In April this year, when I was working on the topic of “attachment theory”, I found a friend who was studying psychology and wanted to find information. My friend told me that human beings are herd animals, and in a collection, there are inevitably cases of heterosexual or unrequited love. So I asked this friend to introduce her counseling client Aaron to me.
Aaron is the typical “king next door”. My friend said, “Don’t blame the ‘old king’ for being flirtatious, the ‘old king’ also has pain.”
I interviewed Aaron twice, the first time he was careful with me and had his own hide, but a few months later, when I interviewed Aaron again, things had already progressed substantially for him.
1
Aaron is 29 years old, graduated with a master’s degree, currently working in a cultural company, like a legendary stick in the mud. He has only had one relationship so far, a crush to be exact – he had a crush on a girl in his class back then, and it was very hard.
He lived in the city in a common “one staircase four” residential building, between the door and the door, neighbors will inevitably look at each other, but he because of this “encounter”, like his female neighbors, into an inexorable unrequited love.
On that occasion, the door of his neighbor’s house could not be opened, he happened to be home, passing by the door, and happened to help a little – in a moment, he was touched by the helpless, pouting expression of his neighbor.
Aaron felt that his heart was ignited at that moment. He said to me metaphorically that there is a quantum entanglement between people, where the physical quanta were waiting for each other before the encounter happened, and now they have met, but it’s too late to meet.
When you just fall in love, there is always so much attention.
Aaron carefully observed and mastered all the routine of his female neighbor: what time she woke up, what time she started cooking, what time she opened the windows of her house, what time she called her husband to get up. In the morning, the image of the two of them sitting in the dining room, eating, was projected to Aaron’s eyes through the two windows.
He would watch quietly for a while.
Every day at 8:10, the female neighbor would leave for work, and an hour later, her husband would leave.
Every Wednesday afternoon might be the female neighbor’s rest time, she would come home at noon, and the night of that day was a painful time for Aaron – the neighbor’s conjugal life was very regular, and every Wednesday night, there were tiny moans coming through the walls to Aaron’s ears, and he would get restless and couldn’t help imagining them The image of the couple together was graphic. Then the image turned into a dull ache that enveloped him tightly.
Monday through Friday, the lights go out in the neighbor’s bedroom at 10:30 p.m. every night of the week, except Wednesday, and Aaron is sweetly free to fantasize: She must be asleep, is she lying on her side or flat? Does she think of herself? Even if it was just a little bit.
On weekends, the female neighbor’s resting time is usually not fixed. When he cannot see her, Aaron will go downstairs for a while, because the electric car that the female neighbor usually rides is kept downstairs, if the car is there, it means that the person is at home, and all his imagination will have a support.
Aaron is always trying to accurately deduce his female neighbor’s work and rest time, and the purpose of doing so is to create a chance to “meet” her. He said that at the beginning, every “chance encounter” with his neighbor was a holiday for him.
The first “chance encounter” with a female neighbor was in the neighborhood supermarket, when she was buying a new milk, the two chatted casually for a while. He wrote down everything his neighbor said on a piece of paper, and then analyzed whether she had a crush on him or not, sentence by sentence.
He wrote on the paper, “She said she likes to drink milk, it’s good for the body, this new brand is good, and urged me to drink it too. I just think that she cares about my health, although clearly know that I am self-made, but still can not help but think. Men have this feeling, right? When you can’t get it, it’s the best time.”
He said he understands that this is just unrequited love, but what if it is not?
2
Aaron thought he was an isolated case of obsession with his neighbor’s wife, but later found that it was actually a group.
Once, when he searched the internet for the word “female neighbor”, he found a qq group called “Fang Neighborhood”, and after applying for it, Aaron realized that there were not a few people like him in this situation.
One of the netizens in the group, Xiao Xu, described it this way: “It is a distance that you can look at each other by pushing the window, but it is also a feeling that the sky is a stone’s throw away; an attachment that is close by, but a regret that you cannot hold hands for a lifetime.”
Aaron and Xiao Xu had a very pleasant conversation, their experience is more or less the same, they are in love with female neighbors can not be extricated.
“This feeling of seeing each other every day and not being able to get it is similar to the feeling of having a crush on a female classmate in class, but not exactly the same, after all, we are all adults now.” Xiao Xu said so.
The two became good friends, this hidden emotional demands once found the same or similar confide in the object, will be easy to develop into a talkative friends.
The first is that pornographic depictions are absolutely forbidden; the second is that if you have already been with a female neighbor successfully, you should take into account the moral bottom line and personal privacy and not reveal any personal information.
In this group, still the majority of crushes, from time to time, there are also female netizens come in, is a crush on male neighbors.
One girl had this to say: “I am fascinated by his generosity, calmness, and confidence when he passes in front of me every day, but I know we can not be together, he already has a wife, and a pair of twin sons, whenever they two families pushing a stroller passing, I always excuse to tease the children, and then look at the male owner that sunny and kind smile, at that moment, I’m satisfied.”
There are still some activists in the group who are silent, and there are as many instances as there are people who think this way.
“Of course, there’s also a lot of bigoted things that happen.” Aaron said.
A boy in the group, fell in love with his female neighbor, who was almost 10 years older than him. That boy somehow managed to secretly match the key to his female neighbor’s house, and then sneaked into her home while no one was at work during the day, slept and ate in her bed, but was soon caught in the act by the neighbor. The boy’s last message to the group was, “I might be gone for a while, I accidentally got ‘slipped in’.”
“Slipped” is a code word in this group, which has two meanings: one is to be liked by the neighbor and to have a good time, and the other is to do something bad and be caught by the neighbor. The two meanings are diametrically opposed, but both have the meaning of a substantial relationship or change.
Accidentally “slipped up” and “already slipped up” are definitely the opposite types here.
Aaron looked at the shared files sent in the group, there is a netizen and female neighbors quietly good for two years. Usually the two families do not seem to talk, meet in the elevator, just to say hello, but no one expected that the two people have long been together, but only to the hotel, who do not go to each other’s homes. Those hidden little happiness and the joy of stealing the forbidden fruit, from that group member’s homework, can be seen.
After reading many people’s so-called “homework”, Aaron, who comes from a statistical background, naturally summed up a rule: the general success of “bonding” (Xiao Xu called this hookup success), are both more mature mentally, and most of them have families, but either the couple is not harmonious, or they are separated.
After reading more assignments, Aaron has mastered some so-called methods and techniques from other people’s “success stories” – which makes him even more eager to try. He felt that he was still only at the “heart” stage, but now, to put it crudely, he has reached the “hands-on” stage.
Although he feels that once he “does it”, it will be a kind of destruction to the previous picture and state of mind, “one can’t always do it (move the mind)” – from moving the mind to doing it, it is two kinds of feelings, a formal progression, and the implementation of the mind to the body.
3
Aaron began to look for something in his female neighbor’s life that would allow him to take advantage of the situation, and he began to learn something about her in detail. Soon, Aaron learned an important clue – the female neighbor’s marriage was not original, and both of them had a history of marriage once. The two had been married for two years and had no children. The female neighbor worked at a bank window, and her husband was a mid-level businessman in some small company.
The more he learned, the more Aaron felt he had infiltrated inside the other’s family, and he kept accumulating opportunities like a hunter waiting for an opportunity.
Finally, one day, Aaron went to his female neighbor’s bank window.
This bank was so far away from them that he usually could not go there. So, when the two met there, they both recognized each other because of the effect of the unfamiliar location.
Aaron said he wanted to learn about financial products, the female neighbor was enthusiastic, and when he left, Aaron added her WeChat and said he was now transferred to a nearby job so the two could go home together.
Once a man starts acting, he has endless energy and excuses. That night, Aaron chatted with his female neighbor and learned again that the relationship between the two of them, the couple, was not as good as he had seen: the man was too busy with social engagements, and financially the two were completely independent, in the words of the female neighbor, “like housemates living together in a partnership”.
Gemini female neighbors are sensual creatures, but also some like new and old. Some people say Gemini is a typical philandering sign, but Aaron thinks it’s not quite accurate. Gemini people seem to be philandering on the outside, but there is a sacred place in their hearts, and when that person is not present, that place is rather vacant – he appears to fill the female neighbor’s place.
From time to time, Aaron would pretend to meet his female neighbor by chance when she was off work, and then the two would walk together through the small garden of May Day Park, a shortcut to the subway station, a man and a woman, walking together in the park, Aaron enjoyed the way people looked at them as a couple.
The words between them also began to become somewhat ambiguous. The trysts between men and women are you and me, and not all of these trysts point to love, such as the family, past, school or funny stories of both parties as children.
Until one day, Aaron suddenly says to his female neighbor, “Actually, I’ve liked you for a long time.”
It seemed like a clichéd movie ending, the female neighbor did not say anything, and the two walked in silence for a while, Aaron was very uncomfortable at that moment.
Aaron gave the man some change and the neighbor smiled and said, “Actually, these are not real beggars.”
Aaron said: “even if it is a profession, it is also his professional labor income.”
Or because of this incident, that day back, the two people talked for a long time, the female neighbor told Aaron, she grew up living in the suburbs of the city, many siblings, the family burden, and then she got into a fairly good university, the university years did not ask the family for a penny, step by step all rely on their own struggle.
Aaron did not ask about the reasons for her previous failed marriage, but felt that her current marriage was not happy either.
As expected, the female neighbor said, and now her husband is a blind date to meet, and still feel a layer of separation.
After this confession, their relationship seemed to be a step closer.
On the weekend, Aaron asked his neighbor to go to a nearby escape room club alone, because he knows the “dangerous bridge effect” – two people in a very dangerous situation will be closer physically and mentally because of the same identity and demands.
The escape didn’t disappoint Aaron, he naturally took his neighbor’s hand in the scary room, and at that moment, both of them had sweaty hands.
In terms of their relationship, this is a successful upgrade.
4
Some bodies rise in the direction of the soul, and some souls, however, sink in the direction of the flesh.
It took only half a month for the two to kiss for the first time after holding hands in that secret room.
Aaron felt that it was a slow process, but it was really the process of falling in love, unlike all his previous crushes. In his mind, he began to not appear the female neighbor all the time, and the language was much crazier, but all this, the female neighbor could accept openly.
What made the relationship between the two really change was an unexpected event: the female neighbor’s husband cheated on her.
That night, Aaron was working overtime when the female neighbor sent a message on WeChat, wanting to ask him out for a walk.
Aaron put down his work and came to the “quiet bar” she had arranged. The female neighbor’s expression was painful, the first sentence said, “He cheated” – she overheard some chat records, although it does not reflect the man and the woman has been substantial content, but the words provocative.
Two people asked for some wine, no indulgence, are slightly drunk, in the back of the tree bud, or alcohol stimulation, Aaron hugged the female neighbor, two people’s lips, with a slight taste of alcohol entwined together. At that moment, Aaron felt something in his heart, like being ironed by an iron, whirling, became flat and proper.
After that, the two people went home together and separated at the entrance of the neighborhood, one after the other.
In the following days, Aaron’s heart was full of sweet happiness, as if he had just started to fall in love. He told his female neighbor in WeChat that it was like he was back in middle school, and the little actions and thoughts of the other party could trigger his endless associations and love.
We both have “neighborhood” syndrome
The two people began to have another kind of secret.
When the female neighbor went out, she would say to Aaron: I’m going out, do you happen to come out? See you. Or Aaron would just enter the neighborhood and send a weibo to his female neighbor: I’m back, let’s “meet” in the neighborhood.
If two people meet by chance without appointment, they smile at each other and pass by, and the secrets of their hearts remain only in their own hearts, even to say hello, is extraordinary.
That time was sweet beyond compare, but Aaron always felt that something was not sound, and he clearly knew that it was because the two people had not yet reached the step of physical intermingling.
The matter of the neighbor’s husband’s cheating seemed to have subsided from the night of the kiss, and neither of them mentioned it again, but Aaron was sensitive to the fact that the neighbor’s emotional scales had tipped to his side.
However, she has always been faithful to her body and clearly told Aaron that this was her last stand and did not want the two to have sex for a moment, in which case her whole body and soul would be given to Aaron, divorced, and married to him.
Aaron said that marriage is marriage, but the female neighbor just smiled and said, they are not suitable. After all, she was four years older than him.
And, the neighbor told Aaron, her pain was more than that. Many times, she thought about separating from Aaron, and every now and then, morality would come crashing down on her, and she couldn’t catch her breath between the sweetness and the spiritual angst.
5
The pain of a female neighbor is the choice, but in Aaron’s case, it is the confusion of not being able to ask.
Aaron was distressed and asked many people in the group. People’s answers varied from the rude ones, saying, “Isn’t the purpose of this kind of thing to get laid? How many times in life can you experience that?”
There are more difficult to hear, said: “is not a free blah blah blah, but also near, but also convenient.”
There are also literary some, said: “have seen the “flowering years” it, some love, point to point is enough, enough to remember a lifetime.”
There are also ideas, said: “not recommended to go to bed, otherwise, it will destroy the beauty of the present. The two people just hang on to each other, thinking about, and so close, how good.”
There are also advised to split, said: “Dangerous, you are playing with fire, crush is enough, you this kind of relationship, sooner or later to develop to bed, and then each other tired, separate, think, neighbors break up but also meet, how terrible, with the enemy.”
For these remarks, Aaron felt there was merit.
Aaron began to feel that now it is a balance of love, a balance of transient beauty, the two of them have their own secrets, sometimes a look, a chance encounter can be heartwarming for half a day, this feeling of love has also become the driving force of his work life – but will it go on down the road, will it develop to what they call sleeping, Aaron dare not think down, as if morality is the red marker line set up between the two people, no one dares to cross.
The various scenes of catching adultery, or the various bad names, became a burden to Aaron’s heart. Sometimes, he didn’t even dare to look at these words on the Internet, always feeling that he had become such a person, and once he was labeled as such, he felt, first of all, that he was a bad person.
There was a period of time when Aaron’s life was in a kind of dilemma, and he asked his female neighbor what kind of state would develop between the two people.
The female neighbor said to him, “Don’t worry, we have a bottom line. We two simply can not go that far. However, I believe that once this bottom line is broken between men and women, this current state will definitely change. Will it be progress or regression? I can’t say.
But, does having a bottom line prove that morality is maintained?
Now, Aaron and his female neighbor still maintain this relationship, sometimes quietly go out for a cup of coffee together, sometimes take advantage of the half-day free to go to a movie, holding hands in a private place, kissing, hugging for a while, like love, but not all love.
Aaron felt a little relief in the midst of this pain is that every Wednesday at that fixed time, rarely happens again before, as Aaron said, once a woman’s heart belongs, then the body and mind may be a person.
But the pressure of morality, the title of bad guy, the helplessness of cheating, layer upon layer of pressure, still Aaron feels that now the more difficult to go. After all, he is getting farther and farther away from a clean neighborhood, and this is something he can’t stand. He has no intention of becoming a “bad person”, but he has become a “bad person”, and the moral flaws make it difficult for his mind to rest.
Post-interview
In the urban-rural structure data of 2017, the resident population in urban areas was 813.47 million, and the proportion of urban population to the total population was 58.52% – behind this huge number is the dense urban population living in clusters.
Psychologists, in their research on the psychosocial properties of human beings, have analyzed the change of human beings from living in groups due to the need for communication and security to living in groups due to the constraints of living conditions, and found that in groups of people living in groups, the phenomenon of opposite-sex attraction will shift with the change of group living conditions, and the normal moral constraints will slowly deviate from the scope of their constraints.
In other words, the closer the female neighbor is, the more dangerous it is, and the greater the probability of cheating.
Neighborly love is also a phenomenon in this social group, but this love, often because of its secrecy and its immorality, can make people unable to refuse and unwilling to disclose it.
In our lives, and even in our neighborhood, people like Aaron are a significant number, which is why the term “Old King Next Door” is used on the Internet, which implies a specific meaning and reflects a special kind of neighborly relationship. However, not all of them are enjoying the secret pleasures, such as Aaron, who is suffering from ambiguity.
I asked Aaron how this situation would end. He thought about it for a while and seemed to be struggling to make a decision: “Either she moves out, or I move out, or we stay together. The house was bought, and it’s a huge hassle to change houses, or maybe a new girlfriend to transfer the love? But then, obviously sorry for this ambiguity. There are some things that go against morality in the beginning, then inevitably its condemnation.”
Aaron the final result, no one can predict. But there is no doubt that the balance of morality always favors pure neighborhood relationships, and people like Aaron and those in the “neighborhood” group are not allowed by the common morality after all.
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