wei did not see her.
After the event, Guo teacher praised Xu Na vigorously on the podium to play for the program add luster, to the class added light, but privately pulled us a few study good top students said: “This Xu Na ah, courage, not afraid of shame. But too pushy, too wild…”
At that time Dai Fangwei was standing by my side, he gently hissed, that breath floating in the air like gossamer, let me inexplicably feel a little sorry for Xu Na.
3
Since joining Her as a friend, Xu posts at least seven or eight moments a day, mostly selfies and a motivational chicken soup about how she achieved success.
In these photos, she sometimes has an awl face, white and delicate skin, red lips and large, innocent eyes that circle round for the camera, like a girl of 12 or 13 years old. If the photos are overedited, they even look like a cartoon doll coming out of the second dimensional space. Sometimes, she would post some of her own performance photos and makeup photos, as if she had grown 20 years old overnight, transformed into a charming and gorgeous powerful singer, with the aura of a star, living a white and rich and beautiful life.
Judging from the information in the photos, she should be living in the nanjing area and often goes to some singing competitions and reality shows that I have never heard of.
And her experience, is also Qingyun rely on qq space and classmates pieced together a word –
After graduating from junior high school, Xu Na was admitted to a local high school with a bad reputation. high school graduation eve, Xu Na’s father died, then Yun Qing just know: Xu Na’s father is only a troupe in the erhu, a lifetime income is meagre, not to mention get a job; Xu Na’s mother had half a life of rich too too dream, but still live in the end of the south street, the county gathered, can only put all the dream on her daughter.
Her mother stopped Her from going to school, saying it was too expensive. “Besides, what’s the use of reading so many books for girls? It’s better to be in society now.” Xu Na versatile, uncertain encounter what noble, can be a shot and red.
At that time, “Super Girl voice” was the most popular era, and Chengdu singing area was more eye-catching. Those girls, as if they were our classmates and neighbors yesterday, could stand on the unreachable stage today and make countless people applaud and cry.
A web celebrity singer living an illusion
Xu Na also want to set foot on this road, then ran to the bar in Chengdu to sing, sing three or four years, have not met the bo Le of the intelligent eye knows a horse. Every year, she auditions for “Super Girls” — and even bought train tickets to other singing areas for two years because she thought the competition in Chengdu was too fierce. Every time she auditioned, she was so confident that everyone would be shocked when she opened her mouth, but she never broke out of the audition.
Later, she was met a “noble eldest brother”, to invite her to go to nanjing, do the entertainment culture company sign “singer”, is actually “platter singer”, such as three or four line city real estate projects or commercial release activities, opening need please star to brush the heat absorption of eyes, but because they do not have enough money to find too many big stars, will need to pack some obscure singer star’s appearance to the platter.
Since then, Xu has become “Shangguan Nana”, and all previous content in QQ space has been deleted.
It was the era of “watching to change China”, and the big Vs swarmed on Weibo. According to Yunqing, xu was born in 1994 (eight years younger than her actual age), graduated from a 985 music academy in the east and has tens of thousands of fans.
After graduating from university, Yunqing went back to the county to work as a civil servant in a government office. She told me, “One year during the Spring Festival, Xu Na also came back and took the initiative to invite some of our old classmates who often played together to go back to see Miss Guo. I was very touched. I thought she had a lot of heart. Unexpectedly, as soon as we sat down, she began to talk about her acting experience, how many big stars she knew, how many fans she had, we were all embarrassed.
“Miss Guo said at parting that it is not easy for you good friends to still be together after all these years. She took the teacher by the hand, and suddenly the tears came out of her eyes. She cried and said, ‘I was the most innocent friend I ever made at school. ‘We all felt a little confused about her. Every sentence seemed to boast, and tears seemed to act, but when it came to the emotional place, it seemed to be a little true. In the end, we couldn’t tell which of her sentences was true and which was false.
“From Miss Guo’s home, I said to her without any polite, look at the information on your Internet, how you are becoming more and more fake now? ‘What do you know,’ she snapped back, ‘that’s the company’s way of packaging, how do you attract fans without that? ‘But she didn’t get angry with me. She would come back to me and send me snacks from Nanjing, probably knowing that our old classmates were different from the’ people ‘outside.”
Yunqing said, and sent me a photo of them at Miss Guo’s home. The picture of hsu na, a stout, buxom middle-aged woman with a street stall and a loud voice solicits customers, is a far cry from her WeChat image.
4
Because The frequency of Xu Na’s friend circle is too high, I have to block her friend circle.
Three months later, I suddenly received a mass message from Xuna: “You deserve perfect egg muscles! Make your ex regret it! Come to my friend circle to see, the new generation singer shangguan Nana take you beauty enough!” Followed by a long string of colorful expressions.
Once again point open xu na’s friends circle, originally she has turned to wechat business, sell their own facial mask: “the new generation singer shangguan nana recommended, the original price is 369 yuan a box, limited special price 99 yuan buy two get one free, using the latest Swiss research and development technology, giving the skin the energy of Alps snow mountain…”
Then there is the scene in which she signs a contract with a mask factory in Guangzhou. In a photo, Xu na is the queen of the office in an urban romance drama, looking at the words on the contract with an arrogant expression. A handsome male assistant stands beside her respectfully. In another, she stands among seven or eight uniformed male subordinates, surrounded by their adoring eyes.
It seems that her acting career has also got an important breakthrough — she finally stood on the stage of a talent show on China Central Television.
In the game, her challenge was “water clearance”. She accidentally fell into the water and couldn’t help Shouting “Wow!”, which made the audience laugh. During the talent show, she immediately put aside her embarrassment and sang a difficult love song. As the scales rose, the lights on the stage began to flicker feverishly and her eyes sparkled.
During that time, the marketing of facial mask advertisement in moments was full of photos of her with famous hosts of CCTV. Xu Na affectionately called them “Sister x” and “brother X”, and said excitedly: “You are all my teachers and benefactor, your care is my greatest motivation on the road of art, I will always bear in mind your love.
Xu na seems to have made a lot of money. “I want to live a high-end life and feel confident every day. Only women of ability can live in luxury houses and drive luxury cars.” The picture shows a selfie with the steering wheel in hand, and of course, the Mercedes logo in the middle of the wheel.
“Today, I was invited to haoge’s villa for a party. Not only is the house magnificent, but the furniture is imported from Europe, with a heated swimming pool… Your circle of contacts determines your horizon. What level of friends you have to be!”
Of course, there are also some regrets, such as never having a fixed boyfriend, but she also showed a very free and easy: “Let my pride be worthy of my single, excellent women will have the courage to say ‘no’ to men all their life!”
I couldn’t help but share my observations with Yunqing.
‘Listen to her talk! Yun Qing laughed aloud in her voice: “She has brought back three boyfriends, and they all say they want to marry her. They are full of happiness. What’s the result? There’s no shadow now! Xu Na never said that she met in the outside of the hard and sad, always only said that she was successful bright side. She made some money and bought a house for her mother in the county. Her mother finally moved out from The South Street and was full of pride. However, the villa in Nanjing — the villa where her friend had a party before — she deleted the circle of friends before and said that she bought the villa by herself. Do you believe? What she said is half true and half false, but don’t lay it on the line. She’s had a hard time, too, and ought to have suffered a lot…”
At last something important seemed to come to Yunqing’s mind and he said, “Do you still remember Dai Fangwei? Xu Na still likes him, and every time she comes back, she asks me to ask Dai Fangwei out for dinner and to sing.”
5
Last winter, Yunqing, Xu Na, CAI Xiao, Dai Fangwei and Li Junshan met for a trip to Hainan. Although all of us are over the hill, we all have one thing in common — none of us is “stable.”
Yunqing is not willing to be in the unit as a screw like step-by-step life, will often think about “what is the meaning of life in the end” such a problem, until now also did not marry. An old spinster in her 30s still pondering her life is enough to be a freak in the county town.
CAI Xiao, with money from her family, opened a clothing store in the county and fell in love with a local rich second generation, who never mentioned marriage. There are other girlfriends besides her. CAI Xiao decided to break and break, to enjoy the man’s tenderness and deception, day after day.
Li junshan, who came out as a teenager in college, has had one boyfriend after another, saying that what they have in common is “nothing good”.
Perhaps the most “normal” person is Dai Fangwei, who has achieved “gold” status as a teacher at an English training institute in the provincial capital. However, he only fell in love and never married, as if he were escaping from something, as if he were expecting something.
5 of them wandering in the street, like before in the classroom chasing play, you scold me a “melon baby”, I answer a “dementia”, for a while and arm in arm loudly singing, as if still wandering in yesterday’s youth dream.
Xu Na all the way is looking for a variety of opportunities to dai Fangwei leer, while implying that he is now very red, there are a lot of bosses chasing, while calling Dai Fangwei “male god”, when walking also deliberately next to him. Although Dai Fangwei did not respond directly, but also can not pull the face to refuse.
Yunqing joked with Dai privately, “Why don’t you think about it? The family has a villa in Nanjing and drives a Mercedes Benz, so she doesn’t have to talk about it every day!”
Dai Fangwei back a shrink: “younger sister, other don’t say, just see her that nose, at least say also whole three or four times, I looked at the back all send cold.”
Xu Na himself did not hesitate to say, that all the people in the circle are so, “plastic surgery is not shameful, no money people want to whole still not on it”, the real life is not quite natural also does not matter, as long as the United States beauty video and beautiful show in the world without a flaw can be.
“Sister Na, you are not deceiving the audience.” Li Junshan deliberately dared her.
“You sissy, what do you know about the world of stars?” Xu Na put her head up, the corners of her mouth rose to a sneer, “How many stars dare to say that they never photoshop, not fake? “Stars make dreams. You just leave the fantasy and the dream to the fans. What the fans need is not the reality of the stars, they just need their own imagination.”
On the last night of the trip, we were all tired and lying in the hotel chatting. In recent days, I had laughed a lot. At the moment, I had drunk a little wine. Some of my spirits were exhausted and I felt strangely sad.
CAI Xiao talked about her on-again, off-again relationship with her boyfriend over the years. She did not know what would happen in the future.
Xu Na seems to be infected, must Pierce that layer of window paper, a past embrace Dai Fangwei, shouted: “These years I to your feelings, do you know in the end? Tell me…”
Dai Fangwei looked at yun Qing some embarrassed, he does not want to hurt Xu Na’s self-esteem, also do not want to give her hope, Yun Qing understand, then the past pulled Xu Na: “don’t say, we all know…”
Xu na broke away from Yunqing’s tugings and showed a fierce expression on her face: “Wang Yunqing, just now You listened to CAI Xiao’s story. Why do you interfere when it comes to me? Do you have a problem with me? !” “I know you think I’m fake. You don’t like what I’m doing. It’s all about me, don’t I try, don’t I succeed…”
So make for a while, a few people drunk all doze off.
The next day early in the morning, Xu Na woke up again, as if last night’s things have not happened. She was still playing with her cell phone while everyone was packing up and checking out. Li Junshan to urge her, she impatiently wave a hand, showing an ambiguous expression: “I go back to set up a company immediately when the chairman of the board, hand things are too much, each one is in urgent need, you can’t wait a moment!”
6
After returning from Hainan, Xu caught the wave again and became the chairman of XX Culture media, with other titles including: “Signed Singer of CCTV”, “Production Director”, “Executive Director”, “Champion of the Avenue of Stars” and even the inexplicable “Dean of XX Business School”.
Her business began to shift to Douyin. First, the team shot a lot of short videos of shangguan Nana. In the video, “Shangguan Nana” owns a luxury villa, wears designer clothes, carries her handbag, smiles and smiles, and is grovelling for her.
Different from the traditional successful motivational chicken soup, nobility is elegant style, absolute power, she star aura and elite, set, let her chicken soup with poison tongue aphorism not polite, what “the poor poor is thinking, the rich richer is courage”, “I am rich I right, you poor you deserve it”, the audience or washed by her brain, either be amplified class anxiety provoked grumble.
With the help of PUBLIC relations push and buying fans, Shangguan Nana soon gained a large number of fans and regularly released videos of “fan meetings”. Fans held up posters and light sticks as they waited for the idol at the company’s chosen venue, with banners reading “We will always love Nana Goddess”. And she would shuffle forward to the cheers and wave gracefully to the fans like she was walking the Red carpet at Cannes.
In addition, the company also recruited a group of handsome men and pretty women who dreamed of becoming stars, and kept incubating new web celebrity douyin accounts. The ultimate purpose of attracting these traffic was “bringing goods” — the account cooperated with the supplier for short video promotion or live broadcast, and the account would receive commission from the profits.
Selling shoes, selling clothes, selling lipstick, selling perfume… “You have to invest oneself, let oneself have the rich thinking”, “to pay for the woman is the most stupid woman”, “the man refused to buy for you, even you could buy for yourself”, her time in the video, the queen is generally the lens in front of the fans to her idea of consumption, betting look in the eyes, make public the imposing manner, refuse, all revealed her confidence for this set of values: you only have to buy her things, to get to her success.
“This account has operated 25 videos and attracted 27,000 followers. Last night, there were nearly 10,000 live streaming transactions, with the unit price of 109 yuan/piece, which realized more than 1 million yuan!” From time to time, Xu would brag about her achievements in her circle of friends and post photos of her and some sister parties, claiming that she was a member of the “Ten-million-dollar Women’s Club.” All of the women in the photos had awl faces and large red lips, and their looks were almost indistinguishable.
Earlier this year, Xu announced that the company was going into public philanthropy when she met a new lady: Bai Meihe.
She began to post frequently in her circle of friends the actions of Ms. Bai, who had a bigger head: “Chairman of Myth Group,” “President of The Honor Society of Chinese Celebrities,” and “United Nations Goodwill Ambassador for Women in China around the world.” Mythos group just held the “mythos comes” fashion show and invited dozens of web celebritys to walk on the red carpet, aiming to “gather the spirit of unremitting self-improvement of women and promote the rise of women power in China”.
In the future, the Group will also set up the “Mythical Woman Power Award” to award certificates, trophies and prizes to female role models around the world to “create Nobel Prize-level influence”.
Xu’s social circle seems to have taken it to another level, as she started Posting invitations for the “Women’s Success Forum” and “Milan Fashion Week”.
“What on earth is this mythical group doing? Can’t be a fraud?” In private, Yunqing is a little worried about Xu Na, but she can’t help teasing, “Now she’s an international socialite, I don’t care for her!”
7
During the Mid-Autumn Festival, I went back to my hometown just in time for yunqing Zhang Luo Reunion.
Many students nearly 20 years have not seen, it seems only yesterday, everyone’s face seems to emerge when the expression of adolescence, and in the years of change quietly added a little sophistication and maturity.
Xu Na came also, dressed in a black lace hubble-bubble sleeve dress, on the 7 cm high heels, people haven’t appear, laughter so I float up: “old early want to open a homecoming, is too busy to hand tube dozens of people, the company wants to can go back home, ok the Mid-Autumn festival, my mother said she would return home…”
Li Junshan muttered a: “this is when the star, voice or so big, with the South street those stalls selling clothes like.”
Although I had seen the photos yunqing had sent to me, I was still a little surprised: Could this tired, plump Xu really be the same person as Shangguan Nana?
Xu Na sat down and shouted “not lively”, to warm the field to create atmosphere, said in the group of students even sent 3 red envelopes, each is full of 200 yuan: “a little thought, old classmates, as a greeting gift. “Thank you boss” was painted on the faces of those who received the red envelope, while others said, half in earnest and half in jest: “Sister Na, I didn’t see you were the star of our class at that time. You lost respect.” Xu Na seemed satisfied and began to laugh.
A few classmates smile happily ground to come forward to ask: “na elder sister now where development?”
“Hey, just be your own boss. I’m tired to death every day,” she said with a look of superiority.
In the middle of the meal, someone suddenly held up Dai Fangwei’s mobile phone with malicious intention: “Everyone come and see Teacher Dai’s girlfriend, Miss Dai is going to get married on National Day!”
See Dai Fang Wei is not angry, everybody sees a side to comment: “ok, so pure! You have a way with me!”
Dai just kept his head down and smiled until someone said meaningfully: “It is a bit like CAI Xiao at that time.” CAI Xiao busy prevaricate in the past: “you see fancy, don’t talk nonsense.”
Xu na’s face sank. The muscles of her face twitched stiffly. The sounds of laughter, walking, cups and chairs and tables were surging around us. For a moment, I felt the air above Xu Na’s head was still, as if she were in the silence of the eye of a typhoon.
All of a sudden, she stood up and shouted with pride: “Come and have a toast! There’s nothing left in the glass!” That tone seems to bet on their own all bets, everyone has stood up, Yunqing raised her phone and walked to the table: “Come on, look at my side, eggplant –“
Xu Na shouted anxiously, “Wait a minute! Are you looking good?”
Yunqing repeatedly said: “Opened opened.”
Xu na then skillfully raised the glass to her chest, gently stroked her chin with one hand, and put on a professional smile.
When I got home that day, I searched the name “Shangguan Nana” on a whim and found a music library for her on a music platform.
I click on one of her “original songs”, which is a bitter love song, “It is my life forever beautiful dream/because of you the world has become different”, the voice is calm and powerful, is after the world after the deep and atmospheric.
For the first time in so many years, I had a new respect for Xu Na.
She was right, for all her outward politeness, but no matter how much money she made, at least I never really admitted in my heart that what she did “made sense” — except now.
Because in the melody of the aria, I could clearly see that the column of lyrics was written: Shangguan Nana &David.
(All the names in this article are pseudonyms and the lyrics have been modified)
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