I first met Li Xin in January 2007, at a start-of-term meeting for the accounting major at George Brown College. Tall, thin, fair-skinned, she stood out in the crowd for her cool, unworldly manner.
When I approached her, I learned that she was in my class, living a little far away, and was moving into the apartment building that my husband and I were renting for the convenience of our studies.
We soon became very good friends, and I also witnessed a tortuous journey of her life.
1
In the deep winter of 2007, Li Xin decided to go home early this weekend to give her husband a surprise.
As soon as class was over on Thursday afternoon, she hurried back to her rented single room, packed her carefully selected birthday presents in her backpack and walked through the snow to the subway station.
In Canada, life is too hard if you don’t drive. Both her home and her school are in the Greater Toronto area, but because they don’t belong to the same small urban area, they don’t allow traffic between them. Li had to take the subway to the finish line, transfer to a bus to the Toronto frontier, then transfer to a bus in her family’s downtown area, and then ride to the finish line to get home.
Instead of a 40-minute drive at high speed, it would take two to three hours.
But if he had picked her up, he would have guessed what She was up to – the romance and surprise were worth the pain – and she said her husband had been having a hard time of it.
Li Xin and Gao Yong have known each other for more than 10 years. In those days, two people from all over the world were admitted to the same class in the same university in Beijing. What’s more, their dormitory was still a “fellowship dormitory”. In fact, during the whole university, Li Xin to Gao Yong also did not have any special feeling, and so on the examination results came down to know, the whole class only they continue to study in this school graduate.
At the graduation party, the head of Gao Yong’s dormitory drank two more bottles of beer, pulled Li Xin to Gao Yong’s side, stared at them with red eyes and said, “You two, look, talent and personality are very compatible. We are going to each other, I trust you to continue the friendship, and married children, the friendship between our two dormitories to continue!”
Li Xin glanced at her husband and turned away, but gao Yong said, “Don’t worry, you must be sure!”
Li Xin thought that this was a joke after drinking, but she never thought that at the beginning of graduate school, Gao Yong really regarded himself as her boyfriend — waiting for her downstairs to go to the lab together, waiting for her to have dinner together after class, reviewing lessons to help her take the place, etc., but Li Xin did not refuse. The two fell in love sweetly without formal declarations of love.
After another three years, Li Xin and Gao Yong graduated from the graduate school in 2000, and they have been recognized as the model couple of the graduate school: serious in love, hard working and talented in scientific research. As soon as the tutors move on, both stay on to teach.
2
Marriage is a natural thing.
The wedding guests were mostly classmates and friends of the couple for many years, so they just let the bride and groom skip the introductions, speeches and the like, and wish them a “baby boy early” — a kind of rush banquet.
After the wedding, Li xin complained to Gao yongda: “The emperor is not in such a hurry!”
Unexpectedly gao Yong said: “The emperor is also anxious! My life dream is the white picket fence.”
Li Xin smiled shyly.
In fact, Li Xin also wants to have a baby soon. After all, when she was a graduate student, her parents would urge her every time they called: “Your brother’s son can crawl, get married and have a baby after graduation… We’re young enough to take care of your children.”
Li xin’s younger brother was born beyond birth, and it was because of him that both li Xin’s parents were demoted from public school teachers to private teachers. But they never regretted, how to see brother how pleasing. Li Xin did not worry about food and clothing since she was a child, but she felt that everything was inferior to her younger brother. Now, even her grandson is dedicated to his parents first. The more Li Xin told herself that she didn’t care, the more bitter she felt.
Not to mention my mother-in-law and father-in-law. When they come to attend the wedding, they will bring their grandchildren’s quilts and coats.
However, fate seemed to think that everything was going too well for Li Xin and his wife, and decided to play a joke on them.
More than a year after the wedding, Li Xin has not been pregnant. During this period, two people attended a lot of other people’s baby full moon banquet and 100 days banquet, every time come back the heart is sour. At first they could joke about it, but slowly it seemed to become a taboo subject between them. Even parents on both sides of the phone, as soon as the matter mentioned, the two immediately become irritated: “You just leave it alone, ok?”
On their second wedding anniversary, Li finally broke down and said, “Let’s go and have a check.”
Finally, after a series of embarrassing questions and examinations, Li xin became even more stressed — western doctors said her uterus was in the back, Chinese doctors said she had a cold constitution, and in any case, it was difficult to conceive.
In fact, this is far from infertility, the doctor’s real professional conclusion is that they are normal, the reason is too anxious – anxious will make the body hormone unstable, more likely to deepen the difficulty of pregnancy – “only 28 years old, hurry what. Both Western medicine and Chinese medicine say the same.
Gao Yong listened to the doctor’s advice and often advised Li Xin: “You see, our work is just writing papers in the laboratory and lecturing to students. Although we can’t make a lot of money, we should be relaxed and stable and lead a well-off life, right? You don’t have to spend your days trying to come up with scientific results. We don’t need to worry about the baby. You just need to stabilize the hormones!”
But the words of comfort to Li Xin ears, or the birth of the drum. She knew that Gao Yong was a traditional man and that it meant a lot to him to carry on the family line.
Li Xin began to think of a variety of ways to toss about, drink Chinese medicine, eat folk prescription, practice to help pregnant yoga. Gao Yong advised her several times to let her relax, but Li Xin was already in the corner.
Two years passed, and the couple could not bear it any more.
One day in 2004, Li Xin suddenly said to Gao Yong, “Let’s go abroad. You see the house in Beijing is so expensive, we may not be able to afford it in our whole life, it’s better to go out and have a look. Professor Tang’s daughter has emigrated to Canada in our yard. I have inquired. It is not difficult.”
Gao Yong was surprised. “I don’t know anything about Canada. What can We do there? I can’t speak English well! I know you’re upset about the baby, and I don’t care what anybody says! ‘
Li Xin wanted to have a try, but after hearing Gao Yong’s words, she decided to leave. So, the next day, she went to the embassy and took a lot of forms to fill in.
Oddly enough, the couple seem to have been doing everything except having a baby, and the immigration application was approved in just over two years.
Although Gao Yong is reluctant to work, parents and friends, but looking at the front of the landing paper, more or less also a little moved. Call to discuss with parents, Gao Yong’s mother a listen to cry: “we only you a child, you have the heart?” Consult with your mentor, who tells him not to be silly: “Canada is a village! How many senior people are wasting their time there. What are you doing?”
Gao Yong refuses to go, two people fight to fight like seesaw every day. Li Xin knew that going on like this, the argument to the landing paper expired will not have a result, so simply do not care about her husband, began to exchange Canadian currency, packing. Once in a while, he pulled Gao Yong’s arm and said, “I haven’t been abroad since I was so big. Let’s go and play. Come back again.”
Gao Yong li Xin is iron heart to go, also do not have the heart to let her a person go, had to decide to take a risk.
3
In the summer of 2006, Gao yong and Li Xin quit their jobs and moved to Canada with all their belongings.
Husband and wife two with another pair of young couple shared the ground floor of a separate house, the landlord built a wall in the middle of the rent, just put the ground floor into two independent one room one hall, door access, who will not disturb who. Li Xin’s house came and went through the back door, and as soon as she went out, she could see the cherry trees and small garden in the back yard. It was very beautiful. Gao yong’s favorite is the large oven under the stove plate, whether it is chicken leg or ribs, with potatoes, spices and stuffing, out comes a large plate of decent hard dishes.
At night, the two often sit side by side in the backyard watching the stars, it is really very beautiful. But they had very little in savings, and even less in Canadian dollars, and when they settled down, the question of their livelihood was immediately before them.
Li xin thinks she should apply for a vocational college as soon as possible. Student loans are enough to make her life more comfortable. After two years of study, she can find a professional job after graduation. But Gao Yong doesn’t want to go to school any more. He’d rather find a job.
So the two of them went their separate ways while taking a free English class.
Gao soon found a job making mattresses at a factory very close to their rented home, and the two celebrated that day with a big, excited meal. But after only one day on the job, Gao Yong knew he was too happy too early — the work was so exhausting that at the end of the day his eyes were shining — but he could only hold out for a while to make money.
When Li Xin saw that her husband was often so tired that he would fall asleep after supper, she felt distressed because she could not even speak. But also can only hope to wait for their own professional work, do not let Gao Yong again this coolie.
At the end of the year, Li Xin’s admission notice finally arrived. In order to find a job, she chose an accountant who could not be found in her major in China. Besides, the school will open in January next year, so she doesn’t have to waste any more time. The school was in downtown Toronto, so it was impractical to move, because Gao yong worked near his home and he was tired enough. Two female classmates were looking for someone to share an apartment, so Li decided to share the apartment near her school from Monday to Friday. Gao yong picked her up after work on Friday and drove her home for the weekend.
Although the rent was only 400 yuan a month, But the money was also earned by the coolies of gao Yong, a weak scholar, Li Xin still felt guilty.
That day, after two and a half hours in the snow, Li Xin finally got home. Before entering, she took out a paper towel from her bag, wiped the snow from her face, and applied some lipstick before taking out the key and opening the door.
The moment she opened the door, Li Xin suddenly heard that peculiar gasp. Watching porn? Li Xin thought and smiled helplessly. By the time she reached her bedroom door, Li was stunned — not a porn film, but a reality show.
Gao Yong is in bed with a strange woman, getting dressed in a hurry.
Li Xin flashed in her mind the news that the original wife had beaten her mistress violently, but after so many years of education, she could not even say a swear word. She only cursed gao Yong with a trembling voice, “shameless”, and sat down at the table to cry. She hated herself for being so stupid. Before that, she even felt that even if she had cheated on her, Gao Yong would not find out that he was so dull…
Soon, Gao Yong pulled the woman to sit opposite Li Xin.
“Talk about it.” Gao yong says, as if Li Xin were the one who did the wrong thing. “This is Grace, a colleague of mine in the workshop. She helped me a lot when I first started working… In fact, I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. Let’s get a divorce.”
Li Xin couldn’t believe her ears. “How long have you known her? After more than ten years of love between us, can we say goodbye?”
Gao Yong has no expression on his face. “This has nothing to do with Grace. Li Xin, we shouldn’t have come to Canada. I don’t care if you can have a baby back home. I have a job, don’t I? But you are too selfish, because you don’t want to listen to other people’s gossip, everything in the country is thrown away. My parents have trained me for more than 20 years, and now Not only can I not give them a grandson, but their only wish has been shattered! A graduate student of mine moves a bed mat in the workshop every day!”
“Did I make you? When was the last time I made a decision that I hadn’t discussed with you and you agreed to it?”
Gao Yong raised his voice. “You’re right. Before, I always thought about you first and made all the decisions in your favor. Today, I will make a decision for myself. I want a divorce!”
Li Xin looked at the disgusted and determined expression on Gao Yong’s face, as if she saw her heart slowly freeze, crack, and then crack. What else could she say?
“All right, I agree.” Li Xin said this and got up to pack her things.
‘Where can she go at this hour of night? My home is near. You can take me home.” Li heard the woman say to Gao yong, who then shouted to himself: “You stay here tonight and clean up. I’ll pick you up in the morning, to the courthouse.”
Then they turned and walked away.
It all happened so fast.
Li Xin stayed up all night and couldn’t figure out why she was so stupid. This year, Gao Yong even words are not willing to say to her, how she can not feel out of the ordinary.
The next day early in the morning, Gao Yong came back, looking for a certificate, with Li Xin together to the city center.
In the car, Gao yong said, “We’re divorced, and I’m not going to marry Grace. I’m going back to China. My supervisor wrote me that he was working on a new project and needed someone, so He asked me to go back. We haven’t spent much of the money we’ve brought from home, and there’s a lot left over for you to pay your rent for the year. ‘
“Well.” Li Xin did not dare to say another word for fear that she would cry again.
Gao Yong continued, “You know, divorcing you in Canada was the last thing I did for you. With this divorce certificate, you can remarry. Then can you help me once, too? You can write a letter of authorization, entrusting your brother to represent you and divorce me in China again. With that certificate, I can remarry.”
“You’ve studied all these ridiculous details. You’ve been thinking about divorce for a long time,” Li said. Then why didn’t you tell me? Are you afraid I won’t let you go?”
“The teacher just replied to me, didn’t he? Besides, I didn’t think I’d be able to tell you this so calmly. After all, I loved you so much during those years at school.”
They were both silent.
4
After the divorce, Li Xin went back to her small room and lay there for a whole day. Finally, she realized that she had always felt that she did not deserve high and brave. She disheveled hair to the kitchen under the instant noodles. Her two roommates teased her, saying, “You feel hungry? It’s nice of you to make such a noise over a birthday!”
“No arguments, we’re divorced…”
The roommate looked shocked and listened to the story. He shouted angrily, “Cheat men who play with women’s feelings! Marry inside derailment return not calculate, after finding retreat way, abandon wife and small 3 all dumped! Don’t take advantage of him. Ask him for alimony! ‘
Li didn’t expect outsiders to see Gao that way, so she smiled wryly and said, “I don’t want to embarrass him.”
Gao Yong quickly returned to China, and the incident passed.
Am I wrong about emigrating and having children?
A year later, Li graduated with an “A” in every subject, and went straight to the internship company, renting the basement of A separate room near the company. Everything went smoothly as usual.
But at the thought of being thirty-five, she could not help worrying — a man might not, but she wanted to have a child — and it was not easy for her to conceive, and it was even more difficult when she got older.
“Xin! We are pleased! Lee! Lee!” One morning, as Li Xin was making her way to the bus stop, a car suddenly stopped by the side of the road. It was Li Xin’s new landlord.
The landlord explained to Li Xin that he saw Li Xin at noon yesterday taking a lunch break to buy food, only to find out that they were working in the same building, and he wanted to drop li Xin off on the way. Li Xin declined for a few words, but the cold weather and the high heels were so annoying that she got into the car after thinking about it.
The landlord is a middle-aged, green-eyed man named Steven, 45 years old, from England. He has three children, the youngest of whom are 11 years old. He divorced his wife 5 years ago, and his children lived with his wife. He had to pay his ex-wife and three children 1,000 Canadian dollars each for support and maintenance. So, although he is a small leader in the bank, the salary is not low, but in addition to this house, penniless. Steven’s jaw dropped when he heard that Li Xin had not asked for alimony from her husband after the divorce.
Since then, the landlord has taken Li to work with him every morning. Li Xin wanted to pay him, but he didn’t want to, saying he was on his way. Occasionally, Ms. Li thanked him by cooking him two of her favorite Chinese dishes on weekends. After a few visits, the two became acquainted.
The weather is getting warmer. One Saturday morning, Li Xin was watching TV when she heard Steven knock on the door, saying that she had something important to talk about. Li Xin answered the door as she remembered whether she had forgotten this month’s rent.
As soon as he opened the door, Steven stood outside, dressed in a suit and tie, with a large bouquet of flowers and balloons floating on the stairs behind him. Li Xin understood in a flash what the other side was thinking and slammed the door.
Steven just said, “I really like you, Jen. Can’t you see? You are so beautiful and so kind that I wish you could be my girlfriend.”
She had noticed the warm look in Steven’s eyes when he looked at her, but she didn’t want to think about it. For one thing, she was also impressed by Steven, and for another, she really didn’t want to move again. Now that she had been told, she could only reflect.
When Steven saw that she did not open the door, he had to turn around and go upstairs. Li Xin waited for his footsteps to move away, then called her two former roommates.
“Unreliable!” Her roommates tried to persuade her. There are three reasons why you can’t – the other person is older, divorced, and has three children.
Li Xin hung up the phone and realized that Gao Yong was A Chinese. Steven, who is 10 years older than he is, manages his figure well and praises you a hundred times a day and treats you like a princess. Why not?
In a throwback to rebellious adolescence, Li pulls open the door and walks upstairs. “I like you too,” she says to Steven.
5
Li Xin is radiant when she is in love. Every time she goes out for dinner with her two roommates, she cannot help complimenting Steven on his considerate nature. She said that now her greatest wish is to have a child.
As long as she’s happy, her roommates are happy for her. “Does Steven know your wish?”
Li Xin replied, “Of course! He said we’d get married as soon as I got pregnant! ‘
This Thanksgiving, Ms. Li scrambled some of her specialties and baked pumpkin pie. Steven worked for hours, baking a big Turkey. The two are going to have a good celebration.
One end of the Turkey came up, Li Xin suddenly felt sick – in fact, the month has been delayed for more than ten days, she also bought a test paper, but has no courage – if today tested out, it is also a great joy.
In the bathroom to see the two bars of the moment, Li Xin could not help tears. After a long silence, she sat down opposite Steven and said in as calm a voice as she could, “I’m pregnant.” Then wait for the usual hyperbolic reaction.
But the expression on Steven’s face was very different from what Li xin expected. He became serious, and after a long silence he said, “You know what? I’m a distant relative of the British royal family… My family has a blood requirement, And I can’t just get married and have a baby… I don’t want this child.”
For a split second, looking into Steven’s snakelike eyes, she almost grabbed a knife and fork off the table and threw it over. But he tried to calm down and said, “Didn’t you say I would get married when I got pregnant? You liar!”
Steven is a scallywag. “Didn’t you say you couldn’t get pregnant no matter how hard you tried? You lied to me first!”
When the meal was too much to eat, Li Xin turned and went back to her room. This time, she was not separated from Gao Yong, that kind of heartbreaking feeling, just a kind of anger of being cheated.
What’s next?
Move? I can’t. Finally pregnant with this child, no matter what she had to protect him, not to move about. Back home? That job lost, and experienced so much, rashly take an unknown child back, the parents must scold her to death.
She decided to hold on to her job, arrange a family visit and ask her parents to come to Canada to help. So the parents should be less angry, after all, “dirty linen” is not good in public.
For the next few days, Li went to work as usual, but tried to avoid meeting Steven.
Steven soon lost his cool. One afternoon, he stopped Li at the door. “I’m not a bad person,” he said miserably. My last divorce really put me through the wrack. I used to be middle class, but now I have to rent out my basement to make more money, and I’m really afraid of getting married again.”
“I am a distant relative of the Emperor of the Tang Dynasty,” Li said coldly. “My child is descended from the imperial family, so I must be born. You don’t have to marry me. I’ll keep the child myself. ‘
“You want this baby without getting married?” Steven is surprised. “To be honest, I love kids. I’ll help you, but I can’t pay a fixed monthly fee. You move upstairs, there’s radon gas in the basement, it’s not good for the lungs, you can’t live there when you’re pregnant. And you don’t have to pay the rent.”
Although Steven is hateful, Li Xin can only rely on him in this foreign country. The next day, Li Xin moved upstairs. Going for a walk, Steven introduces his “girlfriend” to the neighbors.
6
As the due date approached, Li Xin’s parents arrived. Ms. Li had been afraid to tell them that Steven and she were not married, or her parents would not have moved into the house.
Even so, Steven’s parents don’t like him at all. He’s too old to communicate and has to go out with his three old children on weekends. Especially, they can’t stand his bad manners. For this reason, Li Xin’s mother cried several times, scold Li Xin to give up the good future at home, come to Canada to marry such a bad old man.
Steven enjoyed the dinner prepared for him by his girlfriend’s parents and told Li several times: If li’s family rented a house, the rent would be more than 1,000 yuan, so He had already paid his share of the money and would have to pay for the diapers when the baby was born.
Li Xin was 36 when she gave birth to her first child. She was already nervous enough, dealing with her parents’ emotions and Steven’s indifference. She began to regret letting her parents come over, she clearly know that their parents can only accept “successful children”, can not accept such a “down and out of the child”.
In the end, she had to negotiate with her parents to change their return tickets from six months to three months, with the intention of letting them return home once their child was one month old. Later, I will take my children back to China to visit their parents when everything is better.
Li gave birth to a daughter in June 2010. To Li’s surprise, Steven is very happy. He says he already has three sons and the daughter is a gift from Heaven. As soon as I was free, I took my daughter out to bask in the sun and showed off to the neighbors. One weekend, Steven even brought his three sons home to “check on my sister.”
Steven introduced Li Xin to the three older boys. “This is my girlfriend, an accountant. Do you think my sister looks like me or her?”
“You hired two nannies to take care of your girlfriend?” The younger son asks Steven.
“My girlfriend’s parents came from China to help. They will go back next month. I don’t need to pay them.” Li Xin stood by, grateful that her parents did not understand English.
When my parents finally wanted to go home, my mother took Li Xin’s hand at the airport and said, “We don’t just help my brother and don’t help you, but we don’t speak the same language here and our foreign son-in-law doesn’t welcome us. We really can’t stay any longer. The road is your own choice, you like it. If we can’t go on, we can come back to China.” Li Xin felt so mixed up in her heart that she could not say a word.
When his daughter turned 100, Mr. Steven hung balloons at home, set up a barbecue in the backyard and invited his three sons to a party. Ms. Li invited her two roommates.
“The foreign abacus is quite good. If you want a woman to have a woman, and if you want children to have children, you don’t have to pay for anything.” As Steven bustled about, one roommate felt aggrieved.
“Is! Why do you always meet men who cheat on women’s affections? Desperate to have this child, what are we going to do next?”
“I have a woman who can do everything. I can take care of my child without him, not to mention that he has to pay child support as a father.” Instead, Li xin comforted the two roommates.
But that night, when she got up to nurse her baby and looked at its angelic face, Li Xin suddenly felt loneliness and sadness rising in her heart, and her tears began to flow down.
Afterword.
After graduation, students go their separate ways to find a job, have a baby, contact less and less. Li Xin, in particular, often avoided us and did not answer the phone, and I gradually lost contact with her.
One Saturday at the end of last year, When I sent my son to play ice hockey, I saw Li Xin skating with her daughter on the same ice rink.
Her daughter is more than eight years old, tall and thin, gliding over the ice like a cygnet. Li Xin is gaunt, his hair has become gray, and his fairy spirit has disappeared. Before I could ask her, she volunteered, “I’m afraid of everything. Now I’m afraid of meeting old acquaintances.”
It turns out she’s still living with Steven.
As a single mother, the government subsidy was nearly 2,000 Canadian dollars. With her salary, there was no financial problem. So when her daughter was 4 years old and just started preschool, she once moved out of Steven’s house after an argument and lived alone with her daughter for two months.
But one night two months later, her daughter developed a fever of 40 degrees, vomited and convulsed, and Li was horrified. But in unaccompanied Canada, she had to turn to her father for help. In addition, my daughter has a deep relationship with Steven, and makes trouble to find her father every day. So after this event, Steven took a bunch of flowers and brought Li Xin and her daughter back to his home as before.
Li Xin asks: “Do you think I am very useless, very ashamed?”
I said, “No! You didn’t steal or rob or cheat. You earn money to support yourself and your children. Where’s the shame?”
Li Xin sighed. “My parents don’t think so… When I was a child, I always wanted to get ahead when I grew up and let my parents enjoy happiness with me. But you see, I don’t care about my own business, let alone my parents.”
“Did you mention your marriage to Steven again?” I asked.
Li xin says with a wry smile: “Steven is also more and more in his 50s. He is yearning for a happy family. Plus he has three grown children from his first wife and no child support, so he really wants to get married but I don’t.”
Li Xin looked at her daughter on the ice, her eyes empty and tired.
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