The guard came back and handed me some shoddy handkerchiefs from the small square window of the prison door, saying; “Here is your handkerchief, you must return it to the state as much as you bought it yourself. Now you can sleep. When you sleep you must face the prison door, that’s the rule.”
I really did not dare to touch the dusty bed. But my legs were so sore that I had to move the bed board away from the wall and wipe the board with hand towels. But the dust and dirt accumulated into such a thick layer, simply can only brush off some dust. I lay down hard and close my eyes. But the ceiling light is hanging above my head, the light is dim and miserable, but also sting my eyes very uncomfortable. I wanted to turn it off, but looking around, I couldn’t find the switch.
“Please come here for a moment.” I called to the guards with a hand knocking on the door.
“Be quiet, be quiet.” The guard came over sharply and pushed open the small window in the door.
“I can’t find the light switch.” I told her.
“The lights don’t go out here at night. In the future, if you need to see a guard, just say ‘report’ and don’t knock. Now cut the crap.”
“Can you give me a broom so I can clean this place? It’s so dirty.” I demanded of her.
“Don’t be crazy. It’s two o’clock in the morning, go to bed!” She snapped the little door shut, but didn’t go away, looking through the peephole to see if I complied.
I lay down again on the bed and turned my face to the wall, so that the light would not sting my eyes. I closed my eyes and the filthy, disgusting wall was out of my view, but I still breathed in the musty smell around me. In the distance, the intermittent noise of the road came from time to time, although at the moment, they no longer constitute a threat to me, but I could not rest assured that my daughter. I hope that when I go into custody, I can reduce some of the pressure on her and not force her to expose me. If this can really happen, she can still become a member of the revolutionary masses, then I will be relieved.
Suddenly a swarm of hungry mosquitoes came at me. I raised my arms and swatted them away, but they couldn’t be driven away, and they stung me so hard that I got little bites all over my body, which was unbearable.
Before dawn, the lights went out. In the darkness, the filth and ugliness faded away, and I imagined that I was still lying in another environment. For a moment, I felt a kind of relief from my “self”, which gave me great comfort, as if a rope had been loosened. But this was only a fleeting pleasure. Soon, the sky turned gray and then turned into a flash of light, and then daylight began to enter the cell, and the ugliness was taken into my eyes again. But in any case, during the years I was held here, the short period of time between lights out and dawn was always the moment when my lost self-esteem awakened, and the only moment of precious freedom from surveillance.
The sound of footsteps in the canal came from far away. “Get up, get up.” It was the same guards, barking at the door of each cell. Then the whole building began to move. People were rambling and whispering and moving around on my floor too.
The small window in the door was opened again, and a young woman, holding the spout of a water jug to the eye of the small window, called out, “Here’s the water.”
I told her I didn’t have a basin with water in it, and she took the kettle away. Then she pressed her small pale face against the small window and surveyed me. When our eyes met, she gave me a small smile. A few days later, I saw her with a small white cloth sewn on her blouse, which indicated that she was a prisoner working here for rehabilitation. When we met again after that, we smiled at each other to show that we were all political prisoners. This silent communication and the vague smile on her pale face brought great comfort to my career in the detention center. I didn’t see her again afterwards, probably because she had already completed her sentence and was released. This kept me depressed, as if something was missing, and I couldn’t fight for days.
The small window in the door opened again, and a rectangular aluminum lunchbox rested there, and a woman impatiently urged, “Come here!”
I took the lunch box and she took care of it: “Wait at the door when you eat later.” She handed me a pair of bamboo chopsticks, which were wet and thin, and had been used for a very long time.
The lunchbox, which was only a deflated one, contained three quarters of half-cold rice, with a few pickles on top. I wiped around the box with a hand towel and drank it for a day. The rice had a nasty burnt smell, the pickles were bitter, and the food was much worse than I had expected. But I did my best to get most of it into my belly. When the woman opened the small window again, I handed her back the lunch box and chopsticks.
Soon, another female guard came over and chided, “Why don’t you eat the rice grains in the bubble rice too’?”
“I have already eaten some. Can I see the person in charge here, please?” I asked.
“What’s the hurry! You’ve only just arrived, and those judges will naturally look for you when they are ready. For now, you only need to think about your crime. When they come to you, you must give a thorough and clear account to show that you are sincerely willing to accept rehabilitation and seek leniency. If you can expose others, you can also redeem yourself.”
“I have not committed a crime.” I emphasized my innocence.
“You guys, you always say that when you first come here. This is the most foolish attitude. Think about it, there are so many people in Shanghai, why don’t others come in, but only you do? Then you must be guilty.”
It seemed there was nothing to argue with her. From the tone of her voice, it seems that I will stay here for a while. It is impossible to stay in such a dirty cell. If I have to be here for a long time to prepare, then I have to try to clean up first. Besides, I always felt that physical work could cushion my over-stimulated nerves, and I was missing my daughter with a thousand arrows. So I asked the guards to borrow a broom to clean the cell.
“You can only borrow a broom on Sundays. But since you just arrived, I can lend it to you.”
Within minutes, she brought a broken broom that had been used for years and shoved it through the window hole. Instead of an escalator, I dragged the bed around the cell, brushing all the cobwebs off the ceiling and dusting it with it. At that moment, the small window in the door opened again and a small piece of paper was handed in, and a male guard stood outside.
“The money you brought in last night, it’s in the bank for you. Here is the receipt. You can use this money to buy some daily necessities, such as hand towels, soap, towels, etc.” He said.
“That is exactly what I need very much. Can I buy some?” I asked.
“Yes.” The male guard said.
“I need a washbasin, two enamel teapots (one for eating and one for drinking), needle and thread, soap, a towel and toothbrush, and yes, a toothpaste. And some hand towels. Can I buy some cold cream?”
“No, you can only buy the necessities.”
Soon he bought a basin with two large roses on it, six colored towels, a stack of hand towels, six laundry soaps, two enameled tea pots with lids, a toothbrush, a toothpaste and two rolls of thick thread. He also warned me that prisoners were not allowed to hide needles in their cells. But you can borrow it from the guards on Sundays.
The guard opened the cell door and handed me the basin, etc. Before the door was closed, another female guard brought me the clothes and bedding left over from the house raid. There were also four copies of Mao’s Selected Works and the Red Book of Quotations. I signed the receipt, and the two guards locked the door and left.
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