There used to be a man much older than me, in his early forties one day said something that I still remember very clearly until he died some years later. It was an afternoon in a large office that we shared. He was posting invoices with his back to me when he suddenly turned around and said, “Man, I’m so vulnerable right now, really. “
He was from Beijing and often referred to himself as “buddy”. He said this with a kind of smile, as if he was a little ashamed of the situation, but even so, he couldn’t help but say it. “Really, it’s weird, crying all the time. I’ve never cried a lot, I’ve never cried properly. “
We are a handful of people, both his subordinates and a dozen years younger, worship him like a huge river, suddenly he was so confessed, a moment of dismay.
“What are you crying about? Not crying about our own life. “He said,” crying TV. Crying about TV shows. Cry for goals. And crying about not scoring. Crying about winning a gold medal in diving. Crying about a particularly difficult surgery on the news. Also cried about the movie. Really cry ah, not just feel bad, is the real tears ah! If I don’t try to hold it in, I can cry a lot. “
He was a complex person, strong-willed, otherwise he could not do his mess; cold and hard temper, we were afraid of him, afraid that he would expose the shallow obscurantism. But he also often showed tenderness, generosity, sincerity, frankness, comic. For me, who thrived in a test-based education, I couldn’t quite figure out which was the real him – but of course that’s silly, it was all the real him. Except for the “fragile”.
“I thought it was 40 years old? It’s time for that? I don’t feel anything, man! Crying is very sincere. “
I do not doubt that I just do not understand. The next few people are also the same as me, at that time even thirty are not. Everyone’s face are sarcastic smile, do not know how to continue, also clearly know that he said this is not intended to let the group to help him together, and ask yourself, who can not get a decent back to the words.
The good thing is he didn’t really want to go on, “Fuck. “He turned back.
I can’t forget this, because I can’t get over the squirming feeling of not understanding. But in recent years it suddenly became clear, without any subjective effort. It was three years ago when I was watching the news at home, and it was simple: a baby with a cleft lip and palate was operated on, and it was a success. What tears could there be throughout the writing of this story? The two little fat legs of the baby on the operating table are not moving, and the diaper is bulging, so it must have peed a lot. I’m crying. Three tissues. Suddenly I wondered, “I’m crying about a news story, or the so-called “positive” news The actual “positive” news.
The actual fact is that the actual person is not a person who is not a person. “This is of course what they had talked about when they were young, words of true love and emotion. Jing Yan was greatly alarmed. I immediately pressed pause because I had to cry a little and didn’t want to miss the rest of the episode. It is clear that they aspire to earn tears, but they are just not good enough. What’s more, after six months of re-watching, I actually still cry here again, ugh ugh.
Later watch a British documentary “Liverpool”, which has an old song, singing “I kissed the girl under the wall of our factory. The images before and after are the daily life of people in the streets of Liverpool in the 1940s, women washing clothes, workers smoking during breaks, and so on. As soon as I heard “our factory” I cried, just two or three times, but the moment I cried out I felt the energy coming out of my lungs or deeper in my gut, so big that only painful sobs could release it. This energy is not for laughing and anger, it is not matched at all, only for crying.
Dude is very vulnerable right now, really.
I’m finally at the same age as my “buddy” to keep up with his words and experience. I can probably guess now that it has something to do with dopamine, hormones, serum, adrenaline and so on, and that being prone to tears is a phenomenon, and “vulnerability” is also a very general and unformed expression that stays in the emotional sense. But I choose to stay with that.
But I still choose to stay on this sensual generalized unformed it, because there is a kind of mute eat dumplings belly has a number of numbers. After forty years, life has gradually revealed to me some of its true nature, making me more and more lazy to interact, on the other hand, forty years of interaction with the world, all the past events that have touched, stung, saved and warmed me, no matter how big or small, have become more and more clear and strong, and I often hear their voices when I am alone and silent, and I can’t afford to be reminded of them, even if they come from a one-sided, fictional and distant place.
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