1
Sitting on the toilet seat, I squeezed my early pregnancy and my knuckles began to turn white.
“Xiao Yun, hurry up!” My dad knocked on the toilet door and kept urging me on. As a matter of fact, I still have an early time to go to school, but he is going to be late. So I quickly threw the test paper into the toilet and flushed it down.
Sitting in the car, my dad didn’t say anything. Every day he would take me to school and I would come home by myself after school. But on the road, we never say a word. Or, as far as I can remember, I never had a full conversation with my father. Every conversation between us is forced to be said. Just like the teller said to you when you went to the bank counter to deposit your money.
He got off the car and went into the classroom. I didn’t hear a word all morning, thinking about the test paper. Is the test paper accurate? How did you get pregnant? After all, it was only once, and on a safe day.
After class at noon, I clenched my fist and walked to the door of the experimental class.
“Hello, May I speak to Zhao Zibo?” Outside the door, holding a textbook, was about to enter the girl was stopped by me. She looked at me doubtfully and then walked to Zibo who was still studying at his desk. Zibo looked up at me, as if a little surprised, and then bent over the table to write what, just walked out.
When he passed me, he walked straight out of the teaching building without looking at me.
I followed him to the playground, which was almost empty by noon. But we were still two meters apart, walking one behind the other.
He said nothing.
I hesitated for a long time, just open mouth: “I am pregnant!”
I distinctly saw his shoulders shake and he stood still.
He didn’t look back. “Why, just once? Didn’t you say…”
“Yes, in the security period, but I don’t know how…”
There was a long silence. Then he said, “Knock it off.”
My tears poured down, I do not know why, because from this morning until now, the only way I think of is to beat the child. But when he said so, I felt really sad.
“Good.”
2
Zhao Zibo is the top student in our high school, and he is the top one — since he went to high school, he has been the first in every grade examination.
It is said that he was the no.1 student in our city during the high school entrance examination.
And I was paid by my father to get into this high school. Originally our world has no intersection, he is just the shining star on the big red list, for me can only look forward to, not close to.
It was the anniversary of my mother’s death. My father and I went to visit the tomb. When we got back to the city, my father had something urgent at work, so he dumped me on the street and gave me 50 yuan to take a taxi home. There was a special cosmetic case I wanted to buy, and I was saving money all the time, plus the place was not far from home, so I didn’t take a taxi.
I was halfway down the road when it suddenly began to rain. I had to hide in front of a convenience store, my jacket half wet. As I stood outside the rain curtain like a drowned rat, Zhao zibo came out of the convenience store with an umbrella.
He took me home with an umbrella; The rain was getting heavier, so we went back in for shelter. The rainy day indoor, only the two of us, breathing between each other can smell. Silence, peace, the ticking of the eaves, seemed to separate the cottage from the world.
When he ran his fingers over my shoulders with my shirt, I could feel my heart jump out of my chest.
Forty days had passed, and I was in a state of panic when my monthly punctual relatives failed to show up.
3
The hospital.
The tests came back.
“I can’t… If you don’t want this baby, please… Will you knock it off for me?” My voice trembled, tears ran down my cheeks, and my eyes dimmed.
“See you still minor, abortion must get guardian signature, call your parents come over!”
I froze, then stood up and said thank you. I walked out of the hospital in a daze. Zhao Zibo was waiting for me at the gate of the hospital, carrying a small green bag with five thousand dollars in it.
“Well? When is the operation?” “Zhao Zibo asked.
I shook my head and tried to speak, but suddenly tears choked my throat. I crouched down beside the hospital door and wailed. Zhao Zibo squatted down and comforted me helplessly.
I did not know how long to cry before I looked up. Looking at the man, looking at the father of the baby in my belly, he said, “You have to have my father sign it before you can have the operation.”
Zhao Zibo obviously did not expect so much trouble, he seemed very fidgety, turned around and kicked the next tree. If I tell my dad, he’s bound to ask who the baby is. I’m afraid both houses will suffer as a result.
Zhao Zibo and I are not the same, he is good in character and learning, teachers and parents in the eyes of a good boy. I don’t even think school teachers would be surprised if they heard I was pregnant. But if you want to know that the child is Zhao Zibo, I am afraid it will be a shock to all the eyes of the people.
So from the beginning, I thought Zhao Zibo was more flustered than I was.
“Don’t worry, don’t you panic.” Zhao Zibo squatted down beside me again. “There are some private clinics, certainly not accompanied by parents. Look at all those little ads on the street. Let’s go there. It doesn’t matter if it costs more. My mother will give me money for my extra lessons when I talk to her.”
Zhao Zibo was trying to persuade himself rather than me.
When I got home, my father was still out at parties. The room was empty and very lonely. I lay flat on the bed in my bedroom, holding back my clothes and running my hands over my still smooth, flat stomach. It’s hard to imagine a little life in it. He was weak and helpless in the big world. Nobody expects him to grow, nobody expects him to come.
Slowly, I noticed him squirming and almost acting in love with me.
I sat up and hugged myself. I’ve been alone in this world since my mother died in a car accident when I was five. Now, inside my body, there was a life more fragile than mine!
The little, helpless life that yearned for my protection — just as my mother had protected me when I was young in a car accident.
Do you long to come into this world? Eager to see me?
I wouldn’t be a good mother!
This little creature, this little tormenting creature.
…
A week passed quickly and our school only had Sunday afternoons off.
This day after school at noon, Zhao Zibo walked in front of me. I followed his instructions and followed him 20 meters behind.
When we got out of the school, there were no other students around. He stopped until I could follow him.
“It’s all right. Don’t be afraid. It is said that the operation will be anesthetized, so it doesn’t hurt. And you’re just over a month pregnant. You’ll be fine.” Zhao Zibo looked around nervously, as if afraid of being found by acquaintances.
I nodded mechanically, my left hand touching my belly.
Into the dirty hospital, into the ward, lying on the cold operating table. Like a puppet, I am led by the nose. At that moment, the nurse took out the needle. I asked her what it was. She told me it was anaesthetic.
Anesthetic!
This little life that has been with me for nearly two months is about to disappear from my body. Where will he go? Would he hate me? Will he say, why mother don’t want me, why so big the world can not accommodate a small him?
As I watched the needle approach the back of my hand, I suddenly shouted to stop. He rolled out of bed and ran out of the operating room. My face was twisted with tears. I suddenly pushed zhao Zibo away and shouted at him, “You are murdering me! Murder!”
After that, I rushed out of the dirty, shabby hospital.
4
The next day at school, Zhao Zibo stopped me at the school gate. But I walked around him, and he tried to stop me, but he didn’t have the guts.
From that day on, I avoided being alone at school. Always with the circle that did not like to blend in before, go to the toilet, go to the canteen, do morning exercises. No matter what I did, There were three or five people around me. When the third month arrived, Zhao Zibo finally could not bear it. That day during the exercise, he suddenly grabbed me from the crowd and, with all eyes gaping, dragged me into the garden by the playground.
“What on earth are you doing?” He hushed his angry voice.
I looked at him blankly. “I will give birth to him.”
“Are you mad? You’re a sophomore in high school, and if you give birth to him, everything will be ruined!”
I felt a slight bulge in my stomach and a slight smile curved the corners of my mouth. I used to think of the thing in my belly as a demon, but now I think of it as a little angel. No matter what troubles me, All I have to do is touch my stomach and I’ll feel the light.
‘No, he’s everything to me!
Zhao Zibo was probably startled by the motherly smile on my face, so when I turned to leave, he still stood there, stunned.
This man I neither love nor hate.
Even at my young age, I know that some things can be blamed on others. The road of life is all their own choice, if there is the possibility of starting over, I would not choose this road; But life can’t go back, so I choose to carry on with heavy burden.
In the days that followed, I controlled my food, tightened my stomach with a belt and wore loose clothes. For fear of being discovered my growing belly. Zhao Zibo no longer comes to me, so I don’t have to force myself into other people’s circle. I became more and more isolated, alone every day. Nobody cares about me, and I don’t care about anyone else.
The little one was obedient, and I had no pregnancy reactions. She was almost like any other girl who wasn’t pregnant, except for gym class, where she pretended to show up at the same time every month. So it was almost a miracle that no one found out I was pregnant.
Every day in the morning exercise, I can see Zhao Zibo deliberately passed in front of our class. His eyes were sure to look for me in the crowd, and every time he saw me standing there, there was always a hint of peace in his eyes. We were like spies in the underground, making eye contact every day, sharing secrets that only the two of us knew.
It was a day in late April.
The little one could not stay any longer, and was about to enter the world.
5
When I woke up in the middle of the night, I noticed a pain in my lower abdomen and knew I was due. When my dad called me to school this morning, I complained of a stomachache. So he took my leave and went to work by himself.
At home, I endured waves of pain. I didn’t know how to give birth or what I could do. All I know is that it hurts. My water is broken and bleeding.
Then there was a knock at the door. I thought it was my own Shouting that attracted the neighbors, so I choked back.
“It’s me, Zhao Zibo.”
Why is he here? Confused though I was, I crawled over and opened the door. Zhao Zibo came in and carried me to bed. He was wet and muddy. It was raining outside and he didn’t have an umbrella.
“How’s it going?”
“Pain…” .
Zhao Zibo fetched water, put me in the right position, separate thigh, and then kept urging me to force. Next to a person, I can not from the heart with confidence. So, following his lead, production began.
It is said that a woman gives birth to a child. Have not experienced, is do not know that feeling. But the pain was over, and all my senses were drawn to the new life that was to come. I looked forward to his coming so much that I even felt the Virgin Mary giving birth to Jesus in the stable. At that moment, I even felt that I was using my body to communicate with heaven and earth, doing some sacred and secret work.
What could be more exciting than welcoming a new birth? !
“Breathe in through your nose, breathe out through your mouth. Take a deep breath. Bulge on the inhale, and close on the exhale!” Zhao Zibo has been guiding me, and I do what he says. Contractions come and go, pain intervals. Soon my strength will be used up.
“Faster, harder!”
“Hum…” I exert oneself to exert oneself, sweat will beat a hair one tuple, stick on forehead, very uncomfortable.
“How I wish… Shit…”
“It’s all right, push!”
“Hum…”
Then I felt something slip out below. Then I relax and the pain fades away. I’m even a little confused.
“Wow…” I was in tears when the cry came.
Zhao zibo expertly cut the tie and wiped the little fellow’s body with the hot water he had prepared. His movements were so skilful that he had clearly done his homework.
Perhaps he was looking forward to the little one, too?
Zhao Zibo handed me the naked, crying child with a wrinkled face.
It’s a boy.
I took him in my arms and kissed him gently on the forehead. The little one stopped crying and held on to my long hair.
‘He likes me! I can’t stop the tears coming out.
“Of course, you are his mother.”
Yeah, I’m mom. I am a high school student, also be a mother!
“Here, wrap it in the quilt at once. You’ll catch a cold.”
So, I gently sent the child to Zhao Zibo’s arms, he took it over, put it on the prepared quilt. The process of packing, I can even describe it as grand.
After the package was finished, he seemed even quieter. Outside the ticking of the rain, inside, our family of three, unexpectedly extremely peaceful.
This is more than I ever dreamed possible, postpartum.
Suddenly, Zhao Zibo picked up the child, turned around and walked out of the house. Before I knew it, he had opened the gate and rushed out.
‘What are you doing! I shouted and rolled out of bed. My legs are weak and sore. But I can’t care so much, quickly put on a pair of pajama pants, umbrella did not take and ran out.
He followed Zhao Zibo into the rain. How can this line, the child will be caught in the rain cold!
Zhao Zibo came to the park behind the community, there is a large forest in the park. Usually there weren’t many people, but now it was raining, and it was late afternoon, so it was really empty except for us two.
Zhao Zibo went into the woods. I followed him and found that I had dug a small hole deep in the woods. Beside the pit, there were shovels.
Zhao Zibo put the child into the pit.
I jumped at him and grabbed him by the arm with the shovel.
“What are you doing? ! He’s your son. How can you? !”
“Let go! He can’t exist, he’ll destroy me! ‘ Zhao Zibo’s eyes were messy, and his voice was even colder than the early spring rain.
‘No – I won’t tell anyone the child is yours. I beg you not to know anything. I beg you, don’t kill my child! ‘
‘Out of the way! Zhao Zibo pushed me away with such force that the spade hit me on the forehead and I rolled backwards. He began to shovel dirt and cover the crying child.
“No!” My left eye was covered with blood and my eyes were red. I stood up, staggered and shouldered Zhao Zibo away. Then he picked up the crying child and turned to run. Zhao Zibo did not expect me so strong, but I have strength, but also just gave birth, still holding the baby in his arms. So before I could take a few steps, Zhao Zibo grabbed me by the back of the neck. I stumbled and fell down.
In the air, I tried to turn around and land on my left shoulder, which had been cut by stones on the ground, and blood was running down with the rain. But, little one, I am well protected in the crook of my right arm.
Zhao Zibo came over and grabbed the child. I put the child on the ground and jumped at Zhao Zibo. The two of us, in this muddy grove, scuffled. I bit his ear and he screamed in pain. Then he punched me in the temple and I was stunned. Zhao Zibo grabbed my left hand, buttoned it on my back and pinned me to the ground.
With the other hand, Zhao zibo picked up the spade and jabbed at my son.
Time stands still.
There was no sound of rain or wind, only my son’s cries.
I don’t know, maternal love, in a flash can play how much energy. But I know that the only thing that can force a woman to reach her full potential is her children.
At that moment, my heart was very calm. I let out a loud cry and turned my body around. I even heard the snap of my left hand, but I didn’t mind. I reached out my right hand and grabbed a sharp stone. It hit Zhao Zibo on the forehead.
When Zhao Zibo fell, his eyes were full of wonder. It seems that I did not think of small, the body contains such a huge energy.
My left arm was as limp as rubber, and I crawled up to him on my right hand. He was out of breath, crying, and the water was running down his little red face.
I’m sorry you were born into this cruel world.
Pick him up, I leaned against the tree, slowly out of the woods.
It was late, the rain stopped and the moon peeped out of the clouds.
When I got to the gate of the park, I saw my father running towards me in the distance with a flustered face.
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