preface
In the 16 years I have lived in Beijing since I came to the city in university, I have met all kinds of people, but the people that have touched me the most are all kinds of women. Perhaps because I am a woman, I feel more empathy and understanding towards other people of the same sex. Seeing or hearing their stories always makes me feel cut to the skin. They are my mirrors, and I long to write them down. Writing about them is also a process of self-exploration, so to speak. In our time, women still face many pitfalls, both explicit and implicit, as well as the pain of gender. The city fuels their ambitions and changes their relationship with themselves. They carry their desires, pay the price, hover between reality and fantasy, and suffer repeated failures and embarrassments. I believe, however, that this kind of living beauty is worth recording more than the traditional definition of a good woman. None of these stories are surreal, and they can happen to every woman around us. And yet, as I opened the folds of life, and penetrated into the hearts of fanciful, vain, ambitious, blind, and eccentric women, I could not help feeling that each of them was so wonderful, so different.
1
“In 2001, When I was 21, I had a lot of bad luck,” zhang said.
That year, Zhang wei was a senior in English at a university in Beijing. Time adverse, When Zhang Wei looks for a job, foreign enterprise, state-owned enterprise, take an examination of civil servant, a few roads all tried. At first, she was full of confidence, thinking that with her four years of scholarship, the east window is not bright, the west window is bright, there is always a way to go to the end.
But by April of the following year, she had been turned down for every final interview, “like a ghost wall, I don’t know what happened”.
Zhang was alarmed when her hopes were dashed — the university rules require graduates to move out of the dormitory in June, and if they can’t find a job or income by then, she won’t have a place to stay. The social life that is about to unfold is like an endless and fuzzy sea, with undercurrents, reefs, fierce sharks, and all kinds of imperceptible risks under the water. When the first wave hits, Zhang Wei realizes that she is not even ready for a boat.
She went on a resume – shooting spree for any job with a silver lining. Finally, she joined a newspaper affiliated with a public institution. The newspaper is going to start a new issue and has recruited several young people. Zhang Wei just relaxed a breath, did not expect three months into the job, but the society has not approved the news of the publication – then, the new team after the end of the year on the spot to dissolve, we find their own way out.
Zhang Wei face thin, big eyes, eyes there is always a defiant force, always like in a provocation. The eyes of the elders at home, not her son preference grandma particularly don’t like to always nagging, in front of her parents complain son daughter-in-law granddaughter to spoiled – indeed, ZhangWei grew up study well, have idea, choose liberal arts high school, college volunteers are to decide, but grandma said, “a girl really so high, so idea is, is not a good thing”.
When I went home for the Chinese New Year and had dinner on New Year’s Eve, my grandma seemed to gloat over Zhang Wei’s impending unemployment: “At that time, you despised your cousin’s failure to go to college. You are such a good student that now you can’t even find a job.”
Zhang Wei buried herself in her meal without saying a word. Her cousin was toasting her male elders one by one, which made her silence seem more stubborn. Over the years, Zhang maintained a tight relationship with her grandmother and relatives at home. She kept a breath in her chest and couldn’t swallow it, but now she can’t spit it out either.
That night, she received a text message from one of the newspaper’s leaders: “A friend of mine has just set up a culture company, which is hiring after the New Year. Would you like to have a try?”
2
The culture company’s plan is to do variety shows. Xu Qingbai, the general manager, has an artistic background and has spent many years in the United States. In 2003, original variety shows were booming in China. Xu qingbai had a strong intuition. He decided that in a few years’ time, variety shows would definitely become a big hit in China.
Xu Qingbai was in his 40s and, as the name suggests, tall, thin and tall. He has a lot of ideas, but he never gives much thought to how these good ideas should be put into practice. He has no mind to take care of the company’s financial affairs, and he doesn’t worry about how the company should make money to feed a dozen employees. Fortunately, the actual operation of the company is in charge of the distribution of vice President Chen Lu, Chen Lu than Xu several years younger, has been single. She and Xu Qingbai cooperate very tacit understanding, each other also highly trust.
After the previous bumpy, Zhang Especially cherish the hard-won work, than her peers have to work harder. After finishing her part of the work, she also thought that the company should start from zero and refer to the experience of others more, so she found some materials from foreign websites and simply translated the content and showed it to Chen Lu. Unexpectedly, The next day when Xu Qingbai met with a smile and glanced at her eyes: “Yes, little girl, I have seen what you do, and it is of great value.” Zhang Wei is modest once, Xu Qingbai connect words: “Chen Zong kua of person, can’t be wrong.”
One night, Xu took Zhang Wei to make a plan and didn’t finish it until after 11 o ‘clock. Xu Qingbai said, too late, the bus has stopped, you are not safe alone, I drive you home. Zhang Wei agreed without thinking. On the way, Xu Qingbai asked her where she lived, “next to Renmin University,” and they stopped talking. Zhang Wei felt the atmosphere was a little dull and tight, so she rolled up the window to open a small gap. As the warm night air swept in, as if the air around her had softened, she suddenly realized that she had been too bold to let “Manager Xu” drive her.
The next day during lunch, Chen lu said, “I have read the plan and it is very good. Did you work overtime with Mr. Xu yesterday?”
Zhang Wei nodded.
Chen Lu sighed: “No wonder I think he didn’t sleep well last night. So late. Do you want to take a taxi?”
Zhang Wei said, “It’s from Manager Xu.”
“Did he drive you home himself?” Chen Lu stared at her with wide-open eyes, half-amazed, half-envious, slowly turning into a delicate expression of mixed feelings.
ZhangWei know I said something wrong, she instantly understood that why Chen has been in the company work hard to do, why she looked Xu Qingbai have extra warm eyes, why did she speak “xu from kochi family, has a graduate degree in the United States in the 80 s” hide pride – when she paused, hurriedly explained: “it is because the bus stopped, and bad to take a taxi, xu sent.”
Chen Lu face this just show a little helpless gratified.
Xu Qingbai had a family. His second wife, whom he had met, looked very young. Their child had just started primary school.
After a while, Xu Qingbai and Chen Lu took Zhang Wei to Hangzhou on a business trip. In the evening, Xu Qingbai went through the process of meeting Party A the next day for the last time in his room. After that, it was getting late. Chen Lu smiled at Zhang Wei: “Xiao Zhang, go back to have a rest first. I still have something to discuss with General Xu.”
Zhang Wei stood up wisely. Under the lamplight, Chen Lu’s face appears particularly soft and charming, but this extra beauty makes Zhang Wei feel a pang.
Returning from Hangzhou, Zhang Wei felt a little embarrassed every time she saw Xu Qingbai. Of course, she knows, two people you love me, outsiders have nothing to say. Maybe Chen Lu knew that there was no result between herself and Xu Qingbai. She was just willing to do her best to be closer to her loved one — but why didn’t Xu Qingbai refuse? If he could not give her a future, did he ever think that it was unfair to treat Her like this? What is Chen Lu after all?
3
The company produced a project to achieve a “good start”, in a SATELLITE TV has won a high audience rating. Xu Qingbai is very happy, high-spirited with everyone to eat a big meal, during the dinner also don’t persuade wine: “I respect you, I did, everyone at will, especially let’s here more girls, don’t force, everyone how happy how to come.
The girl in the room all brush brush clap to come, There is a girl beside Zhang Wei expostulate: “such a man is true grace!”
After dinner, we went to sing, the light is dark in the KTV, glanced ZhangWei Xu Qingbai, suddenly discovered that he really is a good-looking man, the handsome face half immersed in the shadow of beauty, the outline of side face slightly light, reminded her of the marble statue of ancient Rome, as if the frozen on his face — not just good-looking, after years of precipitation, sending out a fall of mature and stable.
in the room, Zhang Wei felt a little dizzy, then go to the bathroom to breathe, did not expect to come out, Xu Qingbai was standing in the corridor, asked with a smile: “How did not listen to you sing?
“I can’t sing well.”
“I can’t believe that someone who speaks English so well can’t sing well.”
Zhang Wei thought, what logic is this? But also not good refutation, a little embarrassed low bow.
Xu Qingbai but then said: “with you in, I always feel at ease.”
Zhang Wei felt herself blush, half stunned, half dizzy, and with an indescribable sweetness. She hardly knew how she had hurried back to the box and sat in the dim light, her thoughts flying like a compass that had lost its magnetic field.
When she cools off, the secret sweetness soon fades, followed by a mixture of uncertainty and guilt: Is Xu always implying something to himself? He had a family, he had Chen Lu, and perhaps other women whom she did not know. What was he?
The more zhang thought about it, the more she felt at a loss – but after just a few months of settling down, should she start looking for work again? Her warm heart began to cool again as she remembered the embarrassment and exhaustion.
A few days later, her colleagues chatted about her plans for the future. Zhang, who already had the idea of continuing to study, said casually that she might take the postgraduate exam later.
A few days later, Xu qingbai actually called Zhang Wei to his office and asked with a smile: “How, I heard that you are going to resign to take the postgraduate entrance exam?”
The smile seemed to be waiting for Zhang Wei to show her weakness.
Zhang Wei immediately in the heart rise a burst of anger: “who dozen small report?”
“Look at you! Why are you so angry? Have you really thought of going?”
Zhang Wei did not speak, do not know why, she felt that he and Xu Qingbai also indescribably entered a tight relationship, and now flatly denied, is to bow to admit defeat.
Xu Qingbai then said: “That I give you 3 days time, you go back to think about it.”
The next morning, Zhang went to the office and went straight to Xu’s office. “I think it over. I want to take the postgraduate entrance exam,” she said.
Xu Qingbo looked stunned, as if never thought of this result: “It is already September, many people from last year began to prepare for the postgraduate entrance exam, you only have four months left, is it too late?
See Zhang Wei silent, Xu Qingbai even a little angry: “Nonsense! Do you have a plan? What direction?”
“International news.”
Zhang Wei walked away without looking back. She had planned to fight for her life. She had calculated that she would have enough money left over for rent next April, in addition to basic living expenses.
4
ZhangWei bought an unaccustomed strain A4, by the hour as the unit has a strict routine: quit all entertainment, get up at half past six in the morning, at half past seven to the National People’s Congress a study room, learning to 11 PM, go home and get a bite to eat, afternoon again go to self-study, 5 points to the English corner of National People’s Congress to read China Daily, at 9 o ‘clock go home and listen to English news reports in the China Daily, half an hour to do interpretation, see chapter political points before going to sleep, go to bed at half past eleven.
Sometimes she also can not help but strange, oneself work well obviously, business is outstanding, the leader appreciates, how all of a sudden entered the situation that has no retreat again? “Obstinate as a donkey”, grandma once so scold her, tone a bit gnash teeth, is he too strong? But there was no time to think about it. She had no choice.
The winter of 2003 came especially early, and it occurred to her that she had given away the bulky black down jacket she wore in college in a moment of joy when she found work early last spring — thinking that work was assured and income was coming in, and that she would wait until the winter to buy a new one. There are only two sweaters in my thick wardrobe, and only one sweater is left.
Once a week, Zhang Wei would call home. When her mother asked her how she was and if she had enough money, she would say in a brisk voice that she had studied well and that the money she had saved from work was enough. She seemed to be in perpetual struggle with something invisible.
On the morning of the first snow fall, Zhang Wei went out of the door trembling. To the east gate of the people’s Congress, the usual face familiar, a little shy guard brother suddenly stopped her: “Students, please show your student CARD.”
Security usually see her face familiar, probably also guess that she is not the students of this school, turn a blind eye just, near the end of the term, on the students of self-study, classroom tension, the school will require security check a few more strict.
Fortunately, Zhang Wei has prepared early, has found a card on the bridge to do a false card. But the security guard took the certificate, in the hand jilted jilted, hissed, nose out that air like a needle into the air: “where do you buy this student card?”
Zhang wei was stunned for a moment and a wave of heat rushed into her eyes, but she tried to hold back her emotion — she was so unlucky that she would be deprived of the right to study on her own. She stood shivering in the cold wind, biting her blue lip. The security guard seemed to move commiserate, wave a hand: “good, you go in.”
She went to the canteen to buy a hot corn to eat. The aunt who sold corn squeezed her hand and said in a worried voice, “Little girl, don’t you freeze yourself with cold.” “HMMM,” she said as she turned and walked out of the concession stand, tears streaming down her face.
In the night, the phone suddenly lit up, unexpectedly is Xu Qingbai’s message: “in what? How have you been?”
Zhang Wei heart through a long time of warmth, said he was reviewing, everything is good.
“I know you are a pushy girl. If you fail the postgraduate entrance examination, the company will welcome you back.”
Zhang Wei in the heart that spirit come up again: go to you, I haven’t exam, you curse me not to pass an exam, I will pass an exam to show you! So the phone to the side of a throw, even “thank you” also do not want to return.
The night seemed to sink deeper and deeper outside her window. As she lifted her eyes from the dense lines of the book, she felt as if she had walked into a dark wasteland, the lamp the only bright spot in the center of the world.
5
On Christmas night, when Zhang Wei came out of the East gate of the National People’s Congress and passed guo Lin’s home food, the restaurant was brightly lit and the hot air condensed into a light mist on the window glass. Through the mist, faintly can see people in a toast, there is a couple by the window, the man smiled and reached out to touch the opposite girl sideburns hair.
Zhang Wei thought of Xu Qingbai suddenly, then she recalled, “Xu Zong” has a very attractive female temperament, he does not often speak, smile very gentle, and even middle-aged people rarely shy, think about it, her mouth unconsciously smile.
She wanted to send A text message to Xu Qingbai, wishing him a happy holiday, and immediately realized that he should be with his family during the holiday, she was very abrupt. Standing for a few minutes, she felt cold, swallowed saliva, in the heart secretly said: “When I finished the exam, I must come here to eat a meal.
It’s not just a good meal that you want. Giant advertisements at a contemporary mall opposite Renmin University always show what a young girl can only dream of. Zhang thought she didn’t care, until one night, she dreamed of a woman wearing sexy underwear with golden curly hair. The woman’s face was so beautiful that she could not see it clearly. Instead, a voice whispered in her ear: the underwear was triumph. These three words were as clear as a soft dagger in her heart, and she woke up in the middle of the night with a faint pain in her chest. The things you want: lipstick, bag, clothes… In an instant they came in crowds, dancing up and down her eyelids.
The girl who refused the gift of fate
She sighed and erased them one by one in her mind, like a man on duty erasing the writing from a blackboard.
That winter, Zhang Wei’s memory of the sky is almost blue, walking on the road, also like diving, into the world’s extreme deep part. It was not until she walked out of the examination room on the day of the written examination that, in the heavy snow, she felt that she had opened her eyes for the first time in a long time, looked at the luminous world, and felt dizzy in a vast expanse of whiteness. She seemed to wander the earth like a light ghost, sleepwalking as deep and shallow as the city station. The crowd rushed at her so quickly that she felt as if she could slip her body through them.
Do not know how long after, pour a few subway, bus, Zhang Wei dazedly into Guo Lin home food, the waiter asked her to eat what, she did not come back, the waiter asked again, she like a big dream of the first wake up mumbling: “Good, right, What do I eat?”
Zhang Wei came second in the written exam. In the second interview, some foreign news recordings will be played off site, and the candidates will retell the news content in Chinese.
Zhang Wei walked into the examination room and began to repeat it fluently, almost without missing a single word. The teachers looked at each other in disbelief. A female teacher angrily interrupted: “Ok, you don’t want to read.”
Zhang wei was puzzled — her notebook was only abstracted with the symbols of some key words, which was the result of her more than half a year’s practice of interpreting instead of following them. So she lifted her head and looked directly at the teachers as she finished her retelling.
Zhang Wei was admitted to the graduate school with the first comprehensive score.
During a chat after she entered the university, her supervisor told her, only half-jokingly, “In the second interview, you were so fluent that Mr. Li suspected you were cheating. Then you chose me as your tutor, and Mr. Li tried to trick me into giving you the exam questions in advance.”
Zhang Wei a pat on the head – no wonder that Teacher Li looked so angry at that time. Then she rushed into Mr. Li’s office, grabbed a piece of reference information from the desk and thrust it into Mr. Li’s hand. “Please choose a paragraph, Sir,” she said.
Miss Li did not know the reason, but also wanted to see what she wanted to do. She pointed to a paragraph.
Zhang Wei scanned the paragraph and said the general idea of the paragraph from beginning to end in English. She raised her eyes and looked at Mr. Li: “Teacher, you can also test me. I didn’t cheat in the second exam.”
Miss Li raised her eyes and saw that the girl’s eyes twinkled with a light equal to her old age.
“You’re fine, I see.”
6
“To celebrate your passing, invite you to dinner.”
Zhang Wei looked at the text message on the phone screen, hesitated for a moment, solemnly replied “good”. Perhaps she had a foreboding that they would meet again sooner or later — or perhaps she was half looking forward to seeing him.
Xu Qingbai was still the same, her eyes and eyebrows did not change, and she still did not speak much. She asked her about the postgraduate entrance exam during the meal, like the questions she had prepared before reciting, and then she had nothing to say. Her intermittent silence made the meal extremely dull.
Accidentally, he remembered an important topic and cheerfully said, “The company still needs to translate something recently, so you can do part-time job when you have time to earn some living.”
Zhang Wei said, “Ok.” She thought she might have thought too much. The real purpose of the meal was to find a part-time job.
“It’s not safe to take a taxi at night. Let me drive you back to school.” Finish eating, Xu Qingbai said.
Along the way still silent, Zhang Wei felt like back to a year ago, the wind into the car, blowing a kind of feeling like nothing.
The car stopped at the school gate and the locust tree cast a wide shadow over the car. Xu Qingbai suddenly turned his head, as if to make a big decision: “Tell you about the things I used to do in America.
When Xu qingbai just graduated from graduate school, he was so obscure that he could not sell his paintings for very much. Living in New York with his wife at the time, he was very poor and went to the supermarket to buy the last day’s bread, buy one get one free.
His wife is also an artist. One fall, he and his wife drove a battered used car from New York across plains, deserts and forests to San Francisco. In each city, they went to the local gallery to sell their paintings, two artists, also like two beggars. Sometimes others politely refused, he would sometimes see from the other person’s eyes contempt: there is no patience to see work, just because he has a face east, then arises spontaneously to him a superiority, many years later, Xu Qingbai has been established, but those in the dusk quickly towards the window far away behind the scenery, will from time to time to mind, let him feel the passage of time is so figurative and vivid.
For several days he did not sell any of his paintings. One evening, feeling rather depressed, he pulled up to the side of the road and lay down. He just wanted to melt in the golden glow of the setting sun that filled the sky and never wanted to go any further. His wife got out of the car and lay down beside him, looking at him worriedly. “Your paintings are too dull. There is no artistic spirit in them — I won’t blame you for going out with other women.”
Xu qingbai was astounded. He had never expected his wife to be so honest. His wife took out two cigarettes, took one and lit another for him. They sat by the wayside until the sun had sunk completely into the horizon, and dusk spread like a dark coat over the earth, and something went out in his heart.
Xu’s first girlfriend outside of marriage, an Ethnic Chinese who has already got a green card, is also married to a husband, which is not a big deal in the art world. They both know each other’s status. His wife was right. Strange women brought him new excitement and new pain, and the strange world opened to him, allowing him to enter his own desires and expressions in new ways. He sought inspiration and possibility from them, and constantly broke through the existing style in his creation.
They returned home. As his fame grew, he met more and more women: pure schoolgirls, art dealers, admiring businesswomen… He seemed to be getting better and better, pretending to be the truth and then pretending to be the truth, and his wife was getting older and older, and she could not understand why she had foolishly opened the box in his heart, and the devil had devoured the first years of their love, the memories of their beautiful youth, and she was suffering from depression.
At the time of the divorce, Xu offered his wife the maximum financial compensation. His wife said to him: “I don’t blame you, two people meet or separation, is a natural process. For me, the worldly consequences are not important. I just think it is too hard to live in the world with so many ambitions and desires to fulfill.”
Xu’s second wife, who was much younger than him, worked as a freelancer and had only to provide for her husband and children — not even the husband, but the children and pretending not to know anything about him.
“When I decided to marry her, I thought she was simple, never made up and had a natural beauty.” Xu Qingbai disconsolate, “She never asked me outside things, but she may also be the most complex bar.”
He paused. “I often feel lonely… You know, you have a power that other women don’t have. You’re the first girl I’ve chased in years.”
Zhang Wei felt that she was trembling slightly. Perhaps she had already had a crush on Xu Qingbai very early in the past. Perhaps she had longed for this moment in her heart for a long time. But she held herself in a thrill that was almost giddy, and like a spinning top held steady on the ground with a force beyond inertia.
“I’m sorry I let you down.”
Xu Qingbai some incoherent: “No matter what you want, I can…”
“Is Chen Lujie still in the company?” Zhang Wei asked, raising her face.
Xu Qingbai suddenly stopped speaking.
“You have a wife and children. I wouldn’t do anything like that.” “Maybe you think I’m too pedantic, maybe because you’re an artist, you don’t think it’s a barrier, but for me, it’s not.”
“I’m serious. I can get a divorce. You don’t have to worry. The money will come back soon. It will be much easier when you are with me.”
Zhang wei smiled, said “thank you” and opened the car door.
7
After graduating from graduate school, Zhang Wei successfully admitted to the civil service, step by step, married and had children.
The WeChat era is upon us. One day, a familiar name to add friends: “I tried to try your previous mobile phone number, did not think you have not changed the number.
Through friends, silent for a long time, Xu Qingbai and sent a message: “so many years, sometimes will miss you.”
Ms. Zhang did not respond. The next day, she posted a photo of herself on moments after giving birth holding her baby. Her face was slightly fuller than it had been a few years earlier, dressed in casual home clothes, her eyes soft with the pink fragrance of a baby and the warm, happy smile that comes with motherhood.
Xu never contacted her again.
“Are you sure you don’t have regrets?” “I asked her at the cafe, near the end of the story.
Zhang wei thought for a moment: “Once I went to the United States on a business trip. I had half a day off from work, so I went to visit a famous local museum. There, I saw his drawing of a half-naked woman with an autumn sun in her eyes. I felt for a moment that he really understood the life force of women, and that was the only moment I regretted.” ‘She smiled a distant smile.’ In my heart, he’s a very nice man. If he wasn’t somebody else’s husband, he’d be almost perfect. ‘
What woman would not be tempted by a man like Xu Qingbai?
When Zhang Wei was a child, she wanted to eat the cake from the pastry shop in the town. The cake was golden and shining like the baby in the fairy tale on the counter. Every time she passed by, she looked over at the counter like a greedy kitten. One day, her grandmother brought one back to her from the market. She was delighted to take it and found that one was missing from the corner. Grandma casually said, my cousin just tasted, she has his mouth bite place tore off, will not touch his saliva, “you delicious it.”
Zhang Wei suddenly realized that this is the cousin do not want to eat. Out of nowhere, she felt a rush of anger and threw the cake into the pond near her house. From that day on, she was enmity with her grandmother.
“I know what’s mine and what’s not.”
Zhang wei said she later deleted xu qingbai’s WeChat. She had so many things that were out of her reach when she was young, but now she can get them easily. Only he, like a most brilliant, the most handsome kite, when she pressed the “delete”, forever fell in her youth.
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