As early as the Ming and Qing dynasties in Jiangnan, a form of Marriage between marriage and redundancy was born. As the first generation of only children came of age, two-headed marriage became popular in some areas of Jiangsu, Zhejiang and Shanghai, Jiangsu Nantong called “no marriage, no marriage”, Suzhou Changshu called Nantong, Jiangsu Province, is called “no marriage, no marriage” and Changshu, Suzhou, is called “two-headed squatting”, meaning that both sides of the Family live. In the Lunar New Year, when traditional order meets modern civilization, these couples usually have to eat two New Year’s Eve dinners and take on double the task of visiting relatives, while the daily “birth” conversation in the Spring Festival is also a result of the right to bear the family name. The conversation is also distinctive because of the right to bear the family name.
New Year’s Eve dinner and the right to bear the name
Every year, Sun Yin and her husband have two completely different New Year’s Eve dinners. This year was no exception. On New Year’s Eve at her mother-in-law’s house, a table of the usual Shanghai dishes, steamed shrimp, white cut chicken, and fried fava beans, and the next day, her Parents would prepare several complex Northeastern dishes, such as meat wrapped in egg pancakes in layers of golden rolls, to celebrate the arrival of the New Year.
This year the topic of childbirth has become the focus. Sun Yin young couple planned, the third year of marriage to have children, this year just arrived. At the New Year’s Eve dinner, her mother-in-law, who had been mild-mannered before, took the initiative to open her mouth and talked about her year with the children, saying in passing, “When are you going to have them?”
“Just this year. “The young couple’s response gave the mother-in-law a satisfactory answer. Sun Yin and her husband thought of a girl’s name, the boy’s name has not thought, mother-in-law heard only said, to see if there is no renaming, no more.
The rush is the Spring Festival daily, but in this two-headed marriage family, the gender of the child is actually more sensitive. “We can only look at God’s will. “Sun Yin is banking on the one-in-four chance – a girl in the first child and a boy in the second – not to come along, because, as agreed beforehand the future two children, the first will take the male’s surname and the second the female’s.
If the small probability event occurs, to avoid disputes with the in-laws, “it may be that by then (the daughter born first) will have to change her surname and swap with her brother. “Sun Yin said she herself does not care, afraid that her daughter cares, but there is no other solution.
Since the beginning of the new century, with the first generation of only children gradually coming of age, the Yangtze River Delta, represented by rural areas in southern Jiangsu and northern Zhejiang, two-headed marriage is becoming a mainstream marriage model. Sun Yin Home in the northeast, but grew up in Shanghai, before the wedding will discuss with her husband, not to pay the bride price and dowry, to discuss the number of children and surname can be, until last year saw the news, she knew that this is called two-headed marriage, Shanghai husband’s reaction is similar. “is not this a normal modern marriage? “
Like Sun Yin’s family, two-headed marriages usually do not involve a bride price or dowry, and premarital negotiations focus on something else: children. Born two, each surname is the mainstream, most of the Time, tradition still plays a role, the first child with the man.
If the last name is not set, sometimes it can lead to a protracted “war”. Wang Jun in Xiaoshan, Hangzhou, originally had the right to the second child’s surname, she took the initiative to give up her surname, so that both children follow her husband – she was worried that different surnames, grandparents will have a preference, the two children grow up to be incompatible. For six months, she and her parents quarreled when they talked about it.
This concern is not unreasonable. Some elderly people will designate their own children to inherit their property. Some scholars in southern Jiangsu found that some elderly people went to kindergartens to pick up their children and only picked up their grandchildren with the same surname, but not their granddaughters with different surnames.
For Wang Jun, there are more realistic things. Today, the older son is in first grade and lives at his in-laws’ house, while the younger son is in kindergarten and lives at Wang Jun’s parents’ house. The two sons’ accounts are in two different towns, half an hour’s drive from each other, and there is still the question of how to attend a school in the future. The couple is also separated, Wang Jun can only urge her husband every day through the video, take the older son out to play more, eat better and go to bed early.
Because of the New Year, the family of four also briefly gathered together, in Wang Jun’s mother’s house for two days, and then to live in her in-laws for two days. On both sides, no one mentioned the two children’s future schooling. Wang Jun’s wish is to work hard to earn money and buy her own house with her husband, so that she can bring her two children around in the future.
There are so many controversies that sometimes people also use lots to decide the ownership of the surname, which is the case of Deng Li’s family in Yuhang, Hangzhou. This year is Deng Li’s seventh year of marriage, they still have only one child, a girl, almost in elementary school – seven years ago, her family signed a lot to get the right to the child’s name.
The lottery was held at the hospital, and Deng Li took two pieces of paper, wrote her and her husband’s last names, crumpled them into a ball, and finally picked out the one she had. They settled on the child’s name within ten minutes. Said ceremony, in fact, both families did not take the lottery seriously, because originally intended to have two, only to seek a fair passing. Now that their daughter is growing up and they are busy with work, they don’t plan to have a second child, at least for a while.
The elderly on both sides did not push. This year, at the New Year’s dinner table, we discussed the child, which elementary school to go to, private or public.
Deng Li thinks it is because the local two-headed marriage practice for a long time, walking through a period of exploration. Once upon a time there were always families who fought over the surname, including her own a distant sister, the child a month old, because the male work prospects, the in-laws want to tear up the agreement with the woman’s surname, the final divorce ended. Years later, the man wanted to get back together, the distant sister also refused, feeling that the most difficult years with children are spent by themselves, not to mention the divorce for this matter, proving that the other party does not love them so much. She has not reorganized her family so far.
The last ten years, Deng Li rarely hear stories of family separation due to the fight for the surname, “now the old people also understand that you are too calculating instead of harming your children. “
Double
In the important time to maintain family ties Lunar New Year, two-headed married couples usually have two New Year’s Eve dinners, go double relatives, and, of course, the children can take a double red envelope. Throughout the marriage, they enjoy the family resources and the burden of human kindness seem to be double.
After they got married, Zhou Jie and his wife spent almost all of their New Year’s Eve on the way to dinner and eating. In their hometown of Nantong, Jiangsu, there is the custom of drinking New Year’s wine, setting up six or seven tables and inviting all their friends and relatives. Because it is a two-headed wedding, Zhou Jie and his wife both sides to run, his wife’s parents’ siblings, his own parents’ siblings, from the first day of the first month can be eaten until the 15th of the first month.
This year, because of the Epidemic, the scale of the annual wine is reduced, some relatives no longer invite each other, but also have to eat many days. Everywhere you go, relatives have to ask you: How much money did you make this year? When is the baby coming?
The couple usually lives in Shanghai, and New Year’s is the time to focus on visiting relatives, so it’s not good to neglect either side. The two families are in different counties, and it takes an hour to drive. On the fourth day of this year, Zhou Jie’s eldest uncle’s family and his wife’s great aunt’s family feast at the same time, they live in his wife’s house, they went to his wife’s side.
If it is not a two-headed wedding, for Zhou Jie, there will not be so many favors need to maintain – the relatives of the mother-in-law’s family do not have to go, and their own relatives have conflicts, but also to their own family, no one will say anything.
The local Sunan to take the two-headed marriage, usually the woman’s family conditions are slightly better, like Zhou Jie this male conditions better rarely. Zhou Jie has been growing up with his mother, who was one of the first group of laid-off workers, and later did business, saving up millions of dollars. The wife’s family is relatively ordinary, operating a small cloth factory in the village.
Zhou Jie agreed to a two-headed marriage, a big reason is that he and his girlfriend fell in love in high school, when he was in college, his wife had a particularly good relationship with his mother, knowing that his wife’s grandparents wanted to adopt a child’s surname, Zhou Jie’s family also agreed.
The wife’s hometown of Nantong rural areas still have the bride price climbing style, two-headed wedding is no exception. Before Zhou Jie’s marriage, his mother-in-law side-stepped who gave 480,000 and who gave 580,000. And his own side of the family, Zhou Jie’s mother originally did not want to prepare the bride price, after listening to the simply gave 880,000. I did not expect that the bride price past, the father-in-law and mother-in-law not only returned the full amount, but also added an additional 880,000, the money finally all into the account of the young couple.
In Jiangnan, two-headed marriage is usually a combination of local people. Hangzhou Yuhang Deng Li does not hide the pride of his hometown, like her and her husband, are demolished to share the house, and now the family’s assets of ten million, but also in the local medium level. “It’s all accumulated over several generations. “Deng Li 24-year-old colleague, the first car after graduating from college, is the grandfather took out 300,000 to buy.
Deng Li said that before the emergence of two-headed marriage, only daughter of the family will recruit foreign sons-in-law, and local boys can not marry local girls. The two-headed marriage makes the difficult money arithmetic problem has an answer, “is also considered to save me, I do not have to be forced to find a poor foreign boy to do door-to-door son-in-law. “
In the two-headed marriage, if there is a value sort, the first place must be equal.
Deng Li first invited his in-laws to the house before the wedding, the other side took out Gold jewelry, her father made it clear on the spot, saying that they should not receive these gold, but brought it does not refute the heart, the next day, the father went to the other side of the house, back to the higher price of gold jewelry to the future son-in-law.
The wedding also has a delicate, in Deng Li’s hometown of Yuhang, even if you do two banquets, there are also primary and secondary, the evening is the main wedding banquet. Both sides want to do it in the evening, who did not compromise, and finally simply do the two main wedding banquet. The grade of the dishes, on the tobacco and wine, is also a secret competition, “our family will certainly not be worse than your family. “
Even if the man’s family has strong assets, but also not necessarily to the traditional sense of “daughter-in-law”. Deng Li’s best friend is this, the boyfriend’s family assets of more than 100 million, but the best friend’s parents refused to marry their only daughter, said the words are also very determined, although not as good as each other, but their own family also has several suites, there are several stores, “daughter this Life does not depend on your family, but also to feed and clothe. “
In the end, both sides introduced other objects to the child, and even arranged for the child to go abroad, still can not resist the two young people to combine. The man’s family was forced to give in, married two heads, only one requirement, the first child must be surnamed male. Then the wedding was held twice, all the processes went twice, the wedding house also got two sets.
And when it comes to New Year’s Eve, equality means two New Year’s Eve dinners. Almost all two-headed wedding couples will take this approach. Time also to pursue fairness, this year’s New Year’s Eve in the man’s house, then next year will be replaced by the woman’s house.
Last year, Deng Li New Year’s Eve in the in-laws’ home, New Year’s Eve in her home. This year, the switch over, twenty-nine in her home, New Year’s Eve in the in-laws.
The two families eat together for New Year’s Eve dinner, cooking is done by the elders, the men are in charge of the spoon, the women help. This year, both sides even the dishes are exactly the same, wrapped spring rolls, fried rice cakes with pike crab, eight treasure rice. There is also the local small popular braised lamb, both families booked from the same restaurant. After the meal, grandparents on both sides prepared red envelopes for their children in the same amount, 20,000 yuan.
The meaning of women’s liberation
Compared with the traditional male-centered construction of family relations, two-headed marriage looks more equal for both sides. But not all girls like the two-headed marriage model.
Li Mei, 24, does not like it. Too busy, both sides of the relatives to run. Not her, she is not married, but her own sister, married for four years, both as a daughter-in-law to participate in the affairs of her husband’s family, but also to assume the role of the owner of their own home.
In Li Mei’s hometown of Jiaxing, Zhejiang Province, the same year wine customs, except that in the years before, the sister has to run on both sides, she came home, it is more in sleep, lazy to go to relatives, “too much trouble “.
As the eldest daughter, the sister was also given the responsibility of continuing the incense by the Li family. Like most women in her hometown who are married at both ends, she “needs” to have two children to carry on both sides of the family name. But after giving birth to the first, sister does not want to have a second, but also for this matter and father had many arguments, only in the past two years the father gradually thought out, know that now raising a child to pay the time, money and energy and the past can not be compared, only to stop mentioning the birth of a second child.
Li Mei said, at that time, the sister also wanted to marry out according to the traditional marriage model, but the family did not agree. Knowing that both sisters want to “marry”, grandmother anxiously sleepless, saying that if the child does not follow “Li” surname, the incense can be broken, “the door is closed. “Superstition says, after a hundred years to have children and grandchildren shouting grandparents,” the road is good to go. “
For this matter, the sister and brother-in-law broke up, but a year or two later, the other side promised to two-headed marriage, only together again.
Watching the sister’s busy, Li Mei then felt that the two-headed marriage for women also did not liberate meaning. In fact, the family is strong to the sister, but also because Li Mei is more disobedient one. Li Mei felt that having children was not necessary, and her mother always said, “How can you be a complete woman without having children? “
But Li Mei insisted, and the family could not control, so they had to put all their expectations on their sister. Li Mei craves for a love-based union, living an independent life, and she feels that her sister is still trapped in the shackles of family and morality.
In the realistic sample of two-headed marriages, there are also women who feel given unexpected rights. Zhao Ying, a girl from the Northwest, whose husband is from Nantong, Jiangsu, and the two couples settled alone in Wuhan, Zhao Ying later learned from her sister-in-law that her marriage was one of “no marriage, no marriage Zhao Ying later learned from her sister-in-law that her marriage was a “no marriage, no marriage”.
Zhao Ying now has only one child, a boy, following the male surname, born before the mother-in-law even thought of the name. After the birth of her son, her mother-in-law took the initiative to bring the second child with her surname. Zhao Ying felt that if she proposed to take her own surname, she would not be opposed, because she had already given birth to a boy.
Those families who have girls are not so lucky, Zhao Ying’s husband’s cousin gave birth to a daughter, the mother-in-law did not even hold the child. And her husband’s cousin gave birth to a daughter in the first child, followed by a son, according to the previous consultation of the first child with the male side, the second child with the female side, but the male side prefers the boy to inherit his surname, reluctant, and is still quite deadlocked.
In contrast, Zhao Ying’s reality is much less stressful. But this year, following her husband to Nantong through the year, her mother-in-law has been saying that Education in Nantong is good, “who who’s youngest child exams to where where”, the father-in-law also said, or the child back to The father-in-law also said that otherwise the children would go back to school in Nantong.
The son’s account now follows Zhao Ying landed in his hometown of Xi’an, mother-in-law has been unhappy, the young couple said in the city inside the convenience of school, mother-in-law only reluctantly accepted. This year, the mother-in-law talked about settling down for school, Zhao Ying and blocked back, “the children go to school to tutor homework, grandma can not tutor. “The elderly also stopped talking.
This year’s New Year’s Eve dinner, the second child must be mentioned in previous years was not mentioned again. Zhao Ying and her husband are working in Wuhan, the in-laws seem to be clear in their minds, the past half year the two did not earn much money, temporarily no conditions to have a second child. But on the third day of the first month at the dinner table, the father-in-law still did not resist bringing up this issue, “if two children would be good, after the New Year on one side, you gave birth to us to raise. “
Zhao Ying responded with a smile, can first put the son here for a week to try, “these days you have been busy to death. “The father-in-law also laughed, continued to greet her eating Food, no longer say anything.
(All characters in the article are pseudonyms)
Recent Comments