Sitting quietly is one of the hardest and most difficult things to do. He is powerless to resist, you do not resist, and together you suffer the despair of Life.
In the hospital room.
The patient clutches your hand: “I’m dying, and they won’t even tell me, but I know I can’t be cured of this disease.
You can’t help but say, “Don’t think too much, it’s not that.
But you can’t say that, or he will have to swallow the rest of his words with a sigh.
The patient opens his cloudy eyes and looks at you: “You know this disease can’t be cured, don’t you?
You can’t help but say, “No! We are still waiting for you to go out and play with us.
But you can’t say that, or he’ll just sigh and swallow the rest of his words.
You are searching your heart, trying to prove for him that there is still hope: Is there such an example? Even in this case can still be saved? Even if one percent of the possibility of …… do not be pessimistic, cheer up ah.
But all the words of comfort are not as helpful as sitting quietly and letting him speak.
–But sitting quietly and letting him speak, listening to his despair at being so profoundly powerless in life, is one of the hardest and most difficult things to do. He is powerless to resist, you don’t resist, and you suffer the despair of life together.
To change to a less desperate example.
A girlfriend is depressed and her boyfriend goes to comfort her. The boyfriend says, “Actually, you can totally do this ……
Some say this reflects the self-righteousness of men, but not necessarily. Many books that teach communication between men and women say that men care about solving problems and women care about emotions. The implication of “you can do this” is that “you don’t have to be depressed, I can’t see you being depressed”. Solving problems is exactly a trick to avoid emotions.
We speak, usually to solve the problem; we listen, we can only face the emotions.
There is a saying, called gritted teeth into the stomach. Some words feel similar when swallowed in the stomach.
I often say in my classes that there are times when I speak for no more than five minutes of a 50-minute session, even just the opening pleasantries and the closing summary, and not a word in between. More than one person has asked me, “You charge me for not saying a word? I would joke, “Yeah, it’s the easiest business to make money in.
It’s not easy, actually. If you don’t say a word, if you give it to someone who is not trained, it is going to become a cold war.
The wife said, “So-and-so got a new Q5.
The husband couldn’t resist saying, “What the heck, when we get rich, we’ll get a Q7!
–But he held back. That’s good, he’s trying to learn to listen.
Mrs. said, “When are you going to get a new car?
The gentleman doesn’t say anything, his face sinks.
Mrs.: “Forget it, with your current job …… there is no hope in this life.
What do you mean there is no hope in this life? What do you mean there is no hope in this life? You are actually seeing how far ah to my life to death? You know how hard I’m trying to know what I’m going to do in the future? You don’t know, don’t follow the blind beep, okay? All day long, you know to look down on me and bury me as if your life is not as good as all of me a person caused also don’t look at what you do other people’s wives still earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, how do you not say ……
Mr. iron face, silent, the heart of a million horses running.
Some people will find it easy to breed animosity when silent. For these people, listening to each other, especially when the other party’s negative emotions, will inevitably be substituted into their own position: if ta disappointed, is dissatisfied with me; if ta worried, is implying that I go to solve; if ta depressed, is accusing me of incompetence; even if ta yawned, it is because I am not interesting enough … …this Time can never be silent again, must try to remedy, so that ta no longer disappointed worried depressed or yawned. The way to remedy this is, of course, to speak up, or fight back, or argue, or reason, or show off, all in the sense of saying “I’m not what you think I am,” as if this is not enough to run the relationship.
According to our professional training, a completely opposite mindset must be developed.
Don’t take the other person’s disappointment as dissatisfaction with me. Instead, interpret the other person’s dissatisfaction with me as ta expressing disappointment.
In the counseling room, we are doubted, blamed, ridiculed, and of course sometimes adored, relied upon, and loved. But these are all emotions expressed by the other person, and it is my job to deal with them, to understand, and to accommodate them as much as possible. As for how these emotions relate to me, do I really suck that much or am I that good? Doesn’t matter.
A visitor says hysterically, “Why can’t you just tell me the solution?
I can defend myself: “Because there isn’t a solution.
I can be polite: “I’m sorry to disappoint you.
You can also counter: “Why do you always insist on wanting a solution?
You can also explain in a serious way: “You don’t understand counseling correctly, it actually works ……
— but I just said, “Hmm. I’m listening to her, she’s disappointed.
She was pounding the couch in anger, not even looking at me. As she pounded, tears streamed down her face.
I recently wrote this article after talking to someone about “listening” and feeling it.
Thanks to some social training, listening has recently been packaged as a superior social skill. They ask me, “Are you counselors good at building relationships with people quickly? Because you know how to listen.
Others want me to teach them a few listening skills so that they can appear more understanding on a blind date.
What they don’t know is that if you have too many “ego” thoughts in your mind, you can’t do pure listening.
Because listening means sharing emotions. You need to give up your own position and enter the other person’s world completely. When most people talk about the importance of listening, they only want to show that they are patient in order to gain more benefits for themselves. But this always works some times, we can’t help but interrupt the other person because we can’t forget ourselves.
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