Everyone does that, why don’t you? What value and dignity do you want and what is the point? What is the meaning of integrity? What is the meaning of honesty? What is the significance of conscience? Since it’s pointless – why don’t you?
1
When I met Lu Pingyuan in 2017, I had been stuck in the district committee office for five or six years. If I had continued to hang around there, I probably would have been promoted to the deputy section cadre sooner. Although I abhorred the profession and tried my best to resist assimilation, I thought I had worked hard for it – and perhaps wasted my youth for nothing. I dare not boast about my good work, but it is a bit uncomfortable to see people who have been promoted who are worse off than me and have little ability or talent (I later realized that talent should not be limited, and that kissing ass, drinking, and being able to get into trouble is a talent). Besides, the benefits were obvious. To be honest, I was a bit fascinated by it.
In addition, at this time I and WangYueXin suffer a lot from the two places, but years of comfort make me completely lost the courage to quit, she had to make a painful decision: give up all the dreams of the big city, come here with me to live in the imagination of the stable life.
In view of the fact that a leader had said that he would be happy to find a job for Yuexin Wang in the county enterprise, I took her resume to the leader that morning. I was questioning my decision when I walked out of the office, and I began to feel sad when I went up the stairs, and I despised myself to the dust when I got to the door of the leader. I folded my resume into a ball and put it in my pocket, turned around and ran down the stairs – planning to make my decision at work in the afternoon.
When I went to the billiard hall with Lu Pingyuan after lunch at the restaurant, I told him my life choices and asked for his advice. At that time, Lu Pingyuan had just joined the District Party Committee, he was in the District Party Committee Office for the region’s open selection of secretarial staff in the examination, won the so-called first place, it is said that the material is extremely well written, theoretical level is very high, ready to let him be the new secretary of the District Party Committee.
However, since the previous District Secretary was “double regulation”, the new secretary has been delayed in taking office. After lunch, we often sat at the same table, and after lunch, we would occasionally take a walk around the courtyard or go to a billiards hall to play pool, so we became close. I felt that even if I hadn’t seen the material and the theoretical level, he was a perfect fit for this circle – he was a graduate of a prestigious school, with a postgraduate degree in administration, modest and studious, polite and courteous, and with a very pleasant personality and appearance. Up.
Naturally, I’m talking about usually. Because I overlooked one thing at the time, he was able to both get close to me and talk to me, which is not a good sign. Because of my idiosyncrasies, most of the people in the DC office were far away from me – that is, I had no friends there. Therefore, I needed someone to guide me, and I had to go to Lu Pingyuan. Although we had been talking about philosophy, movies, literature, and other vague topics, I trusted him because his thoughts and ideas were not the same as those of the antiques I knew.
When he heard this, he only asked me one question: “Are you happy to be given an associate degree? “
It was definitely one of the most enlightening moments in my life. Lu Pingyuan’s words of encouragement to me are the same as the words that I have been encouraging myself in the dark days, that is, one should follow one’s heart, go where you want to go, do what you want to do, and live the life you want to live. At that moment, I temporarily cut off the idea of letting Wang Yuet-Xin return to the small town – since I can only hang around in this line of work, don’t pull her into the water, as to when I can get to the shore, I also don’t know.
What followed, however, was a bit unexpected.
The reason for his boredom was very clear: “This job is worthless, and I don’t want to waste my life here. “
For example, to organize a file, all you have to do is file it away in a box for inspection, but nine times out of ten it will never be opened and will be there as a sign that the work is done – the actual work will be done in the sixth paragraph on the third page of a document in the box, which is only three sentences long, but someone had to exhaust three hundred sentences to encircle it in order to modify it.
For example, in a meeting, we can discuss the order of placement of a leader’s table sticker for half a day, after the meeting, arrange the work and go to work, but no, we have to hold some implementation meetings, mobilization meetings, promotion meetings, coordination meetings and so on.
What’s there to write about when his bosses arrange for him to write occasional speeches to “train” him? Why does it have to be “I’ll make three more points below” when there is a plan and a task list? And these comments, mostly the secretary scraped together in the middle of the night to put together the empty words, catchphrases, but also speak spittle flying, calling the following people drowsy to listen to the long half day.
Why waste so much human and material resources on things that have little practical significance? Even if others can tolerate being wasted, I cannot. “
I didn’t expect that his gentle appearance could hide a cynical heart. He mentioned these jobs, every newcomer to the District Office of the “white” more or less exposed to, I have heard people complain about the bitter and tired, but never heard complaints about the work worthless! Even I, including me, have even been complacent about doing a good job.
Besides, what is valuable work? What’s worthwhile usually has a price, so it’s not his turn. I think he’s simply whining because he’s not being used as much as he should be.
I underestimated him.
2
It wasn’t long before Lu Pingyuan actually approached the director of the district committee office and straightforwardly applied for his resignation.
This is the first time in local history. All units in the district, the District Committee Office is at the tip of the pyramid, known as the cradle of training young cadres, as long as the people are not too bad too mixed, even if you come in to catch the positive branch in the hands. In the township, many people dry to retirement, exhaustion, deputy section is still like an illusory cloud and can not catch the wind.
I don’t know how many people spend money and connections to get in, but you want to get out? The leader asked Lu Pingyuan to think it over, and he said he was determined to leave. Nevertheless, the leaders gave him a half-month “cooling-off period” in the hope that he would change his mind.
This matter soon became a hot topic in the District Party Committee Office. This is not to blame for the privacy of the smooth ears and gossip mouths, only to blame for the frankness of Lu Pingyuan, in other words – no manners, people ask him why he left, he did not find people love to hear the reason, almost no concealment, straightforward narrative reasons. So, the sneerers, the ridicule, the laughingstock waiting to see the joke.
As for me, my heart was sore because he did in a few days what I had been wanting to do for several years, but did not dare to do.
When we met during the “cooling-off period,” Lu Pingyuan’s face was sad, and he was not as proud as when he left. When he confessed his feelings, he also revealed to me that his real ambition was to be a businessman – not the kind of businessman who was purely interested in making money, but a businessman who was both educated and socially responsible, perhaps the so-called “Confucian businessman”! “(I hope I understand this correctly). He said it was his father’s influence.
Lu Pingyuan’s father, who is known locally as an “old high school student,” graduated in the 1970s and returned to his hometown as a private teacher, with a good business sense, taught school and farming, tried to make money to subsidize his family, and soon led his destitute family to become well-off.
At the age of 12, an even bigger surprise came to the family: his father, who had been a private teacher for 23 years, passed the regular exam and was about to become a public teacher, the dream of countless private teachers. Before the joy had faded from his family’s faces, Lu’s father was killed in a car accident, the cause of which remains unexplained to this day – he was covered in blood and fell by the side of the highway with his motorcycle, not knowing whether it was an accident by an outsider or his own fall. He was found speechless and passed away on the way to the hospital. Almost all of the money invested in the family was lost, and since there was no one to take care of the family’s livelihood, the family’s situation deteriorated from then on.
The death of his father, the decline of his family, the coldness of the world, and the sadness that pervaded the family prompted Lu Pingyuan to study hard. During his difficult growing up years, becoming like his father and revitalizing his family were the most important beliefs that supported him.
When he returned to his hometown after graduating with a master’s degree, he didn’t want to work for any company, but his only wish was to start his own business. But he was caught in the local concept, and couldn’t stand the endless advice of his friends and relatives, so he went with the flow and participated in the recruitment examination held by the district’s public institutions, and was assigned to the township, for which he turned off the profitable training company.
Half a year in the township, he was more than in the “village” work, doing surveys to engage in statistics, dealing with the people, in the field to see the faces of the people, feeling both fulfilling and The newness of his first visit to the township made him forget about the so-called ideal, and he had the ambition to go on in this way. So when the district committee office openly selected a secretary, he was eager to try, coupled with leadership admonition, family and friends to encourage, said that it was a shortcut to a career, he was dizzy to participate.
The result – the result was that this time succeeded in reminding him of his original ideal.
After the death of Lu Pingyuan’s father, his mother did not remarry and raised her four children on the basis of the store left by her husband. When her mother learned that Lu Pingyuan wanted to leave the district office to go into business, she wept all day and threatened to break off the relationship between mother and child, and thinking that he was possessed by evil spirits, she insisted on taking him to the temple to burn incense for the avoidance of evil spirits. The family’s relatives also criticized and advised him, and even those who were slightly related to him came to offer him advice. He was a little overwhelmed and shaken by the daily lightning and fireworks in his home.
If there is anyone in the region who can understand the pain, it seems to be me.
I had been fighting with my parents for six or seven years, explaining, reasoning, begging, shouting, slamming doors, kicking tables, I don’t know how many tactics I had to use, but I still couldn’t get their rigid, bureaucratic mindset to loosen up. The friends and relatives are certainly not snobbish, but in this place where even the ID card needs to be greeted in advance, you can immerse yourself in it and seek a position, naturally not a bad thing for them.
People see and hear the benefits of power, and what value and meaning is there in it, isn’t it a fantasy! If you’re not going to take this enviable road to preparedness against the society around you, you’d better have a strong spirit and a resilient soul, or you’re going to end up in a mental institution – so there’s nothing I can do but return all the words of encouragement he gave me a while back. I knew that the only way I could win this case was if he fought strong and to the end.
Before the “cooling-off period” was over, Lu PingYuan was pressured to turn back (I thought he was weak at first, but later realized that he just loved his family more than I did) and was ridiculed.
And then, the district culture and history museum to start compiling the book of the project, I was called when the editor, from then on buried in the district situation district zhi district故, never did the dream of deputy cadres, also completely cut off let Wang Yue-Xin back to the small town ideas.
3
In the winter of 2017, Lu Pingyuan’s daughter was born. As the father of two children, the money for milk powder is a big expense. The family of four is still crowded in a small rented room, the first priority is to plan the purchase of a shelter house for his wife and children. But he had no friends or relatives to rely on, so he had to find his own way. The reality killed his ideals, and I think that being a good secretary and having peace of mind was the way to go for him. I’d rather go near than far.
After the Spring Festival, around February or March, he called me one day at noon, sounding sullen, and said he wanted to ask me out to talk. Since he became a secretary, we rarely saw each other. Many of my colleagues, once they become secretaries, have a sense of mystery on their faces, and their manners have become very stable and proper.
It had just snowed heavily, and the streets were dark and dirty with snow salt. Lu Pingyuan got into my car full of cold air, with the familiar dark look on his face again. Obviously, he had another problem.
The new Minister of Organization, with a high level of education and a background as a secretary, first wrote materials in the municipal party committee, then was promoted to the Organization Department of the municipal party committee as a director of a certain department, and soon transferred to the district. In accordance with the usual practice, he went down to the district is gold-plated, soon to go back. The minister’s appearance is elegant, always smiling, treating people kindly and amiably, not playing a little official, completely different from the district’s gang of old-school bureaucrats. When Lu Pingyuan first became his secretary, he had a very high opinion of him. But it didn’t take long for him to learn what official authority is.
The minister, who had been writing materials, was naturally very strict with the materials, and was able to correct every word and punctuation three or four times. So it became normal for Lu Pingyuan to work overtime and stay up all night to write materials – but that was just fine, because he was working on words and sentences. In fact, serving tea and carrying bags and opening the door is also a trivial matter, even if you take care of the minister’s life, arranging the schedule, buying tickets, checking in and out of the hotel, and helping to order gifts for the minister’s family on their birthdays or holidays, etc., you can still endure it. Lu Pingyuan knew that he was “going to the palace for the second time”, and if he made any mistakes, he would not be able to survive in the organization.
However, all the patience became unbearable when the minister told him to clean up the dirty bedding that he had vomited on when he was drunk ……. He began to demand dignity again.
Where the bureaucratic mindset is strong, bureaucratic habits are not bad, and the relationship between superior and inferior is often turned into one of master and servant by some bureaucrats. The local people still call being a secretary to a leader “waiting on”, and you can see the subtlety of this.
I’m sure he won’t be able to stay long, so just bear with him for two or three years and send him away. “I advise.
“How can I endure? Now you’re talking to me like I’m some kind of a bully, and when you don’t get your way, you get mad at me and act tough! “
“Didn’t you hear about this when you first joined the DC office? “
I’ve heard of it, but I thought it was none of my business as long as I did my job. But I thought as long as I did my job, it had nothing to do with me. Now you’re the one who not only has to grovel and bow and scrape, but you have to become that person from the inside. “
I’ve said that Lu Pingyuan’s personality is pleasant because he always treats others with tolerance and friendliness, never loses his temper, and never uses harsh and rude words to hurt others. But this time, his face was white with anger, and his voice was shaking: “Now I don’t even want to go to work every day, and when I think of myself as a slave, I know deep down I don’t want to work, I don’t want to do it, but I have to force myself to smile, I’m so lame. Sometimes when I’m with my kids, I think of these things and I get all sweaty – what would my kids think if they knew I was doing this? ”
He wants to get promoted and get rich just by standing there, and you know how many people are still fighting to be his lackey. How many people with backbone and talent have entered this gate and not bowed down in the end? What if I don’t swallow my pride? Change of leadership? Don’t even think about it, I’ve only heard of leaders changing secretaries, not secretaries asking for new leaders. Is he going to do the same thing again?
“NO. Last time I was trying to use the township as a buffer, but now I’ve decided I’m quitting! ” he said indignantly, “but it’s not here if you want to quit. The last incident hasn’t been settled yet, and it has become a laughing stock. Even if I have to fight for my reputation this time, I will have to resign elsewhere. “
As he said this, we had already driven out of the city and into the flat northern countryside. As far as the eye could see, the homes in the distance, the fields near, the grass, the trees, and the straight road, all covered with thick white snow, shining with a silvery light from the clear sun. This clean and somewhat mesmerizing sight finally made him pull himself out of his frustration and stop complaining. Relieved, I turned the car around, went back to town, treated him to a steaming bowl of chow mein (it helped that his dark face glowed), and then sent him home like the plague.
I certainly didn’t take to heart his cursed vow to go elsewhere and quit his job, but took it as a momentary grievance.
4
In August 2018, Lu Pingyuan said he was going to take the provincial exams, and I echoed his support, but I thought to myself, which is not that easy – he applied for the municipal party committee’s political research office, although the conditions and threshold of that post is very high, but there are still hundreds of candidates.
Two months later, he crossed the line with a score of nearly 20 points higher than the second-place finisher in the written exam, and was accepted without incident in the interview. In other words, he went to the same organization where the organization director had worked.
What can I say? Life is so “unpretentious and boring” for these guys who can take exams.
I think he was somewhat flustered because all he heard was praise and congratulations. Even the Minister of Organization, who was a senior, imparted his experience to him, saying how the Political Research Office could train and promote young people, and what advantages it had in promotion, and so on. Thus, Lu Pingyuan’s words to me were no longer “resign there,” but rather “Let’s try it first.” After that, whether he called or I called, whether it was 12 noon or 10 p.m., to ask what he was doing, the response was uniform: “Writing material. “
This is what I could have predicted. Lu PingYuan has suffered from the Minister’s disadvantage and deliberately chose this position that focuses on theoretical research. Although the Political Research Office has many functions, it is after all a place for “pencil tricks,” and its focus is on studying various policies, spirits, slogans, and theories. The first two months I listened to him, he was in good shape, and I thought he was finally “on his way”.
For the first two months, I heard that he was in good shape, and I thought he was finally “on his way”. After half a year, his voice gradually showed some weariness and depression. Before the summer of 2019, his patience and confidence were completely exhausted, and he put his resignation on the agenda.
I know the pain of doing a job you don’t like and feeling like your life is being wasted, because I’ve felt it before. However, if I was his only supporter when he quit his job last time, this time I was in the crowd against him as well.
Now it’s different, and this time he’s resigning naked, which means he’s cut off his future. It’s a small problem for my mother to explain, but it’s also an immediate problem for me to make a living without that salary. He is 32 years old, has spent four or five years in the workplace, and his martial arts skills are almost completely useless. Dragging your two kids to the big city to make a living? There is no possibility. But staying in the district, where are there any serious jobs other than government and state-owned enterprises? A lot of graduates from 985, 211 college students back home, for more than two thousand dollars a month “public service jobs” have to fight to the death, but he is a provincial civil servant!
And he’s been thinking about “business” for a long time, but when his training company was a unique business, he had to find another way to do business. What is the doorway, completely unknown. As the relationship grew deeper, I felt that his body was more tender than his spirit – blowing the car air conditioner could give him a headache, eating something cold and sour would give him a stomach ache. Why should such a person have to go against the flow? Even if the job is as unbearable and meaningless as he says it is, what’s the big deal, just hang in there for a couple of years and then move on to another job when you’re promoted.
Lu Pingyuan’s depressed and weary mood attracted the attention of his supervisor, who talked to him, but he was very frank and honest about his feelings and thoughts, revealing his intention to resign. He promised that he would “solve the problem” in the next year, and suspected that he had been living apart from his wife and children for a long time. Unable to stand the pain of traveling, he offered to help transfer his wife to the city. The fact that he could make such an attractive offer showed that his bosses appreciated him and that he was really good at writing materials.
Perhaps because of my practical concerns, or perhaps because he was impressed by his boss’s favorable opinion of him, Lu stopped resigning so often. It was only in the next two or three meetings that I saw that the smile on his face became less and less and his mood became more and more depressed. Later on, when I saw his calls, I had a headache because the other end of the phone was complaining more and more, more and more like Mrs. Xianglin, and seemed to be falling into depression. As I am not a positive person, it was even harder for me to handle the negative input. But I can’t help but listen, because I’m the only one he can trust and confide in in this small town, hard brothers and sisters, can only save each other.
I was once with Wang Yuexin, Lu Pingyuan called again, again a long whine, hang up the phone, I sighed. The actual time, the actual time, the actual time, the actual time, the actual time, the actual time, the actual time, the actual time, the actual time, the actual time. One trip would take nearly 2 hours. It’s still like that after work. She’s been running around like this for 2 years now, but still has no intention of coming back to her small town with me.
She could have had a stable life like me. After graduating from university, she worked in the provincial capital for 2 years. In 2011, at the age of 24, she took the exam to become a village official in her home county and was assigned to a small town near her home. She lived at home, took a bus to the town hall in the morning and returned in the afternoon, each trip lasting less than half an hour, and was well taken care of by her mother. But after only two months, she resolutely chose to quit her job, because she felt the same pain as Lu Pingyuan: “I felt like I had instantly fallen from the civilized world into the barbaric world, and it was impossible to survive in that kind of jungle! “.
Wang Yueshin is a man of action, so when he heard about Lu Pingyuan, he immediately said, “If you do feel intense pain, then immediately go and solve your pain. The reason why you and Lu Pingyuan are also so conflicted and miserable is because you are always looking ahead and back, wanting both this and that, and life can’t be both. As an adult, you just need to be aware of the consequences and costs of the choices you make and take responsibility for them, there’s no need to think too much and don’t be intimidated by the unknown, because life has countless possibilities. “
I have been taught another lesson by her.
5
I went to the city to work on a Friday near the Spring Festival, and I agreed with Lu Pingyuan to take his car back to the district. He was going to leave in the afternoon to say hello at his workplace, but unfortunately, as soon as he walked in the door, he received a document, so I was unfortunate too.
I had finished my work in the morning, and was bored, sneaking through the cold streets until the end of the afternoon, having dinner with two friends, chatting and playing until 10:00 p.m. Lu Pingyuan was still apologizing – playing with his kids for a while on the weekend was the last thing he was looking forward to, and he didn’t want to ruin it all with materials.
Then I had to go to his office and wait for him. What kind of place was that? A small room with a long sofa and coffee table against the left-hand wall, a water dispenser squatting in the corner, and two maroon wood filing cabinets of the kind found in all offices, one poking out against the wall, the other acting as a curtain to cover the single bed against the window. The little space left was divided into four cubicles, and he was stuck in one of them, staring at the computer screen with an oily face in the white light. I instantly empathized with his pain – sitting in this place for years, doing this crap, even if not depressed, might be psychotic.
I lay down on the long, comfortable couch (the futon of the single bed was wrinkled), looked at my phone for a while, and squinted past it.
It was early in the morning when Lu Pingyuan woke me up. Our car drove out of the dark courtyard and into the deserted street, and he was slumped in the passenger seat, staring blankly at something in the night, not saying a word. We found a small store that was still alone and steadfast in the cold night, had a bite to eat, left the city, and drove onto the empty highway. He was fast asleep, his thin body crumpled into the seat, snoring heavily. My compassion was somewhat restored, but then I thought about how many of us around here are not just busy people who are like donkeys pushing an empty mill all day long. At least he had survived a few years and still had hope for a more glamorous job.
He woke up when I stopped in the service area to use the bathroom.
“As you can see, this is what I do every day. Could you do it in your place? “Back in the car he said.
“I’ll do it if I’m given a regular job. “
“Forget it! You can’t just stay in the DC office and get a regular job. “
“I’m really inappropriate. “I’m very self-conscious about that.
“I’m inappropriate, too! “He said, “I’m just a little surprised why you think I’m good at this kind of work. “
“You have such a high education, such a good personality, and you are popular with the leaders. I’m not bragging about you, I just think you should stay there and muddle along peacefully until old age, mixed with a director or something, there’s no need to come out. “
“What can you do with a Director? Do you think it’s worth spending decades of your life on something you don’t want? Does it make sense? “Even though he used a rhetorical question, he still kept asking questions, sounding as if he was discussing with me.
“Who knows, wait until you try to know, maybe you sit in that seat, everyone is nodding to you, smiling and welcoming you, and open the door to you and bring you a glass of water, think what you want, urgent, serve you comfortably, you immediately find it interesting. “
“That means you don’t know me yet,” he laughed. ” he laughed, “Everyone has their own quest, so let them be. Anyway, my attempts at this path are over. I’ve made it clear to my manager that I’m resigning, and he’s agreed. This period is a transition, waiting for them to pull someone to replace me. “
“What?! “I was so surprised that I almost turned the car over,” when did you mention it? “
” last week. “
“Can’t you learn anything from what happened last time? Why be so impulsive? Couldn’t you have asked him to give you a job reassignment? “
“Forget it, it’s not the same everywhere. To be honest, when I was a secretary, I made an effort to study how to read people’s minds, guess their intentions and even where to sit at dinner with them and how to make a toast. When I came to the city, I also wanted to do a good job, and I studied the newly released newspapers, documents, and policies. So, I tried, I tried hard, and if it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. It doesn’t matter if it’s a cottage or a palace, it’s what suits you, right? “
“I know you’re theoretical and well reasoned, but there’s only one question – what happens after you resign? Life is all about problems! “
“That’s what I’ve been thinking about all this time. I used to have a lot of worries about having a bad life, about people talking about you and laughing at you. Now that I think about it, you’re actually the spice in other people’s lives, and they just talk about it. Everyone has their own life, so who cares how you’re doing? At most, my mom will be sad for a while, let alone my relatives. I feel that as long as I can do right by my wife and children, I have a clear conscience. If I quit my job and don’t take the 5,000 or 6,000 yuan, they are just a temporary hardship. I will still adapt to the society and go to do some business to support my family. I don’t believe I can still starve to death. “
I didn’t even bother to take him up on his words, I could only sigh.
I’ve been thinking about my dad, who died so young …… in life, but who can say, it’s only a few decades, why not do something I want to do while I’m young. I think even if I don’t mix well and don’t create a better environment for my children, I think I can at least give them a positive image, or at least a father figure who dares to pursue his dreams. What do you think? “
His words came to this point, that he was all prepared and determined to take the hardest road. I had no reason to dissuade him, but felt sorry for him and aggrieved.
“You know, I’m glad that you’ve come to terms with this. I think whatever you do in the future, you’ll do well. But I always think sometimes that if you’re going to come to some position, it’s better than those who have no principles at all, and you can always do something good. “
“Ouch! You made my face burn. “He laughed, “You know the situation, our last District Secretary, looking at his background and resume, how hard it was to get to that position? And look at our colleagues and friends, not everyone wants that, and what’s the result? “
I don’t know if I was affected by the late-night bursts of sleepiness, or if I was infected by his words, but I was a bit agitated for no apparent reason: “Then do as they do, bend over, say something against your will, do something against your heart, what’s wrong with that? What is the use of pretending to be noble? Who cares what you’ve done when you’re a nobody like us? What’s the point of this except to make yourself ostracized, ridiculed, and miserable? …… “I didn’t say the rest of those words as the car drove into the tunnel, the tires hitting the white solid line and making a loud noise, drowning out the rest of the car. It made my voice and sobered me up.
Such a tone of voice, such a word, is exactly what my friends and relatives said when they questioned me – everyone is like that, why aren’t you? What value and dignity do you want and what is the point? What is the meaning of integrity? What is the meaning of honesty? What is the significance of conscience? Since it’s pointless – why don’t you?
No, Lu Plain was more resolute than I. No means no.
When the summer of 2020 came, he went through resignation procedures.
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