I am ashamed to tell people that I am a party member

Narrator: Mr. Du|Chinese Communist Party member, part-time worker

Mr. Du, post 85, is a part-time worker in a first-tier city in China. At the request of the interviewee, only his last name is kept here.

Mr. Du told Voice of America that he comes from a rural area and grew up believing what was written in books, taught by teachers, and read in newspapers, joining the Young Pioneers and the Communist Youth League, and being absorbed as a member of the Communist Party in his early twenties. Only later did he realize that the Chinese people had been receiving carefully filtered and edited information from the government day after day, year after year, and had been living a lie for generations without even realizing it.

His transformation came when he inadvertently heard broadcasts from outside China over the airwaves. Mr. Du says the intermittent broadcasts opened a window into the true meaning of “frog at the bottom of the well,” despite the strong interference. He learned to climb over the wall a few years ago, and his eyes were opened even wider.

He felt as if he had a more compassionate nature than others around him. Whenever there is a tragic public event, he feels a sense of pain. In recent years, he has come to realize more and more deeply that the one-party dictatorship of the Chinese Communist Party is the fundamental root cause of all social conflicts in Chinese society. He said that all the hot issues in society, as long as the root of the problem is investigated, the root of the problem is this reason. He is saddened by the fact that “a party that started with the people at the bottom is now suppressing the people at the bottom”.

Mr. Du feels more and more distant from the party he joined at the beginning. He wants to announce his resignation from the party, but fears reprisals; he wants to leave the country, but his ability is limited. He said that once a person comes to his senses, he understands how painful it is to live in a lie. He also wanted to tell his family what he knew and wake them up. But a hundred efforts in return is the family’s incomprehension and even alienation.

Many colleagues in our company said, you are a member of the party, mixed with a branch secretary in the hometown, mixed with a village cadres how good. Some people are particularly envious. To be honest, I am ashamed to show others my identity as a party member. I know what awaits me if I publish it online.

I was born and raised in the countryside, and after graduating from secondary school, I became a village doctor in my hometown. The party members in our village are mainly older, the young party members are not available, there is a shortage of young people. I had a good reputation as a village doctor, so the village branch member approached me and asked me to write an application to join the party. At that time, my understanding was not very clear, I felt that joining the Party was a glorious thing, so I wrote the application and submitted it, and then joined the Party.

At that time, we did not say that it was for the sake of communism, but at least for the sake of the poor people whom we could see. They could enjoy their basic rights as human beings in a happy and dignified manner. This was what I had in mind at that time.

About 10 years ago, I was fiddling with a radio at home. When I was tuned to shortwave, I heard the Voice of America broadcast. From that time on I heard a completely different voice. In the beginning, I was also particularly wary of what anti-Chinese forces outside China, hostile forces, and imperialism. Later, every time some public events happened in China, I would look at these domestic propaganda agencies and their caliber, and then look at the Voice of America and some overseas media, and then judge for myself.

I probably have a stronger sense of justice in my heart by nature. No matter what public event happens on the mainland, I show more concern than others, and show more sympathy for those who are weak, feeling that this misfortune has happened to me. For example, the Deng Yujiao case, the Anshun shooting case in Guizhou, the Bijie case where several children froze to death in a garbage can one year, and the Luzhou case of Zhao Xin, who was killed by a student in a school, but the school said it was a suicide and finally paid a lot of money to the parents of the child. If it was a suicide, why would it pay so much money? All official moves are contradictory.

Anyone with the ability to think independently can see which side is true and which side is false when the official notices are issued. There are constant public events of this kind, and I am constantly trying to understand them. Every time the government’s viewpoint is completely opposed to the private viewpoint. Each time the government’s approach is to overdraw its own poor credibility again and again.

Han Han is a writer I like very much. He said that the officials of the Environmental Protection Bureau were able to face a layer of dead fish floating in the river water and said that the water quality was normal; after the explosion of the Binhai chemical warehouse in Tianjin, there was still a pungent smell in the air, and it took several days before our Prime Minister went to the scene, and then they said that the air quality was normal; so many college students died in a certain square, but a spokesman said that no one died… …I agree with him on these points, but when I share these with people I know around me, most of them are either insensitive, not concerned with the matter; or they don’t believe it, saying that what I say is gossip from outside the country and not enough to be believed.

I have been working in the city for more than eight years. A few years ago, the village branch set up a WeChat group, and pulled all those party members who were not in their domicile into this group. From now on, after the top leader came to power, what hand copying the party constitution, “two studies, one do” ah (“two studies” refers to the study of the party constitution and party rules, study the top leader’s series of speeches; “one do “I’m not a member of the party. I was determined not to copy it.

At that time, I sent a message inside our party members group. I said what an age it is, still treat these party members as elementary school students. If you have the energy to do more for the people, more for the bottom of our country to do something practical that can be seen with your eyes and touched with your hands, you will naturally have legitimacy and legality among the masses. You will be very glorious, you will be very “great and glorious and correct”. As a result, the branch sent people to send those books and the party constitution to my home to help me copy them.

Later on, a “Learning Power” app was promoted and tested. If you download and install it and register, they can check it. You do not have to register, they can also find out. I remember when I didn’t register, the group even named me and urged me. After I downloaded it, I saw that it was the content of the “Newswire” every day, so I couldn’t watch it at all, so I decisively deleted it.

I gave a name to those who often watch the “News” and “People’s Daily” and agree with the official viewpoint, I think they are “News” syndrome patients”, or in the words of Professor Xu Zhangrun, that is, “the quiet bitch of the years” –They are “people who do not regret entering China in this life, and will be Chinese in the next. There are indeed many such people. For example, in the case of the epidemic, the whistle blowers were admonished. You seal the mouths of people, you can’t seal the virus. The virus spread quickly and made so many people victims. And then the official engaged in some funeral celebrations ah, a variety of social APP, what Jitterbug ah, Raptor ah such video platform, where where the medical team returned from Wuhan, the police car to the medical staff opened the road, the kind of melodramatic music, look at those people clattering tears a fall, our party is still great, continue to be still years, or medical staff for us to carry the weight forward, or we have Zhong Nanshan, there are Vulcan mountain, there are thunder god mountain, or we are the most cattle. Finally or a conclusion: this life does not regret entering China. They engage in propaganda of these people, is very confusing. I saw those “years of quiet bitch”, I was particularly helpless, you know? I was particularly helpless and felt particularly sad.

Some time ago, people are boycotted Adi, Nike well, I went to Nike to buy a T-shirt, spent more than 300 yuan, for me is a bit extravagant. I usually buy a T-shirt for about 100 yuan on the line, from the market to buy a shoe on two or three hundred, and even some more frugal on a few dozen dollars. I’m in my 30s and I come from a rural background, so I don’t mind suffering a bit, but in the midst of the epidemic, governments are giving cash subsidies to people, but we have nothing. Sometimes when I talk to my colleagues about this, I get a little upset. They think, “Are you satisfied with a little money. How can you, a member of the Party, say such things? I told them, I am a member of the party is not wrong, but I am more of a person. Like Hu Yaobang, Zhao Ziyang, they are also party members. Party members should not be truthful?

Recently, I had a very difficult time with my family because of the vaccination. I don’t want to ask them to be other people’s guinea pigs. Because of this, my brother and sister-in-law and I argued fiercely and seriously confronted each other. Both of them are also party members and are well educated. I just felt especially sad. I was doing them a favor, but I was not understood, so it was really hard.

Many colleagues in our company said, “You are a party member, how good it is to mix a branch secretary or a village cadre in your hometown. Some people are particularly envious. To be honest, I am ashamed to show others my identity as a party member. I know what awaits me if I publish it online.