Dr. Harley A. Rotbart has a unique perspective on life. As a physician, heart surgery patient and child of Holocaust survivors, he understands that life is precious and fleeting.
He has written two books designed to help people eliminate regrets: No Regrets Parenting: Turning Long Days and Short Years Into Cherished Moments With Your Kids With Your Kids), and his latest book, No Regrets Living: 7 Keys to a Life of Wonder and Contentment.
A year after the publication of this book, a life that many of us have reviewed and evaluated – what is important and what is not – now is the perfect time to listen to Dr. Rotbart’s ideas on how to live without regrets.
Pediatrician and parenting expert Dr. Harley Rotbart. (Courtesy of Harley Rotbart)
The Epoch Times: What inspired you to write these books, starting with Parenting Without Regret and now Life Without Regret?
Rothbart: Too many people wish they had the chance to do it all over again, wish things had turned out differently. But many have grown children and many others have reached the end of their own lives. They regret not spending more time with their children and not appreciating the good things in life better.
Both of these “no regrets” books began as “legacies” for my children: the first, “No Regrets Parenting,” gave them insight into how much my wife and I value the time we spend with our children; the second, “No Regrets Life,” gave our children a roadmap to a life of gratitude. that gives them a sense of gratitude for life and an admiration for all their good fortune.
After each book was completed, well-meaning reviewers – and our children – suggested that the information should be shared among more than just one family. Thankfully, the publishers agreed.
The Epoch Times: What regrets do people tend to share throughout their lives?
Rothbart: Years ago, as a young medical student, I helped care for a patient. He told me that he had put off too much for the future – a future he would never have because he was facing a terminal diagnosis in his fifties. He had a lot of regrets.
In some ways, living a life of “no regrets” is a way of living “every day to the fullest” (Latin carpe diem): making the most of each day, appreciating the wonders and blessings around you, and doing the things you wish you could do while you are healthy. Do the things you wish you could do when you lose your health.
But my prescription for “living without regret” is not just about smelling roses. It’s also about the way we treat people, how we build relationships with each other, and the legacy we hope to leave behind. If tomorrow were the last day of your life, would you have any apologies you hadn’t made? Is there a love you haven’t expressed? We can’t change what happened in the past, although we can seek self-forgiveness for the way those things were handled and move on. But if we know how to look at things in the future, we can change them. If we get the future right, we can control it.
Harley Rotbart’s new book, A Life Without Regrets: Seven Keys to a Life of Wonder and Contentment. (Courtesy of Harley Rotbart)
The Epoch Times: How did you summarize Life Without Regrets into seven key points?
Rothbart: These seven keys began as a “hobby” for me as a “medical miracle collector. Several years ago, I published a book of essays by respected physicians from around the world describing the unforgettable medical cases they had witnessed. That book, Miracles We Have Seen, dealt extensively with issues of science and faith, medicine and miracles.
With the success of this book, I wanted to explore the apparent contradictions it revealed. From the exploration, I saw the first key, and the most important one: faith. It is very important to believe in something greater than yourself. I would never try to tell anyone what to believe, but in the “Faith” chapter of this book, I share an example of the connection between faith and a “life without regret.
It progresses from the first key to the next: discovering the miracles around us, and then to the third, the need to correct the residual ills of the world, the greatest of which is evil.
The fourth key point asks us to be grateful for all that we have been given in this life, including our families. Then we are led to the fifth key: accepting destiny and everything in our lives that is beyond our control. This helps us escape the many regrets that have occurred in the past.
The sixth key is seeking purpose and self-forgiveness – the former so that we won’t regret wasting our lives in the future, and the latter to get rid of past guilt and regrets.
The final key, growth. It asks us to pay careful attention to past “milestones” that show us how much we have matured in life. This key also describes how to live like a dying person, as Tim McGraw’s beautiful song says: “Live like you’re dying.
Epoch Times: What should parents do to avoid regrets?
Rothbart: It’s all about the time parents spend with their kids – finding enough of it and making the most of it. When the kids are still in the bedroom, parents can peek in on them every night before bedtime.
When children are young, parents’ attention shouldn’t be entirely focused on adult priorities or their relationship with their spouse or partner.
In contrast, with young children, parents must prioritize the needs of their children. If parents can manage these relationships, they will make some surprising discoveries: they will be able to make better use of their time and they will not feel as guilty. They will improve their relationship with their spouse or partner.
Most importantly, parents can take pride in knowing that they put every moment and memory of their child’s childhood to good use, and that their child’s memories of their parents will be vivid and loving. With every child, parents don’t get a chance to do it all over again, so it’s important to do it right the first time. When you see the pictures of your child on the hallway wall, you won’t regret why you didn’t make better use of that time in the first place.
Epoch Times: How can parents teach their children to live a life free of regret?
Rothbart: It can all come down to nature and nurture.
First and foremost, parents need to teach their children to accept and appreciate the gifts nature has given them. Children are born “tied” to genes that they cannot choose. One of our most poignant moments with our daughter was a tear-jerker. She was 6 years old and I were sitting on the edge of the bed discussing “bondage”.
“Of course, sweetheart, you may be able to change things if you want to. In Mommy and Daddy’s ‘genetic bundle,’ there are things we love and things we don’t like – sometimes even hate. You want you to look like your best friend. But if you could see her entire ‘genetic bundle,’ you wouldn’t necessarily want to be like her. Look at all the wonderful things you get in your ‘genetic bundle’ that you can’t change and yet are so wonderful, aren’t you glad you were born with them?”
Second, parents must provide the nurturing. What they want their children to be should be what they themselves say and do. They should spend a lot of time with their children so that they can learn from their parents’ example. After a child is born, the environment around them nurtures and determines the kind of person they will become. Parents are the most important nurturers in their children’s world and the most influential people in shaping their children’s future. Children are sponges, absorbing their parents’ education, both intentional and unintentional. By making them who you want them to be through your words and example, they will have no regrets in the future for what has happened, or what should have happened but didn’t.
Epoch Times: We are all moving forward in a difficult way. What are some positive lessons we can learn from the past year?
Rothbart: I think the most important lesson for society is to recognize that any crisis can have a disproportionate impact on specific populations – children, the elderly, people with underlying illnesses, the vulnerable, the poor and the homeless.
Take the impact on children, for example. As tens of millions of children are forced to stay at home due to school closures, parents are forced to find new and creative ways to provide in-home care, education and recreation.
For those parents lucky enough to be able to work from home, scheduling work time and play time is their biggest challenge. For many parents who had to leave home to work, the safe care of their children – in all the usual ways, and during a plague epidemic – was an even more difficult challenge. While children do not usually contract the coronavirus themselves, they may carry and transmit the virus themselves to their parents or grandparents.
Time with young children is priceless and limited, so despite the difficulties and hassles of parenting during a plague pandemic, parents should not regret the additional time they are able to share with their children. However, the lasting impact of a plague pandemic on children remains to be seen, and the resulting challenges for parents have yet to fully unfold.
When children are denied hugs and kisses from friends and loved ones, they repeatedly hear explanations filled with the dreaded words “masks,” “coronavirus,” “COVID” and “pandemic” are scary terms.
In the months and years following a pandemic, parents will have to deal with the emotional and psychological impact of these things on young children and school-age children. For school-aged children, socialization is taken away from school, camp and sports activities, and parents must also deal with the long-term negative effects of the lack of socialization on their children. Parents will also be tasked with helping teenagers – a group that already has a high incidence of anxiety – recover from the threat the pandemic poses to their lives.
Epoch Times: What are your final thoughts on “life without regret”?
Rothbart: There is a universal truth for all people of faith and none: the satisfaction of living comes from a reverence for the “miracles” of the world around us, and from the humility to acknowledge that we will never fully understand the source or substance of those miracles.
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