You don’t know I used to be a bad horse


The story of Nima appeared in the original version of Tianzhu – Tibetan Legend. But because of the volume’s length, the story was pulled out of later Chinese revisions and English editions, leaving many readers unread. Now, authorization netease “vings” exclusive publication. This article is the second part of “The Runaway Tibetan boy”.

One hundred dzo went up the mountain to eat grass, and only one O Guo turned back down the mountain.

— Tibetan Proverb


Gongga mountain under the muya old people are still chanting today: the whole township a hundred years, also can not come out as a mischievous Nima.

“Your naughty ways are rare,” one of the monks at kangsi Zha monastery said to Nima. “You must have a ghost in you.”

The adolescent Nima took fighting for a living – more than meals, in fact, and ate only three meals a day, but he did it twice between meals, like a double snack. Fighting is not a matter of hate; it is a habit, like having a cup of tea at hand, to take a sip naturally, not out of thirst. He even urinates in the toilet. If someone else urinates in his tank, he puts on his belt and has a fight. He can’t wait to get out of the toilet.

As Nima grew up, he became more sensitive to the feeling of being less than human: he had no father, he had no money, he felt like a “jerk.”

He deliberately makes himself worse: he hangs his shoes around his neck and walks into the classroom looking like a hooligan; He confronts his teacher and skips classes; He was a cynic, drank and gambled. “Yes, I’m poor, but if you bully me, you’ll come to no good end!” He fought to preserve his self-esteem.

In fact, every time he was afraid of the fight, sometimes finished will secretly cry for a while, feel sorry for the people he beat up. But half an hour later, he would not hesitate to pick up the stick and use violence to drive away the fear.

In his opinion, girls especially looked down upon him, so they fought with their female classmates. He hit almost all the girls in the class, except luo Zhu, the girl he liked.

Luo Zhu often whispered to him: “you have a good brain, should study well ah, how to waste their own?”

Nima was afraid of Lozu. He was afraid that lozu would hear when others told of his misdeeds. One day he decided to do something big, so he wrote a love letter, “I know you won’t promise me, but you’d lose face if you liked a jerk like me. I just want to be honest with you. I like you.”

the love letter folder into the book of Luo Zhu, Nima will never dare to see her, shrink in the dormitory called not sick, in the heart very hope that Luo Zhu to see him. After the first class, Luo Zhu did not come, Nima thought: “She is angry?” The more I thought about it, the more flustered I became. “I’m so stupid that I want such a nice girl!”

the second class, the dormitory door “Squeak” opened, Luo Zhu came in with a smile, smile nima whole body shaking, with his hand to cover half of the face. “What’s the matter with you?” Lochu asked.

“I have a stomachache.”

“I know you’re not sick. Let’s go to class this afternoon.”

Nima was too nervous to eat lunch, wondering how Lochu would decide his fate. In the afternoon he crept back into the classroom, as if the whole class were staring at him. Someone smiled at him, Nima thought. This guy must be laughing at me for trying to eat a swan.

Luo Zhu let his friend hand him a letter, Nima did not dare to open, immediately ran, fled to the farm and pastoral bureau yard, sat down on the laundry table, after a long time only his hands trembling to open the letter, read twice did not understand, “What do you mean? Does she say yes or no?”

He hurriedly hail a classmate to come over: “you must not say out, this is luo Zhu’s letter, I can’t understand, you see what mean.”

That classmate saw once say: “congratulation you!”


“She said yes.”

“Where did you say yes?” Nima hurriedly read the letter, did not see that sentence.

“Look at the last line, ‘Bring your clothes on Saturday and I’ll wash them for you. ‘Why should I wash your clothes if I don’t?”

Ecstatic Nima ran to the mountain, bent over there to see the xindu Bridge street people come and go, he mouth a root grass, happy to think: “Oh, below so many people inside, there is a belong to me. Then vividly imagine the following floods, waves, the great hero Nima rushed down the mountain, rescued the beloved girl.

After a few days, he entered the classroom, suddenly found Luo Zhu sitting at his desk, with him at the same table. At this time the two are still in secret love.

Lozu leaned over the table and smirked at him.

‘You’re mad! Nima whispered.

“I asked the head teacher to transfer my position to yours, because you are good at math and can help me.”

From then on, There was a sentry beside Nima. As long as he slept in class, Luo Zhu would quietly pinch his legs. Nima did not dare to make trouble in class again, because it would make Luo Bead embarrassed.

One day in the third year of high school, outside the police and Tibetan middle school teacher playing basketball, conflict, see his teacher was bullied, Nima rushed into the court, but Luo Zhu hugged him to let go. Nima was so angry that she could not break free. She bent down and bit Luo Zhu’s hand, which bled. Luo Zhu cried and said, “You kill me, but I won’t let you fight.”

Nima finally took it in.

Luo Zhu wants Nima to get up at four o ‘clock in the morning and run to her house. The two of them study together under the street lamp. She is not afraid of gossip. She wants Nima to go to college.

The middle school forbids the student to fall in love, the headmaster one day call to nima, Nima thought the headmaster want to scold him, the headmaster say: “the school forbid to fall in love, but you excepted, because someone control you, you can talk!” Nima was pleasantly surprised.

And the headmaster may have broken his educational record by encouraging middle school students to fall in love.


Nima’s heart was made of ghee, and the more the wind blew, the more cold and hard it became, but just give him a little warmth and it would melt quickly. No one ever cared about Nima. Lochu, who loved him, turned his life around. Instead of a knife, he held a textbook.

Nima should take an examination of the university, should take an examination of the southwest civilian courtyard, go to big city, go to Chengdu! Chengdu was the city he dreamed of when he was a vagabonder. When he arrived in Chengdu, he almost reached Hong Kong.

When the college entrance examination was over, Nima rode home on a tractor. Luo Zhu caught up with her and jumped off the tractor. Luo Zhu hugged him and cried loudly: “No matter whether we passed the college entrance examination or not, we are all together.”

A month later, Nima got the notice, he even did not open the envelope, went to inquire about the news of Luo Zhu, Luo Zhu also passed the examination!

In August 1999, Nima and Luo Zhu finally arrived in Chengdu, the world beyond Gongga Mountain. He got lost at school, building one, building two… No. 7 building, he can not distinguish the north and south, but very excited, the meal card inserted in the canteen, the meal played out, ha, too fresh! Next to the person speaking Mandarin, Nima ears, heart said: I must learn this kind of words!

But after the physical examination, the teacher told him, “Nima, you have hepatitis. You must drop out of school and come back next year when you are well.”

Excited as if on fire, Nima was thrown into an icy lake. The students would participate in military training. In the evening, they would happily try on the uniforms. Nima went up to them lamely, borrowed a suit and put it on. If I don’t go to college, where will I hide this year? He was accompanied by his countryman Doge, who was a junior. Nima said to Doge, “I can’t go home. My mother will be sad.

Like all Tibetans, he pinned his hopes on Lhasa, the Potala Palace and Sakyamuni in times of adversity.

Nima has not seen the opportunity to beads, military training discipline, she can not leave the dormitory. The next morning, Nima went to the playground to say goodbye to her classmates and see them sitting there without moving their eyes.

Nima wanted to cry, he shouted at the playground: “Xindu Bridge students, I am Nima, I go! I went to Lhasa! I’ll call you.” He was Shouting to Lodzhu.

He remembered that five years ago he had shouted to his classmates, “Hey — we went to Hong Kong and wrote to you there!” It was so high-spirited, but now he cried so sadly.

Lozhu did not dare to look back, unable to stop her tears.

Nima in front of Butala (by Liu Jianqiang)

Nima is going to Lhasa, and the heart of the young Hong Kong is not the same, Lhasa is more distant, seems to be another world, this life also can not go to the place. Mother scolded him for running away, always take Lhasa and Hong Kong, Chengdu compared: “people ran to Lhasa, Lhasa to worship Buddha back have reported, you run to Chengdu Hong Kong can have what?”

Chengdu had been his dream, but now let him heartbroken, he told Doge: “When you return home in winter vacation, be sure to send a message to my mother, I am going to worship Buddha, not to run away.”

The ticket barrier at Chengdu railway station separates the two young men. Doge waves to Nima, who waves back to Doge. He suddenly thinks of the scene in many movies. The stream of people carried Nima, as if he were just a piece of wood washed away by the river, away from the city he had just acquired, away from his girl, away from his dream. He jumped back and waved, but was finally lost in the stream of people. Doge was out of sight. Nima turned back, tears trickling down her cheeks.

He went to Xining and then bought a train ticket to Golmud. The first station to the west of Xining is Huangyuan County. The train goes through the Huangyuan gorge. Huangyuan County has been called “the throat of the sea and Tibet” since ancient times. It is the boundary between the agricultural and pastoral areas of Qinghai-Tibet Plateau, the boundary between the Loess plateau and Qinghai-Tibet Plateau, and the intersection of Tibetan and Han cultures. If you go southwest from Huangyuan County, go straight to Riyue Mountain and set foot on the Tangbo Ancient road to Yushu.

The train goes northwest through the Huangyuan County trail to Golmud via the northern margin of Qinghai Lake. From there you can go to Lhasa.

When the train arrived at Qinghai Lake, Nima saw the blue water of a lake connected with the sky. He could not tell which was the sky and which was the lake. There was a song on the train, and deccan Hope, the singer, sang it hoarsely and sadly:

“You run here, you run here,
Mandarin ducks like to open their eyebrows, Qinghai Lake,
You are frozen by the wind, frozen by the wind,
Mandarin duck dejected, Qinghai Lake.
… …
You are frozen by the wind, frozen by the wind,
Fish drill to the bottom of lake, Qinghai Lake,
You were thawed by the warm wind, thawed,
Sheep to your side, Qinghai Lake.”

Nima stared at the lakeside mountain, all white, its slopes covered with sheep that looked from a distance like the snow-capped mountains of his hometown. He wept again.

He arrived in Lhasa in the middle of the night and stayed up until dawn. Nima had no idea what to do. He wandered into Barkhor Street and saw people kowtow. He also made a few. Turning around, suddenly saw the Potala Palace, Nima could hardly believe it, and kept repeating: “Ah, Nima, you have arrived in Lhasa, Nima, you have arrived in Lhasa!”

From childhood, Nima longed to walk out of the mountains of his hometown. He wandered on two feet, dreaming of leaving Tibet and going to the outside world. When he finally crossed Erlang Mountain, which he had not crossed in his childhood, and arrived in the city, the first thing he did was to take modern transportation, make a big circle, return to Tibetan areas, and arrive at Lhasa.

He stood in front of the square with his heart beating fast. Ah, this is Budala, just like the picture! Nima kept looking at it, recalling the painting of Buda: Yes, yes, this is Buda, “Nima nima, you have really arrived in Lhasa!” Nima seemed to have won the lottery, or to have been sleepwalking, standing in front of Budala, but not knowing where she was.


Nima could not afford to stay in a hotel. When he saw people sleeping by the simmered fire near The Jokhang Temple, he squeezed in to sleep. It was hot, but the next morning his face was covered with dust.

With 100 yuan in hand, he made a phone call to Luo Zhu: “Luo Zhu, I have arrived in Lhasa!” Luo Zhu was crying on the phone, and Nima was talking about her schedule. Luo Zhu was crying all the time, and Nima said, “Don’t cry. We met again a year later. When the call was over, he had only seventy dollars in his hand.

Nima got a job and stood upright like a telegraph pole in front of the hotel. The work didn’t pay much, but it was enough to make long distance calls to Lochu. As much as she misses Lochu, Nima says, “You can leave me alone. I’m a patient. You’ll have better men in college.” It’s not fair, Nima thought, to have such a nice girl waiting for a patient.

“If you beat me to death, I will wait for you.” Los bead said.

But nima kept making such calls, finally let The bead suspicious: nima change of heart? Why do you keep saying that?

Nima pictured her classmates: they had changed a lot. They were dressed cleanly, their skin was white, and they looked fashionable. “And so would I, if I were not ill.” He felt like a monster. But he hid himself from weakness and grief.

A few months later, Nima returned to Study English at Xindu Bridge Middle School, where English classes had just begun. He received letters and honey from Lochu every week until the winter break in January 2000. Luo Zhu did not come back this winter holiday.

Nima returned home to The village of Six ba, Six ba village by the opposition of the north and south mountains sandwiched in the middle, a west flow of the Muju River “hua Hua” sound in the village. There are more than 300 people in this village.

For half a year he had neither heard from nor written to Her. There is no postal service in Liuba village, and no telephone service. To make a call, you have to go to Shade town, which is dozens of kilometers away. Doge returned home for the summer and sent a letter to Lochu asking why Nima had not been heard from. “I wish I had heard one word from you,” he said. Reading the letter, Nima began to cry like a child.

But Doge stammered, “I suspect she is in love with a classmate.”

Nima swore at Doge: “You are such a bitch! Instead of taking good care of me, I wronged her.”

At the end of August 2000, Nima was cured and went to Chengdu with Doge. to the town of Sade, Nyima call Luo Zhu, she has arrived in Chengdu. Nima said: “Luo Zhu, I will arrive in Chengdu tomorrow.”

“Shall I pick you up?” Los bead asked. The tone is calm.

Nima’s heart sank and she began to believe Doge’s words. “No need. Thank you.” He said.

the second day to the west gate of the university, call Luo Zhu, Luo Zhu came over, looking at the complex expression of Nima. Nima said, “Can I have my old letter back?”

Lochu began to cry.

For many days afterward, Lochu called Nima every night, but Nima refused to talk. He seemed even sadder than when he had left school: the world despised him, and Even Lodz abandoned him.

Nima in Lhasa to break up with her phone, has let Luo Zhu worry, and he returned to Kangding for half a year, a telephone letter did not come, Luo Zhu shed a lot of tears, think nima do not want her. Her relationship with another boy isn’t deep, it’s just getting started. But Nima would not listen to the explanation. He made a quilt of sadness, frustration and self-pity and wrapped himself in a corner.


Nima went to college again, and often went hungry because she had no money. He and Doge put all the money into the meal card, eat together, no money on the card — such things will happen every month — on their respective solutions, to see who is big. Whenever Doge finds a meal, he calls to show off: “I’m full. How about you?”

Nima can’t eat lunch when the head is asleep, the classmate ask: “you why don’t go to have a meal?”

“I have a stomachache. I won’t eat any more.”

There is a classmate especially hate, he went to the canteen to buy rice, eat in the bedroom sizi sound. Nima hate in quilt: “you dog day of, don’t go dining hall have a meal, torment me here!”

When the novelty of college wears off, Nima goes back to her decadent ways: drinking, fighting, sleeping. Until one day, he met another girl.

Nima is drinking on a stall outside the school, and there is a girl talking on a public phone next to her. She looks sideways and sees a girl of Han Nationality. She is of medium height with fair skin and beautiful face. Nima blurted out, “Who are you calling?”

“Home.” The girl wants to go.

“What department are you in?”


“My name is Nima, Tibetan language department, class 1, 2000, monitor.”

The girl’s name is Zhao Jia. Nima said: “Let’s put on a dragon fight (Sichuan: chat).” Unable to say with her side by side, Zhao Jia followed him in the football field to turn a circle.

“You take my number.” Nima said.

“I can’t remember, I can’t remember.” Zhao Jia shook his head and walked away.

Nima went back to drinking.

A week later, a girl called. “This is Zhao Jia.” She went to her friend in the Tibetan department and asked, “What about the monitor named Nima?” My friend had a good word to say about Nima. Zhao Jia likes Tibetan dance and Tibetan people. Hearing that the Dormitory of Tibetan language department will be moved away, he is afraid that he cannot find Tibetan friends, so he has to call.

Nima and Zhao jia do a guozhuang dance and soon develop into a trip to the library together. For the first time nima knew where the library was, he pretended to be very serious. He could not read the book, but he had great patience for affectation. After a few months, Nima felt that she was really going to fall in love with Zhao jia. “Let’s break up,” Nima said, “because I will get serious. We won’t get any result. I will go back to my hometown after graduation. You are from Chengdu and won’t follow me. Besides, your family would object, and mine wouldn’t.”

Zhao Jia just ignore, continue to love Nima. During the summer vacation of his sophomore year, Nima went back to Chengdu to sell matsutake from his hometown. He called Zhao Jia and told her to meet him at wuhou Temple, but she heard him wrong and waited for two hours at another intersection and cried for two hours. They both thought, would you like to go to the school? When he reached the east gate of the minyuan, Zhao Jia saw Nima coming and burst into tears: “You lied to me! I don’t want to be apart from you any more! I want to go back to Kangding with you.”

The fire of the love of two people burns finally rise, nima takes Zhao Jia to return home, The identity of Zhao Jia is “the daughter of boss of matsutake”.

Nima has changed again. He values more and more things. He used to be afraid of fighting. Every time he fought, he wanted to finish the fight early and bring down the other side. Later the fight just wanted to frighten each other, thinking “Where not to fight?” — Dangerous head, not to be hit. Eyes are dangerous. Don’t hit them. Now he needed to cherish life. “You are loved, you rascal! “Thought Nima.

One night, holding a case of beer and armed with a knife, Nima broke into the dormitory of the yi student leader, popped open the beer, gave him a bottle, and began to drink. The other looked at him warily.

After finishing a bottle and wiping her mouth, Nima says, “We fight and think we’re big, but we’re like dogs! What did the onlookers say when we fought? ‘Hit, hit! Cheer us on.It’s like watching a zoo show. When the Lolos scold the Tibetans, which young Tibetan is not excited? How dare you insult our nation! In fact, this is just a matter between two people, and has nothing to do with nationality. We will educate our own people and stop fighting.”

He shook hands and made up his mind. When a violent man comes to ask for peace, it is only natural that he should.

About to graduate, a friend suggested nima go back to Kangding to take an examination of civil servants. Nima said: “I don’t go back, I don’t have any money, I can’t get along with officialdom. And if the bad luck comes back, it will return home and make the family sad. I’ll get out of here, and then I can go home and see my mother.”

Nima felt that he had a bad reputation. It was too late for him to return to Ganzi Prefecture to rebuild his good image. He wanted to leave his hometown completely and cut off all connections with the past.

Qamdo, Xizang province, was looking for a teacher. Many of her classmates thought it was too far away.

“I’ll go, too.” Candy said.

“Tibet is very hard,” nima said. “You grow up in the city, you don’t adapt. You must discuss it well with your family. If you must come, you will have whatever food I have.”

“Nothing to think about. I’ll follow you.” Candy said.

Before graduation, Zhao jia went back to her hometown with Nima. She didn’t dare tell her parents. A few days later, Zhao jia’s father caught up with him in his car and asked Nima angrily, “Do you know that I have only one daughter? Did you ask me about your big decision to work in Tibet?”

Nima burst into tears. He envied Zhao Jia. The father had come so far to protect his daughter, but he was so lonely. He had no father and no one to speak for him.

‘Come home with me, now! The father commanded his daughter.

“No, I want to stay with Nima.” Daughter said.

“I’m not trying to break you up,” my father said gently. “You need to talk things over with us. Qamdo is so far away. You go home and we’ll talk things over.”

Zhao Jia hugged Nima and cried, saying, “I won’t go back! I want to be with Nima, I want to go to Qamdo with him!”

Under The persuasion of Nima, Zhao Jia goes with his father. When Nima returned to Chengdu two days later, he gave up his job in Qamdo. “I have only one daughter.” He remembered zhao Jia’s father’s words. Why did he rob his daughter? Why did Zhao Jia have to suffer in the mountains?

He gave up everything and returned to Chengdu.

“What’s the matter with you? To give up a job for a woman.” His friend scolded him.

“Zhao Jia can give up everything for me. Why can’t I give up everything for her?” Nima said.

In early August 2004, Nima finally found a trial job opportunity for Conservation International to work on a project in Tibet to protect the sacred mountain and lake, which was short of a Tibetan staff member. The head of the Chengdu office, Shengzhi Li, said, “You may come with me to Delg and conduct a community survey.”

Not knowing what a “community survey” was, Nima took the long bus to Dege, where a bearded, chunky little man and a Tibetan doctor, Loh Phuntsok, lined up in Tibetan. Nima thought the little man was too strong. He had so much to say and talked with others with gusto.

Li Shengzhi introduces him to Nima: “This is Teacher Zado. He used to protect the Tibetan antelope in Hoh Xil. You should learn from him.” (Zado is one of the main characters in “Heavenly Beads,” serving as secretary to Sonandaj, who took up the environmental cause after He died protecting the Tibetan antelope.)


A Tibetan proverb says that “there are 100 heads of dzo going up the mountain to eat grass, and only one O guo is going back down the mountain.” Mama always said nima: “You are the ‘Guo’ over there.”

Dzo is the best ox of Tibet, with a large cat and a lot of milk, while Guo is a hybrid of a mother dzo and a male yak, of a poor breed, with little milk to be produced.

From youth to adulthood, Nima has always been like the naughty “Guo”, often deviating from the track and making people think he is possessed by a ghost. He fought six times a day, a record for a Tibetan middle school. He became the first student to be encouraged to fall in love; He beat the lama; He is also more famous than all the local lamas. Moreover, he fled — not surprisingly, many Tibetan children long to flee — but instead of following the footsteps of his ancestors and heading for Lhasa, he fled in the opposite direction from the Buddha’s heavenly kingdom, which resembled hell, some Tibetans believe.

What’s worse, despite all his misdeeds, he went to college! He can speak Muya Tibetan, learned Tibetan and Kangba Tibetan in Tibetan middle school, and his Chinese is better than other Tibetan classmates. When he graduated from university, he even spoke fluent English. When he finished college, he married a Han woman. That was not enough. He had to stay in the big cities outside the Tibetan areas.

On October 1, 2006, in a Tibetan restaurant near the Wuhou Temple in Chengdu, Nima and I sat cross-legged on a mat, eating beef pot helmets, drinking milk tea and telling his story. The wuhou Shrine, near the Tibetan quarter of Chengdu, is best known to Nima.

Nima told me:

I spent time with Zado at zongsa Monastery, saying things every day. I don’t know how much zado talks, but he quickly gets along with the locals. I don’t know anything, just follow Zado’s instructions and record, and I don’t know what the record is for.

When I got back to Chengdu, Shengzhi Li had bought me a computer and said, “You sit here.”

I stared at the computer, not knowing what to do. I see Shengzhi Li is writing on his computer every day. I don’t know what he is writing. I want to see it, but I’m embarrassed.

I just hung around the office, not knowing what to do. When my colleagues tell jokes, I can’t get into it. I read the joke book at night and try to tell it to them the next day, but when I say it, they don’t laugh.

I don’t know what an email is. I don’t understand the PPT they use for their speeches. There’s a red dot in the middle of an IBM laptop. What’s that? Why do they touch? My computer is always broken, but I don’t ask colleagues, I don’t want to behave worse than them, I turn off my phone, and when they get off work, I call my friends to come, or spend money to ask the computer city people to repair, the results are all small problems. I even dare not QQ, in fact, the office atmosphere is loose, no one tube Me, but I just with their own.

No one understood the pressure I was under. Zado had an assistant in Qinghai, Zhijia, who told Zado that he was under a lot of pressure and couldn’t go on working. I told Zado that I could relate to that pressure. We are too inferior to others, my work companion is all the Doctor of Peking University, doctor is what concept? The teacher in our department has only one doctor. You suddenly went to the countryside with many Doctors from Peking University. It seems that they all know the knowledge of the world, but I don’t know anything.

When Eating, I always eat whatever dish is in front of me and never reach for it from a distance. I also have a special taboo on eating in a big restaurant. I don’t know how to put napkins or wipe my face with a hot towel. Others do not believe, you a college student, how can not know?

I was bored to count how many crayons there were in the office, and It felt good to do it. After all, I counted them. The most successful time, is to have a meeting, we discussed how many pens to buy, I said loudly: “Ah, color pens don’t need to buy, there are 12 red, blue and 8. Say it clearly, ha, hold your head high.

I was depressed all the time, which was unprecedented in my experience, and the pain was indescribable. Slowly, I felt that there was something wrong with my nerves, and I was in a bad mood all afternoon, trying to remember, did I do something wrong? It wasn’t my colleagues who gave me any heavy tasks. It was all self-reproach and self-seclusion. I wake up at night, afraid of being late in the morning, and get up at three or four to check my watch.

I couldn’t hold on any longer. I looked at myself, and I thought, have I made any progress since a few months ago? If I see any improvement, I’ll cheer up and say, let’s do it for another couple of months. I never wanted to be a regular employee.

Li Shengzhi sometimes asks me to send a fax. That is my biggest headache. I don’t know how to do it. We have a fax machine in our office, but I don’t ask anyone. I travel a long way to wuhou Temple, the place I know best, and Pay someone in a small shop to send a fax. I don’t know the way. Li Shengzhi asked me where to have the meeting tomorrow, but I can’t find it. I went to university in Chengdu for four years and went nowhere, just to the Tibetan community in The Wuhou district.

Li Shengzhi says to me: “Nima, you are leaving the circle of the Wuhou Temple.”

I miss the circle before, where there are many friends, In which I have the final say, I am the eldest brother, but here, I seem to become an orphan, poor.

I don’t feel at ease in Zhao Jia’s house either. She insisted that I stay at her house and take care of me, so I went. Their family is very kind to me, but I take care of myself, just like at work. I don’t eat fish and seafood, they don’t do that, but I feel like an outsider, and the more careful people treat me, the more I do. Zhao Jia and I had disagreements because I was sensitive and always felt that I was living in someone else’s house. Zhao Jia said That I was narrow-minded and not like a man. I didn’t want to say a word. She was so excited that she shook me. “If you talk, you can hit me.” Her greatest fear was that I should be silenced.

I was going to break down, my leg muscles were shaking, My head was dizzy, I was constantly frightened, and even the sound of the door slamming gave me a start. I’m depressed at the office, and I can’t relax at home.

Zhao Jia gave me a lot of strength, helped me and cared for me. She hasn’t found a good job for a year and she’s really sad, but she can help me out and I can relax in front of her.

The people in the office helped me a lot. During that year, anyone could have knocked me down and laughed at me, but they didn’t. They gave me freedom. Leaders and I are not like a superior or subordinate, but friends, very equal. I gradually integrated into my colleagues, I turned out to be too deified them, so I set too high demands on myself. Once you are familiar with it, it will be easy to overcome my psychological problems.

When I faced Zhao Jia’s family with the same mentality again, I also relieved. Zhao Jia’s parents are good to me. In their eyes, I am a good person. In my hometown, I did not get the pressure I expected. I thought they did not like a Han daughter-in-law, but the villagers said: “You have made a contribution to the unity of the nation. You are the first Songtsan Gambo of muya people, and you have welcomed Princess Wencheng.” There are about four or five thousand people in the five townships of our hometown. Except For Zhao Jia, not one Han woman has ever been found.

I stuck it out at work, and if I couldn’t hold it back, I didn’t grow, I didn’t break through. A year later, at a meeting on Mount Emei, Professor Lu Zhi, head of the Beijing office, announced, “Nima is now a regular employee.”

I can’t even think about it at this moment. I always feel so bad about myself! Everybody welcomes me to join, I suddenly feel, ah, originally everybody admits me, here have so many overseas returnees, so many doctors, so many strong people, want me why? Do they really need someone to count crayons? Am I not so bad? Is there an excellent place, but they did not find?

Perhaps the best thing about me is that I get along with everyone. I’m the best bossy person in the office, and the experts are willing to travel with me. Every time I go out, I carry the bag on my back, and I have to take as many bags as I can.

Compared with other students, I also have many advantages: many Tibetan students can’t speak Mandarin, I can; Many Han students can’t speak Tibetan, I can; Just write the report. I am the worst in the company, but Compared with my Tibetan classmates, I am good. I can deal with all kinds of people: Han scholars, Tibetans, foreigners. Maybe sometimes I can’t be replaced.

For a year after I graduated from college, my whole vision and knowledge structure was as fresh as if I had been brainwashed. And I’m honest. When my colleagues meet me, I’m changing: honest, down to work. They don’t know what a rotten life I was. They don’t know that I was a bad horse — I galloped over the cliff, never looking up.

I changed because I grew up, but also because of the union with Zhao Jia. She loves me, I will cherish, I have a responsibility to her. Another important point is that after graduation my best friends went their separate ways: they went to Xigaze, Rakhine, Ali, the China-India border, and our life together was over.

I didn’t know until they were gone that my life had been wrong. Now That I’m not the big brother, with no one to blow on me, I’ve gone into a normal routine, and my environment has changed.

This is actually a regression. Things get worse when they get worse. All my friends used to be Tibetan, but when they left, the newcomers were all Han Chinese, including colleagues, girlfriends and her family. It has changed so much. Now my only Tibetan life is eating Tibetan food like this.

Conservation International has changed me, and I want to thank it. It has opened a new chapter in my life, allowing me to break out of the original shell and enter a new field.

After the breakthrough, I need to have a place in my life, a goal. I had no purpose in learning anything before, including English, just an instant passion and procrastination. “You two Tibetans, Zado and you, have the same problem,” says Mr Li, who has long worked in Tibetan areas. “You never do anything at once, you always have to put it off until tomorrow.”

Zado and I reasoned that we Tibetans would not be able to fight a long war with the Japanese. If I were the colonel and my men were full of Tibetan soldiers, they would rush to fight impulsively as soon as I gave them a pep talk. But if the battle was defeated, the Tibetans would be afraid, disappointed and discouraged, and give up fighting instead of fighting for eight years like the Han People. Many of our friends have this characteristic.

Nima (left) and Zado (Liu Jianqiang)

But now That I have a plan to do something, with a new purpose in life, I have a passion that springs from my heart.

An American expert on cats came to Tibet to do fieldwork, with me as interpreter and guide. No more emails, no more forms, no more reports, no more meetings. I’m so comfortable! I could help the expert to deal with any Tibetan farmer or herdsman, and I also learned a lot from him: the habits of various cats, habitats, plateau landforms, alpine flowers, birds. When he returned to the United States, he sent a letter to his colleagues saying that what they really needed was someone like Nima. “It’s a tragedy to have Niema sitting in the office, untying him, giving him a field project to use his talents.”

Lv Zhi teacher said: “Oh nima, you are great, we are the most difficult to deal with this expert.”

I was in the Tibetan area of the wild, feel the harvest is too big, I have confidence again. My work has also brought me into contact with many amazing people, such as Zado, Garma and Renqing.

My life has changed, but I can’t say from a bad man to a good man. I don’t fight now, I’ve learned a lot, I’ve broadened my horizons, I’ve met a lot of amazing people, and that’s good; But I also lost a lot of things, the new things drowned out the old things, including my own faith.

The first year I didn’t have time to think about my beliefs, just my sense of ignorance and fear, but then I relaxed and started to think.

I made friends with foreigners in college, learned English from them, and participated in their activities, such as playing Catholic characters. They were so keen to tell us Catholic stories that one day a Tibetan classmate said to me: “It’s terrible! I dreamed of Christ! He was crucified.” He was afraid because he was not dreaming of The Buddha, but of Christ.

One Korean teacher, who was fond of preaching, even told us that if a Tibetan converted to Christianity, he would give 150,000 yuan.

I said to the student who dreamed of Christ, “Then you go to believe, 150,000.”

“You’re kidding! ‘he said crossly.

Later, I rarely go to participate in activities, can not refuse to perfunctory. I used to study English crazily and worship foreigners, including their faith and way of life. When I felt my faith was threatened, I kept my distance from them.

But what does that mean? That means my faith is not impregnable anymore. I was never afraid that my faith would be shaken, and when I was back home I had religious activities, and I used to chant sutras and sing the songs of the sixth Dalai Lama, and my second brother was a lama, and I was raised in Buddhism — even though I was always fighting. But my fear that my faith will waver shows that it has.

I used to chant sutras every day when I got up, but now I can’t. I only recite sutras once every few days. I made a point of hanging an amulet. I had never lost it before, but a few days before I took a bath in a hotel, I took it off and lost it. Why didn’t I lose it before? So my beliefs are a little out of balance, a little bit out of balance. Faith is not the deepest thing in my heart, I always forget it. It seemed to be losing, but where had it gone? I don’t know.

Fortunately, I like this job. I’m kind of proud that I’m doing something good for The Tibetan areas. I live in the city and I’m surrounded by Han Chinese and foreigners, but I’m not leaving the Tibetan people. I’m protecting the Tibetan environment and culture, And I’m doing something for my people. I fight for the rights of the Tibetan people, and I can act as a bridge between the Tibetan people and the outside world. I often go to Tibet on business to protect the sacred lake of The Sacred mountain. I can worship the sacred mountain and the temple every day. Who has my chance?

My work is tied to my faith, and I can hold on to my faith.