When I first met Qian Yinghua at the hospital, she was walking in the hallway, her white hair disheveled and her face furrowed like many farmers who have spent their lives farming in the mountains.
She shared a ward with her father and chatted with grace and elegance. When I asked her if she had studied, she denied it, but only after she got to know him well did she admit to having attended a full secondary school in her youth.
When I asked why she denied it at first, she looked at me: “What’s the use of peasants having knowledge!” Then, she shook her head and told me that the doctor said I had Alzheimer’s disease.
1
“I was secretly sold to Shaanxi by my big (father)!” Qian Yinghua, 74, said.
That year Qian Yinghua was 21 years old, because of the long-term lack of food stomach, serious malnutrition, the whole body has begun to swell a large area, fingers gently press the calf, it will immediately dent a deep pit.
That night, her father lit a kerosene lamp, her mother was lying on the bed, and her two younger siblings were naked and close together, with their mouths half open and their eyes tightly closed, and all that was left of their bodies were skin and bones.
She said it was the first time she had gotten up from the bed in days. She scanned the room and counted seven people on the bed, including herself. There were eight of them, but my brother had died of starvation two days before, and I still don’t know where he was buried.
That night, my father told her breathlessly that the family really had no other choice but to send her to a relative’s house in Shaanxi. In the face of her father’s sudden “notice”, she did not ask a single question, not even the address.
The man who picked her up came in the middle of the night, threw half a bag of corn to her father as soon as he entered, picked her up and turned around to leave. Her mother climbed out of bed with half a bag of corn in her arms, grabbed a handful from her pocket, stuffed it into the small opening in her cotton shirt, and grabbed another handful and scattered it on her daughter’s head. Her mother lay at her feet and shouted in a hoarse voice: “Stay alive, there are many hungry ghosts walking at night, woman, don’t be afraid! These were her mother’s last words to her, and not a single word was out of place.
That night, choking on her sobs, she helped her mother back to the bed, picked up the food that had fallen into her hair, spread it in her hands, and clutched it tightly, then turned and left the house after taking a look at her younger siblings on the broken mat. After that, for more than 50 years, she never went back.
“Why didn’t you go back to see it later?”
“When I first came out, I thought about going back, but I didn’t have anything to eat, half a bag of corn, and then a mouth, it wouldn’t last a few meals, so I simply gave up.”
“Do you know the two people who took you away?”
“As soon as they entered that night, I knew they were human traffickers.”
“Then why did you go with them?”
“Hungry, follow them, there may be a way to live, lying in the house only waiting for death, and younger brothers and sisters, half a bag of corn but can save several lives.”
Sixty years have passed, but the old man still remembers the night he left home. The village was terribly quiet and dark, except for the ghostly fires that appeared in the distance, there was not a single light, and even the sound of barking dogs could not be heard. That night, she was taken away together with three other children in the village. They were pulled out of the village by a donkey cart. In the darkness of the night, several people sat back to back, although they knew each other well, but no one spoke a word on the way, and no one looked back.
“What’s the point of having a family together! Seeing one by one to break, many days without food and drink, tears can not squeeze out!” (Network picture) “What’s the use of being together as a family! Seeing one by one, broken, many days without food and drink, tears can not be squeezed out!” (Network picture)
“Really, I regret that night did not see more, people a hungry crazy, inhumane!” The old man let out a long sigh.
“Blame the father?”
“No complaints. I couldn’t help it at that time, if I hadn’t gone with the traffickers, I wouldn’t have survived!”
“At least the family can be together!” I said.
“What’s the use? I wanted to cry, but I didn’t eat or drink for many days, and I couldn’t even squeeze out the tears. She lowered her head and wiped the corners of her eyes with her handkerchief. I handed her a packet of paper, but she didn’t take it.
2
Qian Yinghua’s father was called Qian Liren, who had attended high school for several years during the war, and returned to his hometown after the war was won, working as a village teacher along the border of Gansu and Shaanxi.
Qian Yinghua’s mother surnamed Li, no name, born in a landlord family, simple literacy a few words, married to the Qian family, cultivating a few acres of thin fields, take care of the family, before and after a total of six children.
A family of eight people, although not much farming, but a generous living. At that time, the Qian family owned an ancestral house in the county, the house has three courtyards, in her memory, when she was young, there were often hired long workers at home, the house was very popular in the early days, according to the words of Qian Yinghua, “before the age of twenty, I lay in the felt every night, pillowed with silk pillows to sleep.”
After the liberation, the whole country carried out the movement of “fighting the landlords and sharing the land”, and the Qian family was hardly spared. The compound was gradually left with a few members of the family, and there were few outsiders except for the sound of my father’s cough and the birdsong in the garden.
“I am the second, my mother loves me, my big (father) does not love me.” Speaking of his childhood, Qian Yinghua grinned and smiled like a child.
“Is it because he later stole and sold you?” I joked.
“No, not at all. I love to study, my big (father) literacy and culture, but he did not teach me, not even talk to me. He did not give me paper and pens, I found my own, go to the toilet to pick up toilet paper, take the needle and thread to thread the cost, write densely in this book, to my big (father) to see, he was disgusted to take the beard to plug his nostrils.”
“I grew up in the school, the school gentleman taught well. Every day to school, we each bring a thorn. During class, the teacher wrote on the blackboard, and we drew on the floor with the thorn. Whoever disobeyed, we handed the stick to the teacher and received punishment. Later, until junior high school I did not read, my big (father) does not provide, all rely on my mother alone farming chickens to sell money.”
“My mother seldom went out, raised a few chickens, laid eggs, I felt out, coaxed my mother said to her to exchange for good food, the rest were used to exchange for pencils. My mother loved to read my writing, but she died of starvation at the age of 40, where she died, I do not know.” The news of her mother’s death came to Qian Yinghua nearly ten years after she left the village, when the famine took not only her mother’s life, but also that of her father and two younger siblings. That night she was taken away by a trafficker, but it saved her life.
Forty years after that, every New Year’s Day, Qian Yinghua had to burn paper and wine in the direction of her hometown, she said, people are gone, the ghosts are still there, the ghosts will not starve, they know the way, see the paper burned by their relatives, and will come back.
“Never thought of looking for their graves?”
“Hey, it’s good to have a grave. Eighty percent of them were dug out and eaten!” She leaned back on the hospital bed, tilting her head, eyes forlorn, squinting at the white wall to the left and right, and stopped talking for a long time.
After a while, she lifted her eyelids to look at me, her eyes dull, and after a long day looked out the window: “Starving to death is good, starving to death will be a hundred percent, no suffering. In those days, the living were worse off than the dead!”
3
Qian Yinghua’s hometown in Chongxin Huating, which is located in the southeastern Gansu Province, the southernmost tip of a small county, famous for producing high-quality coal, over the Guanshan Mountain, only half a day’s walk, you can reach the westernmost county in Shaanxi.
In the spring of 1959, famine and sand swept through the whole of Gansu together. Today, half a century later, when many people regard the famine as a sudden misfortune, Qian Yinghua insists that the sudden arrival of the famine was not a coincidence, but in fact there were already signs in the winter of the first year (1968).
“Before the waxing moon, there was not enough noodles to eat, so we had to mix some grain. The first, second and third morning drinks were all batter, so light you could see the doll. My mother originally saved a few bags of food in the mountains, but later asked relatives to borrow them.”
“Is there anyone to return?”
“What to pay back? People are starting to eat the bark secretly.”
“You want to eat the bark secretly?”
“The government specifically sent people down to prevent stripping, said stripping the bark, the tree will not live. At first there were people to control, and then the people in charge of the tree themselves also peeled and ate. First the bark, then even the leaves are stroked down to eat. Finally, the roots of grass. In June of the lunar calendar, all the trees in the village were bare, a glance over, white white white white, creepy!
On that quiet night in 1959, Qian Yinghua left the village with the traffickers and walked south along Longma Road. There were six of them, two traffickers and a donkey, and the carriage was loaded with firewood, with a bag of corn hidden under the grass, and the six people’s ration, a bag of fried noodles, was tied to the waist of the two traffickers.
They made their way around the village as best they could, and even so, refugees fleeing the famine were everywhere along the way. “All the children and adults fell to the side of the road, dead or alive. The dead were stacked on the road like stalks of wheat, and those with clothes were still breathing; those without clothes, covered only with a layer of grass, were dead.”
She told me straight out, “There are too many dead people! The living are harder than the dead, and it feels like everywhere along the way could be their own graveyard. The most uncomfortable time, I would like to close my eyes and die. At that time, the only thought is to eat a few more mouthfuls of fried noodles before you die, live to starve, die can not be a starving ghost.”
Chongxin Huating to Long County, a straight-line distance of nearly 110 kilometers, now driving the mountain road only takes less than two hours. Qian Yinghua recalls, they were six people rushed four days of mountain road, not yet walked past half. Traffickers only give the four girls a spoonful of fried noodles every day, the rest of the time only allow them to drink the mountain stream. The mountain water is cold, drink into the stomach, often painful uncomfortable, coincidentally, a period, she would like to cut open the belly to pour out.
On the way to escape, I only thought of death
“Walking in the wilderness during the day, where do you live at night?”
“In those days, people were poor and could not afford to build houses, so they dug kilns. People fleeing the wilderness, take away the bedding, leaving the broken kiln, the people fleeing behind catch up and live again. One night, six of us found a hole kiln, the place is relatively remote, nothing thought, push open the door in the dark and fall asleep. The next morning a girl shouted loudly, I got up and took a look, suddenly my scalp tingled and my spine swished cold – a family of five, all straight up against each other dead, skin and bones, even the wolves are not willing to gnaw. The girl who shouted was pillowed on the neck of the dead body one night and lost her soul in fear, and then failed to slow down and died in a few days.”
“What about the other five people?”
“One died halfway down the road, I arrived in Shaanxi really can not walk, they gave me half of the fried noodles, on the spot to take me for a bag of corn. The other two followed the traffickers to continue south, and then is dead or alive, do not know.”
Speaking of which, Qian Yinghua and I asked for a glass of water, I handed her the cool mineral water in my hand, she waved her hand: “I do not drink cold water, a drink of the stomach pain.” As she spoke, she habitually covered her stomach with her hand, frowning, looking unusually painful.
4
With a bag of corn to buy Qian Yinghua back to the Shaanxi surnamed Liang, called Liang Cunli, is the local production team leader, poor peasant composition. The family has a total of six sons, Liang Cunli is the oldest five, the family of eight people crowded in a single-sided house to live.
The eldest of the family married a daughter-in-law, who later had a difficult delivery and could not be rescued. The oldest two and three became sons-in-law, and the fourth was born crazy and a bachelor. When Qian Yinghua arrived at Liang’s house, the youngest one, Old Six, was not yet an adult. The next year, the oldest was walking at night in the mountains and rolled into a deep ravine and died.
Qian Yinghua was carried by Liang Cunli into the Liang family that year. That year, Liang Cunli was 26 years old, tall, dark and thin, and walked with a slight hunch.
When they first met, Liang Cunli said nothing, he threw Qian Yinghua directly on his back and untied a hemp rope to tie their waists together. “I am thin, he is also thin, lying on his back, bones touching bones, painful to me. He is an honest man, flat road to carry me, uphill road also do not put down, tired in the tree to lean for a while. At that time I thought, this family must have food, otherwise where to get so much strength. When my eyes closed, I thought, “This time I can finally eat a full meal.”
“Can you still remember what you ate the first time?” I asked.
“What to eat. Before I entered the door, I smelled the smell of cooking bush from afar. It’s strange that people are so hungry, but their noses are better than dogs. A small pot of fine Jane (the northwest region with corn grinded grains cooked porridge), five people around the pot head dry look, no one said, I drank a bowl, not full, and drank a bowl. Two bowls of fine Jane down, the eyes see things are brighter. I saw the Liang family boss squatting on the threshold, I looked at him, he avoided me. I wondered, “Why does this man not drink porridge?”
“Why?” I asked.
“This is the old Liang told me quietly at night, it turns out that their family has a ration for each meal, counting the number of people, one person only a bowl, the boss of the bowl told me to drink.”
“When I was at my mother’s house, my sisters and sisters slept on a big bed with woolen blankets and satin quilts. But in Leong’s case, five people were crammed into one bed, and the quilt was as black as a rag. I slept in the middle, so I didn’t dare to stretch my feet.” The old woman clapped her hands and laughed, her eyes narrowing into slits.
In this way, 21-year-old Qian Yinghua, 26-year-old Liang Cunli, two young people in a bowl of fine Jane even after the marriage. This famine years accidentally concluded in marriage has continued, according to today’s saying, after fifty-three years of hardship, they have long crossed the “golden wedding” envied by many young people.
“I am sorry to the old Liang, did not leave him a son and a daughter! Qian Yinghua sighed and reached for the roll of paper on the table. I asked her, “Is there a shortage of food at home to feed?”
She shook her head and wiped her eye sockets with the paper. “Actually, the famine slowed down by the third year of spring. At that time, the situation in the house also slowly improved, there was a period of time, I always feel stomach pain, when walking downhill, pain, but did not care. Later, my belly slowly became bigger, I thought I was pregnant with a baby, and was quite happy, but the more I went on, the bigger it became, and the pain was too much to walk without holding hands tight. After about nine months, Liang got scared and took me to the communal health clinic, where I was told that I was not pregnant with a baby. The city also ran to see a trip, bad, is a uterine tumor. The doctor said I can’t have another baby.” Qian Yinghua told me that the matter of the child was a knot that she could not untie in her life.
When the Liang family took her through the famine, did not leave a seed to the Liang family, she felt guilty, for more than 40 years, she tried all sorts of ways, the county hospital threshold are about to step on, she also boiled into the dregs of medicine, but the belly has never rattled.
“And all these years have thought about adopting a child?”
“Hold a, is the old family, to marry a daughter-in-law immediately separated, can not live together. Watering trees and roots, people and hearts, adopted sons, no heart.” Qian Yinghua emotions suddenly became very excited, a long sigh, waving his hand, said he did not want to say more.
After a while, she raised her voice again and took the initiative to talk to me: “Grandchildren are more filial than children. The grandson is a university student, in Xining, once home to visit me and his grandfather, I do not call him by name, call him ‘university student’. I’ve seen pictures of him, he’s big, his eyes are big, and he’s more fancy than a cow’s eyes. My grandson calls at night under the covers, behind my back, and kisses the phone a few times after the words, thinking I can not hear, in fact, I can hear the bright net.” Qian Yinghua laughed happily, this is the first time today she laughed out loud, hands can’t help but gently pat the surface of the legs, head back to the spine, half-open mouth, full of teeth have been lost.
5
“Old Liang is a good man, will love people!” Qian Yinghua said with a smile.
Liang Cunli was the secretary of the commune for ten years, can’t read or write a word, and the official documents he got back were read to him by Qian Yinghua, and most of the scripts used for speeches to the community members came from Qian Yinghua’s hand. She wrote it down the first day, stayed up late reading it over and over again to her husband, and then the next day Liang Cunli recited it at the general meeting. Qian Yinghua told me that when there were few literate women, she was transferred to the county women’s federation, but her mother-in-law insisted that she not leave, so she had no choice but to give in.
“Do you regret it now?”
“How can I not regret it? At that time I did not go, another woman in the commune replaced me. She only went to elementary school for a few years, and later climbed from the county women’s union to the city women’s union, ate the public rice, lived and died buried for life, became a city dweller, and never came back.”
She said here, from under the pillow took out a stack of hospital payment slips, a thick pile, with iron clamps. “If there is no pension insurance, these money, we old couple sell blood and sell house is not enough to pay.”
On the fourth day after talking to Qian Yinghua, the old man received a notice from the hospital department to move out of their bed and be discharged that day.
When I was saying goodbye, I showed the old man the group photo in my phone. She touched the phone screen and said she hadn’t taken a single picture in 50 years. I took a picture of Qian Yinghua and Liang Cunli with my cell phone, and took four more pictures at a photo studio outside the hospital and gave them to her. With the photo in her hand, Qian Yinghua came to the window sill of the corridor where she was reading a book, examined it carefully, marveled at it, and lamented that she had not combed her hair properly.
At the elevator, the old man said, this is the first photo of the two of them together.
I watched them leave slowly, and suddenly realized that it would be goodbye forever.
(Note: At the request of the interviewee, the names of the people in this article are pseudonyms except for the last name, which is preserved.
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