Editor: Liu Ruying’s essay in memory of her grandmother, Ms. Zhong Guangyi, is not only fluent and touching, but also reflects the elegant and decent style of women in the Republican era, and is well worth reading. Her grandfather, Liu Yong Yao, was a senior general from the first phase of the Huangpu army. Because of her family, Liu Ruying has been taken care of by her grandparents since she was a child, so she has a deep affection for them and has been nurtured by their culture and art (her grandfather was a good writer and her grandmother was good at Chinese painting), which is why there is a collection of paintings and calligraphy published to commemorate Liu Ruying.
Every year when autumn arrives, my grandmother always reminds me that “it’s time to go up to the mountains to see my grandfather”. Grandfather’s birthday was the most important day for my grandmother, even though it had been twelve years since he left us. I lived with my grandparents since my parents divorced when I was two years old, and I treated them as my parents, and they took care of me even more like a loving son or daughter.
On the way up the mountain, my grandmother and I would always talk about the year’s events, mixed with little anecdotes about my grandfather or embarrassing stories about my childhood. She usually has an amazing memory, and the details are as vivid as if she could remember them. But this year was different, as she said the same sentence eight times over and over again. It’s natural for an old person to come to this place, so she can’t blame God, she’s had a good enough life. I am not only depressed about her body, but I think that she must not want to lose her temper one day.
My grandmother was married at the age of eighteen, when she was a school beauty and my grandfather was a principal. This union, even now, seems quite advanced. At the time, some people did not think much of this troubled marriage, feeling that the man, who was the principal of the C.C.S. school and was fighting on the front lines, had too many variables. But in a flash they have been together for sixty years.
Many people think that the general’s wife tea to stretch hands and meals to open mouth. Grandma did eat and drink tea all her life, but she didn’t work much. She did not do physical work, but had to desperately to do the word “decent”.
Grandfather was in the military, and all the helpers in the family were “men” who had served or retired from military service. Perhaps for this reason, my grandmother always looked good in the house. Whenever she left her bedroom, she was always dressed in a full cheongsam and stockings. This rule did not only apply to her, but the family had to obey it. I heard that during my mother’s pregnancy, her body became swollen day by day, but she did not dare to loosen the neckline of her cheongsam, and finally simply hid in the toilet and pretended to have diarrhea, just so she could sit on the toilet and loosen the collar and read a martial arts novel.
Grandma’s care for her grandfather was also a matter of discretion. Grandfather spent a lot of time in his study writing, and grandmother only passed notes through the door. Grandfather loved to eat grapes, and grandmother always peeled them by hand, carefully picked out the seeds with a toothpick, and then put them in a crystal bowl in the refrigerator for ten minutes before serving them to grandfather. She said that this way the grapes were cool on the outside and soft on the inside. When my grandfather had occasional social engagements, my grandmother always prepared a small bowl of chicken noodle soup before leaving home to counteract the damage of the wine to his stomach. When my grandfather came home, the rice was already in place, just in case the party made people lose their appetite, my grandfather could wrap his stomach. For weddings and funerals, grandfather would present a calligraphy plaque, and grandmother would draw the spacing on the hanging scroll with a pencil. It sounds like a simple task, but one time when my grandmother was out of the country, I argued to be contracted to do the job, and my grandfather was furious when he finished writing, because my forks were not evenly drawn, and my grandfather’s characters were too big and too small.
Decency requires not only education and determination, but sometimes it is also a delicate operation. The family often had to invite guests to dinner. As soon as the guests were served, hot towels were served to clean their hands so that they would not have to go back and forth to the bathroom. When the fourth course is served, a cold towel is put on, and after the soup, a hot towel is put on to remove the oil. That’s the end of the meal, right? No! A hot tea and a cold towel to refresh people, ready to eat fruit and dessert. Just from this hot and cold towel, you can imagine the other details of hospitality. She said that friends coming to our home for dinner is a recognition and respect that we should return with our whole heart.
We have a cook in our house, but the hostess usually insists on cooking a few signature dishes herself, which is a tribute to our guests. Her skill is that everything is carried out in an orderly manner, counting the time and leaving the kitchen to freshen up before serving, without the dishes getting cold and her hair falling apart. This is something that I still can’t learn.
These are the domestic work, but also the diplomatic and national defense etiquette. At the funeral of an elder, my grandmother arrived first. When I entered, I heard one of my grandfather’s classmates telling someone about the strong temper of “Ze Zhi” (my grandfather’s word). The grandmother heard this and immediately tapped the person behind him on the shoulder, and the person was dumbfounded. The grandmother said, “Our husband does have his faults, but as a classmate, you should warn him to his face, not behind his back.”
It wasn’t exactly thrilling. The phone calls at home were usually silent after 10:30 pm. One day the phone rang after 1:00 a.m. My grandmother picked it up at the end of her bed and I picked it up in my bedroom at the same time. On the other end was a woman’s voice, mentioning my grandfather’s name and saying things that were clearly meant to destroy the family. Grandma listened and said politely, “The Liu family has its own rules, it’s too late now, please call tomorrow if you have anything to say.” I had a bad feeling and went into my grandmother’s room in the dark and got under her covers. She was fine, as usual, looking at her favorite translated novel in the yellowish light above the bed, and said to me, “Go back to sleep, don’t interfere with school tomorrow …….” The woman never called again. It is said that the woman never called again, and the family continued to live a quiet life.
But would such a grandmother be too decent like a war? Maybe a little, but more elegant, and there is humor among the elegance.
When I was a kid, when something went wrong, I always yelled, “Ahhhhh! I’m going to die ……”. The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what you are doing.
Grandma then called out “Ying Ying ah!”
I instinctively replied, “What is it?”
She smiled and said, “Yeah, you’re dead, aren’t you? Why are you still talking?”
Often after dinner she would take me for a walk and we would sing together. She sang old English songs and I sang children’s songs, and my grandfather sometimes joined in, but there was only one song, “The Huangpu Military Academy Song,” which my grandmother never tired of hearing. This interest in life is actually accompanied by a strong belief. She said she was proud to have given everything to this man all her life.
When my grandfather was dying, my grandmother touched his gray hair with her wrinkled hand and said, “Go in peace, I’ll take care of the family! . The moment grandfather closed his eyes, the children and grandchildren all cried and knelt down, but grandmother still stood up, “Don’t disturb him! Let him go quietly and peacefully. ……” The last note was gently inserted under the doorway of his man’s study.
After grandfather left, grandmother’s eightieth birthday, we decided to celebrate her well, but also hope to alleviate her painful loss of partner injury. I asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “I have been painting and calligraphy with your grandfather all my life, can we put together a book and give it to friends and family as a souvenir?” For a whole month, she went back and forth to the publishing and printing house countless times to proofread, select paper, and see the proofs herself. This is probably a kind of self-healing and sublimation.
Within a few years of my grandfather’s death, the government took back the dormitory and the old wooden mansion was replaced with a small apartment. Grandma decided to move in alone, without any helpers in the house. She said, “It’s not convenient for a single woman to live in the same house with a man. I comforted her by saying, “You’ve always had to dress up when you go out of your room, now you’ll have a chance to sit in the living room in your pajamas! Two weeks later she called me and said, “It’s great to live alone, I didn’t want to eat at dinner time, but I always thought about what I would do if I didn’t eat others. Now I can eat breakfast at nine o’clock and lunch at three o’clock. Yesterday I actually fell asleep watching TV on the sofa, but really comfortable ……”
But this year all of a sudden she’s old, decency and upbringing can’t control age. Several times on the phone with me, she repeated the topic with shorter and shorter spacing. One day I drove her to afternoon tea, a fifteen minute drive, and she said where she got the new dress she was wearing five times. At the end of afternoon tea, she complained that I hadn’t ordered ice cream for her, but the empty bowl she had just finished was sitting in front of her.
I took her for various tests and finally found out that her brain had started to shrink, also known as Alzheimer’s. The doctor said that this was normal for someone who was almost 90 years old, but because her physical behavior was so good, she was not aware that there was a problem and would act on her own, which in turn increased the risk of accidents. I was on a concert tour at the time, and I was distracted. I discussed with her several times that I must find a caregiver, and she finally agreed, saying it was for my peace of mind.
She reminded me that it was time to visit my grandfather in the mountains, even though my memory had deteriorated considerably. After offering incense as usual, she exchanged pleasantries with my grandfather and asked him to bless the younger generation, and then began to offer incense to the “cemetery owner” next door with the decent words on her lips, “My husband has you students as neighbors, so I’m sure he’s not alone. I’m sorry for your trouble.”
Occasionally, I would see her shirt with the wrong buttons, see her wearing two different shoes when she went out, and I would laugh at her “Ha ha! You’ve had your day, too!” She would say back to me, “You’ll have your day too …… Look who’s helping you then ……” I knew she was worried about my celibacy, but it was still very sharp, decent sharp. I pretended I didn’t hear her and straightened her clothes for her. I remembered that there was a cartoon that simply depicted this – “When we were little, our parents put on our shoes and clothes for us, fed us and took us to the park, all with smiles on their faces. Finally one day they are older and it’s time for us to dress and shoe them and take them to the park ……” I still remind myself to always have a smile on my face and a heart full of joy. It’s important because that’s the only way everything will be appropriate, which is what my grandmother taught me.
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