I think that some Parents discipline their children when they give them reasons, often for the wrong reasons.
For example, the last Time I took the high-speed train, a 6-year-old child always kicked my chair with his foot, which lasted almost a hundred times.
I turned to his mother and said: “Can you please, let the child not kick my chair?” His mother said, “Stop kicking, auntie is angry.
First of all, I really wasn’t angry. Secondly, even if I am angry, it doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that you tell the child that he did wrong.
You should say, “Don’t kick other people’s chairs, it’s not polite”.
The wrong reason for this mother’s lesson will lead the child to believe that “I can do anything as long as people around me are not angry.”
As I have said several times, a child’s brain is a statistical inference machine, and he can only remember direct conclusions that are inferred from your teaching.
If the direct conclusion from your words is “it’s okay if people don’t get mad”, then he can continue to do whatever he wants and no one will complain.
I also met a mother on the train today with the same problem. Three 7-9 year olds were running and playing in the carriage, screaming at the top of their lungs.
One child’s mother pointed to her fellow baby and told them, “The baby is sleeping.”
That counts as a lesson for her, but again, the lesson is not at the right point. It’s not that you can’t scream in a carriage because there’s a baby sleeping, it’s that in a small public space like a carriage plane, you can’t scream in the first place.
There is no one sleeping, you can’t even shout like that.
This “attribution error” lesson is characterized by blaming all problems on others.
Because someone else complains or someone else is likely to complain, we can teach our children to take it easy.
Instead of telling the child from the beginning that you shouldn’t have done what you did, even if no one pointed it out.
This attribution of the wrong way of Education, with the characteristics of children’s brain development period, the child can easily develop the following behavioral characteristics.
- constantly test your bottom line: because every time you teach him a lesson, you are telling him it’s because whoever is angry and whoever is sleeping, not how he should be himself, he will easily want to test your bottom line.
He just has to step on the line of don’t make you mad. The child is curious and will naturally keep testing your boundaries.
- When he gets a little older, he will develop this attribution himself. All conflicts with others will be attributed to each other first. Including the treatment of parents is also the same: because you blah blah blah, so I blah blah blah, you are actually still not satisfied.
Adolescent rebellious children, a lot of parent-child conflict comes from this.
The child feels that I have been pleasing my parents all my Life, but my parents are still not satisfied. Parents always say, you blah blah blah do not listen, what can not do what.
In fact, the root cause is that when he was very young, you did not tell him what is right, what is wrong, what is the objective basis and criteria.
You educated him such a view of life: everything to other people’s eyes as the standard of right and wrong, either to please others, or to test the bottom line.
With this kind of education, he has no chance to build his own view of right and wrong, plus the lessons of his parents always directing the blame to others. He naturally learned to put all the blame on others, including the ability to point the finger at his parents who taught him to do so [sad].
Anyway, I don’t have kids either, so I just worry about nothing.
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