Cold violence is maddening because it is a form of passive aggression. In the face of ordinary violence, we can confront it directly, whereas the person who uses cold violence will use silence in order to punish or control the other person. Faced with a wall of silence, one is instead more like the unreasonably violent person …… simply going crazy!
No matter how much you ask them to open up and express themselves, no matter how angry or frustrated you are, the other person will not respond or will remain completely silent. They express their resistance in a negative, non-directive way.
Of course, not all silence is cold violence. Silence can sometimes actually be a form of immature communication, because people don’t know how to express themselves effectively, or out of fear of conflict, or because a moment of silence to calm down when emotions are running high can be beneficial.
Sometimes, however, deliberate silence is used as a tactic, and their silence may be used to express anger, to get attention, or to gain power in the relationship. They are also aware of the consequences of their actions and know that they will cause harm to the other person. This is where silence becomes cold violence as a form of emotional abuse.
Common signs of silence evolving into emotional abuse are.
l This happens frequently and over a long period of time.
l It comes from the purpose of punishing the other party, not from the need for calmness.
l The other person’s silence ends only when you apologize, plead or give in to their demands.
l You changed your behaviour to avoid being subjected to this silence again
Cold violence is used as a weapon of emotional abuse, and silence for those who use it can allow them to run away from their problems and responsibilities in the relationship, and can be a more painful punishment for the other person. So what harm might cold violence do to us or to the relationship?
What kind of damage might cold violence cause?
- Inequalities of power in relationships
When the other party is desperate to communicate, the one who remains silent is usually in a position of power compared to the one who is emotional. At least in that particular communication. This is because they hold more information than the other person. They pretty much know how the other person feels right now, what they want, and how they are expected to react, while the power to respond or not is in their own hands.
- The Torment of Uncertainty
When the silent party refuses to communicate and cooperate, the other party will often struggle to want to restore the relationship on a communication level. This makes the silent person feel right, powerful, and in control, while the person receiving the silence feels frustrated and even afraid of losing the relationship.
At this time, the silence is a deliberate attempt to create a sense of uncertainty (sense of uncertainty) for the other person. This uncertainty is an unbearable torture for anyone, and can leave the person feeling anxious, disappointed, miserable and alone, with no opportunity to resolve the problem.
- The other party in the relationship keeps compromising
People who are treated with cold violence will remember all afterwards how anxious and painful it was to be treated with silence. Because of this association with negative emotions, they do not want to experience prolonged silence from the other person, so they are easily controlled by the person using cold violence. This causes them to become submissive and begin to be cautious in the relationship while possibly losing their self-judgment. They may apologize for things they do not have to apologize for and may constantly compromise to meet the demands of the person inflicting the cold violence.
- emotional trauma
When one or both parties in a relationship refuse to talk, they are not only shutting out the other party in the relationship, but they are also sending the message that they don’t care, as well as rejection that they don’t want to try to communicate or work together. When people are rejected by those close to them, they may experience frustration, anger, insecurity, feelings of isolation and rejection, as well as guilt, loneliness, pain, and despair. When a person’s existence and feelings are ignored and disrespected, they may feel devalued as well as feelings of unloved and unimportance.
What to do when you experience cold violence in a relationship?
So what do we do if we encounter cold violence in a relationship, let’s start by looking at some common misresponses.
l Responding with anger. This is simply an emotional outburst that not only does not help resolve the situation, but also exacerbates the conflict
l Pleading with each other. This only encourages cold violence. l
l Apologize for ending the other person’s silence, even if you didn’t really do anything wrong
l blackmail to end the relationship.
And the right thing for us to do would be to first step back and ascertain if both sides need some space of their own. It’s counterproductive if we keep asking for a reaction from the silent other. Taking a step back is the only way to change this deadlocked communication pattern.
Pay attention to the other person in the conversation
If this kind of silence is not something the other person does often, then a gentle approach can be taken into the conversation, they may be experiencing some kind of sadness and are looking for an outlet. We can calm ourselves and then ask, “I notice that you don’t respond to anything I say and I want to know why,” and then emphasize that we are just trying to solve the problem. If the person is still not receptive, tell them you understand that both parties need some time alone, but we need to make it clear that we will need to set up a time to discuss the problem together after the time is over.
Focus on yourself, or ignore the silence.
We can tell the other person that this silence from TA is hurtful to us, frustrating and disappointing, and that’s not what we want in a relationship.
If the other person’s silence is not meant to be intentionally hurtful to you, then we can wait for them to calm down before we talk. And if the other person is using the silence as a passive-aggressive, then we can more than likely ignore the silence and do our own thing, such as going for a walk outdoors, reading a book / a movie to distract ourselves and show them that their silence is not something we can compromise on.
l Insist on yourself.
If the other person uses cold violence regularly, when silence always becomes a form of emotional abuse, the relationship is not healthy. Cold violence hurts relationships, and if we think the relationship deserves better, we should assert ourselves and set strict boundaries on what is acceptable, what is not acceptable, and how you want to be treated, for example. As well as explaining to the other person what will happen if the boundaries are crossed.
Whether or not it is intentional cold violence, it is an unhealthy and even destructive form of communication, and the person being treated suffers and hurts. But it is not an unchangeable behavior, and we can work to improve the communication patterns in our relationships. I hope we can all have mature, healthy relationships~!
Recent Comments