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From coming forward in 2018 to filing a court application, I have always had one of my strongest requests:I hope I can get a public hearing.
I want a public trial because I believe that my experience and my honesty can be treated fairly.
Although, from 2014 to now, I have told the public security and the court many times, repeating this incident is torture for me; although, no matter how I avoid it, the process of being sexually harassed still gives me a sense of sexual shame – at the moment when everyone has seen me. I always worried that when people saw me, they would remember my wretchedness and weakness in the dressing room, and that being a victim of sexual assault would forever be my label.
But even so, I still wanted a public trial, and I wanted to show my pain, my experience, to everyone. Because, personal feelings must give way to justice, I am willing to have a public trial, to disclose all the evidence, to disclose how I was sexually harassed by Zhu Jun, and to disclose all those humiliating details.
Only, from 2018 until now, our request for a public trial has never been granted, and out of respect for the court and the law, I have kept my word and remained silent. Surprisingly, in recent days, people have continued to take out of context and maliciously distort the circumstances of the case back then, turning it into a slander of the facts and an insult to me.
Although it is painful, if I want to seek justice, I must be honest, because six years have passed and there are inevitable omissions in my memory, but what I recall and what I tell is the fact that happened to my body.
Even if I have to make a public “statement” to everyone.
1.
On June 9, 2014, I was doing an internship in the Art of Life section, and needed to complete the assignment set by the creative teacher: to make a documentary about the internship experience, and the teacher also stressed that we had better be able to interview important people, such as Zhu Jun.
That day, Shang, the intern who came to the station before me, said he wanted to go to the dressing room to find Zhu Jun, because I knew he had more contact with Zhu Jun, I told him I wanted to interview Zhu Jun to complete the assignment, and Shang asked me to go to the dressing room with him to help me find an opportunity to interview Zhu Jun.
At that time, Zhu Jun was sitting alone in the dressing room with an empty chair beside him, and Shang sat to communicate with him while I stood to the side and waited. But what I didn’t expect was that after only a minute or so in the dressing room, Shang had something to do and I rightfully intended to leave with him, but just as we reached the door, Shang smiled at the door and said that since I was fine, I could stay and chat with Zhu Jun for a while, and after that, he left first.
Why did I agree to stay in that dressing room? Because in front of Zhu Jun, I had no suitable reason to refuse, because I needed to interview him to complete my homework, and because Zhu Jun is the most famous host in the country, and we were in a workplace, I didn’t think it would be a dangerous thing at all.
Before that, I had never spoken to Zhu Jun one-on-one in any setting, and my communication was limited to greeting him at the taping with other people, and I had seen his wife and children during my internship, and he was an elder about the same age as my father to me.
So I stayed in the dressing room, still trying to find an opportunity to interview him. But at the very beginning, Zhu Jun took the initiative to ask me questions. After greeting me, he asked me if I was an intern brought by my teacher, and told me that he had known her for many years and had met her husband when she was not married.
In addition to talking about the teacher, school, Zhu Jun also noticed that I was hanging around my neck a Sony micro-single camera, that is, I asked my roommate to borrow and carry in order to shoot, because at that time micro-single is still rare, so Zhu Jun also let me take off the micro-single to him, and held in his hand to play for a while, but also with this camera in the mirror to me and he took a picture. Someone deliberately lied about this matter, saying “the transcript shows that the string also used his own phone and Zhu Jun took a picture in the mirror.” It is clear that Zhu Jun took the photo, and the transcript is clear that this is the case. The use of the transcript is not open to the public, moved to create this false information maliciously.
All the way here, I was more nervous, but because Zhu Jun was easygoing and relaxed, even counted as cordial, so I was still thinking that I could next make an interview request.
It wasn’t until Zhu Jun took the initiative to ask me if I wanted to stay at the station and he could give help that I started to feel strange: it’s very difficult to stay at CCTV, I’ve never heard of my brothers and sisters being able to transfer during their internships, not to mention that my performance wasn’t outstanding, so why should he help me? I told him frankly that I was planning to go to graduate school in my senior year and didn’t plan to work. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to the public.
By this point in the conversation, I was already feeling uneasy as to why Zhu Jun kept offering me resources and benefits? The first thing you need to do is to get your own way, especially if you have to pass the written exam for your major, so what’s the point of going to the principal? I have always disliked this kind of human relations, not to mention accepting Zhu Jun’s help, I have to use what to return it.
Zhu Jun went on to mention that the new CCTV building had been completed at that time, and asked me if I had been there, saying that I could be taken there, and that there were many restaurants near there that I could be taken to. He even mentioned that if I wanted to stay in Beijing after graduation, he could give me a hand. Although I was only a junior in college and had no social experience, I could always sense that his vision of our relationship was very much out of bounds, so I kept trying to muddle through – if I acted like I didn’t care about his offer, it would probably offend him, so I had to politely decline: I was still a junior in college and wanted to work in film, not TV. I’m still a junior in college and want to work in film, not TV, and don’t need help.
Zhu Jun ignored my constant denial and said that my face looked like her wife’s, and that southern girls were more attractive after knowing that I was from the south. He took my hand to read my palm and told me that according to my palm I shouldn’t be near water – I am from Wuhan and almost grew up by the Yangtze River, which surprised me and made me laugh, until today.
After Zhu Jun took my hand, I did not refute him on the spot, although I pulled my hand back when he was talking.
However, at that time, as a junior intern, I was too afraid that if I was rude, I would offend him, and if I offended Zhu Jun, the host and chief producer of Artistic Life, I would be thrown out of the internship group and lose the opportunity to complete my final assignment. In our department, as a core course, failing the introductory course could affect my degree. I always got good grades in college and didn’t fail any of my classes for four years, so I couldn’t even imagine what would happen if I couldn’t get my degree. So even when Zhu Jun took my hand to read my palm without my consent, my first reaction was that I could tolerate it, I should tolerate it, and I couldn’t offend him for the sake of my study.
And when Zhu Jun began to make further moves on me, began to put his hands on my body and molested me through my clothes, I was completely the whole person was clenched in shock, fear, into a state of stress, completely do not know how to react.
In the beginning when Zhu Jun asked me to close the door, I also subconsciously left the gap, I could not imagine in any way, he would be in the dressing room, will be in our first conversation directly touch my body.
I was only twenty-one years old at the time, and I had never been in a formal relationship, let alone being forced to touch my body by a man my father’s age, and even before that, all I knew about sexual assault was being raped by strange thugs and being pushed by pigs on the bus and subway.
At that moment, my mind was completely blank and all I could think of was that I wanted him to stop, yet all I could do was cower tightly in my chair. When his hands touched my body, I used my arms to block his hands, and when he tried to pull me out of the chair towards him, pulled my chair tightly to keep my body from leaving the chair, because then I would have more body parts that he could touch.
I never thought I would be touched by almost strange males on my breasts and thighs. A huge sense of shame enveloped me at that moment, I was scared and wanted to cry, but there was no way I could think of any countermeasure in that moment.
Why not confront? But I didn’t dare to rebuke him loudly because I was afraid of being heard, and I didn’t dare to hit him back because I was afraid he would use violence against me. I had never fought anyone before, let alone a male who was so much older and taller than me?
Why not run away? But I was too scared. I was worried what if Zhu Jun pulled me down and wouldn’t let me leave? Should I break free? Should I shout out? But I did not dare, I was even afraid that if the noise was too loud, I was seen by others Zhu Jun put his hands on my body, then what would happen? Will I be humiliated? Will everyone know about this? What would the other staff think of me? What would my fellow interns think of me? What would the students and faculty at my school think of me if it got out of hand?
It’s easy to say, “It’s not the victim’s fault to be sexually harassed,” but for me, at the age of 21, when I was touched by Zhu Jun in that dressing room, all I could feel was great shame, wanting to cry, wanting to bury my head in the dirt, wanting nothing to happen.
Many people have rumored that almost ten or a dozen people entered the dressing room during the sexual harassment, but this is a complete fabrication – at the time of the sexual harassment, only four people entered the dressing room: two producers and assistants named Li and Zhang, who had followed Zhu Jun for many years, and two viewers.
Only these four, the rest are springboard rumors, and no one else entered the dressing room during the period when Zhu Jun was committing molestation intermittently. The final show guest brought in was my chance to get rid of Zhu Jun while I was at it, and the sexual harassment all occurred before the guest entered the dressing room.
Why didn’t I escape when these two producers and assistants entered the dressing room? Because even though I have only been here for a few months as an intern, I know very well that these two middle-aged males, are the ones who have the closest relationship with Zhu Jun in the entire program.
These two producers, assistants, have to travel with Zhu Jun, attend events and dinners together, get contracts and reimbursement forms from Zhu Jun, and communicate to complete the work assigned by Zhu Jun. I have seen the state of their communication and I know that their interests are firmly bound to Zhu Jun. As the chief producer of the program, Zhu Jun can influence their work and development at the station.
To them, I was just the most insignificant intern, while Zhu Jun was their leader and community of interest. If I told them in front of them that I was being sexually harassed, if I accused Zhu Jun in front of them, how would I be treated? What I can think of is that they would probably cover up for Zhu Jun and let him continue to hurt me.
The two times they came in on their own, they stayed for a very short time, and in that short time, the sexual shame, the distrust of them, the fear that things would get out of hand and I would be publicly humiliated, the fear of losing my education. So I was reluctant to let these two middle-aged men know about Zhu Jun’s intentions for me. I even lowered my head deeply as they came in, trying to let my hair cover myself so they wouldn’t see my expression and give them the opportunity to slander me with rumors.
Just because I didn’t call out for help to Zhu Jun’s staff doesn’t mean I didn’t want to resist and stop Zhu Jun’s sexual harassment. In the circumstances, I had used every method I could think of to get him to stop: I pushed him back with my hands, I tried to communicate with him to get him to stop moving.
Shortly after, two audience members knocked on the door and asked Zhu Jun to sign an autograph, but I saw Zhu Jun standing at the door, and I was too scared and panicked to walk up and push him away from the dressing room. The process ended very quickly, and before I was ready, the door was closed again. As Zhu Jun tried to continue, I had to sit back in the chair because I needed to sit, and sitting didn’t spread my body as much, and it was hard for him to pull me. But his behavior continued to escalate, and he even kissed me forcibly:This incident torments me to this day because I hate to use such a nice word to describe his behavior, yet there was no other way.
I was close to collapse and shaking when Zhu Jun tried to put his hand up my skirt – Zhu Jun saw this, probably because he was afraid I would shout out and make a scene after all, he stopped and sat back in his chair with a sullen face. At that time I was so weak that I could not speak.
It was not that I didn’t want to leave, even though I was in a state of total stress, shaking all the time even though I wanted to cry, my throat was trembling as if I had lost my voice, and my mind was filled with shame and fear, but even in that situation, I didn’t give up and leave. Fortunately, the guest of honor came into the dressing room with a lot of staff, and Zhu Jun stood up to communicate with him. It was only when the guest came in and talked to him for a while that my brain gradually regained its clarity and I realized that this was my chance to leave and walked towards the door with my head down – I thought Zhu Jun would not stop me in front of the guest, but to this day, I still remember Zhu Jun saying “You want to leave? ” I froze, and only after a few seconds did I say in a trembling voice, “I want to go.”
I remember those words so well because I couldn’t believe that even though I was in so much pain and resistance, he still thought I should stay in that place, he had such contempt for me, thinking I was weak and cowardly, and this sense of shame still torments me today.
The reason I could only leave when the guest came is because I knew that compared to Zhang and Li, two of Zhu Jun’s subordinates, the guest was an outsider to the show, and Zhu Jun had no interests, and even equal status in the acting world, and Zhu Jun would care about his opinion and evaluation of himself. And the guest’s own staff, for Zhu Jun is also uncontrollable existence, even if they will not help me, but Zhu Jun in front of them to pay attention to the demeanor, otherwise there will always be rumors out.
So, after the guests came in, although I did not dare to tell what happened to me in front of strangers, I still seized the opportunity to escape.
2.
As I said before, when I wrote the long article in 2018, the reason was simply that one of my sisters opened up about her experience of being sexually assaulted while studying and working, and after seeing her confession, I left a message telling her that I would write about my experience as well – I wanted to let her know that her courage meant something and that I would pass it on.
That day, I just wanted to write about my experience to comfort my sister and to tell the girls I know that it’s not our fault to be hurt. By the time I wrote that transcript, four years had passed since I reported the incident, and because I had never been given written materials to report the incident, I also lacked a basis to confirm the full details of my memories. I misspelled the middle-aged singer guest who had caught a quick glimpse as Mr. Yan Weiwen, and it was only when I saw the transcript at the pre-trial conference last year that I confirmed that it was actually Mr. Yu Junjian who had entered the dressing room that day and allowed me to find the opportunity to leave.
I have always wanted to publicly apologize for the trouble this incident brought to Mr. Yan Weiwen, because I did misremember it in the article. Four years have passed and the memory is wrong. And what I said in my statement at the police station that year was Mr. Yu Junjian. I would like to apologize to Mr. Yan Weiwen for the trouble he caused; and express my gratitude to Mr. Yu Junjian for being six years late – little did you know that you had inadvertently saved a girl from being further hurt in her unawareness.
From the time I was brought into the dressing room by Shang (18:12:6 seconds) to the time I was alone in the hallway and looking downcast, wiping my mouth with a tissue (18:57:17 seconds), that was the entire time I was in the dressing room. And in between, a significant portion of the time was the communication between Zhu Jun and me at the beginning, not the entire time that the sexual harassment occurred.
During the sexual harassment, there was also no situation at all where nearly a dozen people came into the dressing room and I let the sexual harassment continue to happen – I had already told the whole story of what happened in the dressing room and why I did not run away when Li and Zhang and the audience entered the dressing room these three times, but waited until the guests entered the dressing room before looking for an opportunity to leave.
After leaving that dressing room, I called my aunt, who told me to put up with it, and I went back to school and told my roommates, who also told me to put up with it, and they told me to be silent for the sake of my studies, so I even went back to my internship the next day.
But it was when I returned to the space where the sexual harassment occurred, when I saw the staff of the show, when I saw the intern who took me to the dressing room, and when I saw that dressing room, that the fear and shame finally grew into anger. I realized that the torture of staying in this space and continuing my internship was too great, and the thought that I could be in that situation again made me feel like I would rather die.
I called one by one, but both my high school and college friends told me to hold my tongue until I finally found another college teacher who was the first person to tell me to call the police, and the person who later accompanied me to the police and protected me from retaliation for my studies.
3.
At the age of twenty-one, when I was hiding in the corridor alone on the phone again and again, I may have been thinking about pain and suffering, but there was always a little bit of weak courage that was telling me that it was not my fault and that I deserved a righteous treatment. This weak courage supported me to continue until someone finally told me I should call the police.
On June 10, 2014, when I walked into the police station for the first time in my life and took my statement for the first time, I held back the pain and shame and had to describe in detail everything that happened in that dressing room, trying my best to protect myself honestly and with dignity. But I didn’t expect that such an experience, such a record, would be misinterpreted into a story of “being groped for 40 or 50 minutes, and nearly ten people coming in and not running away”.
I did not expect that the pain and panic, twenty-one year old me, will be so many people accused of “making up pornography”, “so many people came without running is catering”, “touch forty minutes without being touched skin”, “your face and body worth being touched for so long”, “a man and a woman so long how can just touch”, “a dozen people came in you will not run” ……
What kind of victim can be called perfect amidst all those jeers? In the closed space to anticipate sexual harassment in advance and video recording? To fight fiercely when being assaulted and leave evidence? What kind of victim would be perfect if he or she had to go to the police immediately after the incident and go public and seek death?
But for 21-year-old me, I didn’t anticipate the sexual harassment in the dressing room so I didn’t record it, I was afraid of offending Zhu Jun so I didn’t dare to fight, I was worried that others would cover up his actions so I didn’t dare to ask for help, I knew that the guest of honor and Zhu Jun didn’t have a stake in it so I escaped, I was too scared to speak up on the first day, I was encouraged to finally go to the police – all these processes happened naturally for 21-year-old me, my fear and bravery are part of me.
I’m sure women who have felt the same way can relate to my fears at the time. The shameful experience of being physically violated in an enclosed space, of having erotic and playful imagery inflicted by so many people, no matter how much I hate to admit the shame, I have to say I would indeed be crushed. I hate to think of how many people twisted my humiliating experience in that dressing room into a pornographic novel-like mirthful segment – is women being sexually harassed pornography, and why would my tears be a laughing stock for others?
For six years, from ’14 to today, I have been honest about the experience of assault I encountered in that enclosed space; it was my way of protecting my dignity, and it has been as perfect as I could make it.
I reported it as soon as I could in 2014 and cooperated fully with the investigation, coming forward four years later and never knowingly lying or hiding anything. My initial fear and bravery is evidence of that, and the experience of physical humiliation and the shame that came with it is evidence of that. Even if it meant recalling the details of my character and physical assault in detail in front of everyone, making me suffer again for it, the pain was my evidence.
The above, after six years, is my public “statement” that I have finally made to the public. It is the experience that happened to me physically, and it is my pain and shame. I will be releasing more information in the next few days so that everyone can see what I have been and what I am going through in the past two years. I take responsibility for everything I have said.
From the beginning to the end, I will use my weakness and bravery, my honesty and pain, to ask my questions and find my answers.
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